This week in the Deep Hurting Project is Jaws: The Revenge, wherein, well, "The plot is that the shark (yanno, the one that Chief Brody killed in Jaws) now has a hatred of the Brody family and wants to kill them all as revenge for Brody's actions in Jaws. Yanno, the shark that's dead. That shark. That shark that's dead, wants revenge."
For a little backstory, despite the plot for the first Jaws being self-contained, due to its briefly being the highest-grossing film of all time, it ended up with a total of three sequels. I have seen none of the sequels, for the record. Apparently, the material wound up being stretched so thin that they had to leave Amity Bay for Seaworld in the third one. And due to the third one being so critically reviled, the fourth film apparently retconned it out of existence. Little did they know that the fourth one would be even worse. Also, there was apparently a novelization that ironed out several of the plot holes, like the huge brain-breaking plot hole that I alluded to in the first paragraph: apparently, a Haitian witch doctor had a grudge against the Brody family and decided to weaponise sharks against them.
For a little backstory, despite the plot for the first Jaws being self-contained, due to its briefly being the highest-grossing film of all time, it ended up with a total of three sequels. I have seen none of the sequels, for the record. Apparently, the material wound up being stretched so thin that they had to leave Amity Bay for Seaworld in the third one. And due to the third one being so critically reviled, the fourth film apparently retconned it out of existence. Little did they know that the fourth one would be even worse. Also, there was apparently a novelization that ironed out several of the plot holes, like the huge brain-breaking plot hole that I alluded to in the first paragraph: apparently, a Haitian witch doctor had a grudge against the Brody family and decided to weaponise sharks against them.
- "I'm five years old, Grandma!" That's some obvious exposition right there.
- Wow. The shark completely ate the guy's arm without even tearing the long sleeve of his jacket.
- Also, I can't help but notice that they've resorted to fragmented editing just so we can barely even see the shark. Lemme just check and, yep, it looks like shit.
And rest assured, we well get back to that scene. - So, Brody from the first film died from a heart attack out of fear of the great white shark, even after he killed two of them?
- Great white sharks don't like warm water? I'm just going to leave this here:
Yes, that's the known range for the great white shark. Also, they've never lived around Amity Bay? Did you even watch either of the first two sequels? - Also, why would you need to leave town to get safe from the shark? Is there nothing sufficiently inland?
- Yep, it's been 30 minutes and we finally get a good look at the shark. And it is shit.
- So, she's terrified that her son will get hurt in the water, and therefore she decides to make sandcastles with her granddaughter while standing well within the tide?
- Hey, you think you can have Judith Barsi do anything in this movie and not remind me of the fact that, a bit over a year after this film was released, she was brutally murdered by her father?
- I'm not sure how much danger a great white actually poses to a submersible IRL. For what it's worth, it's been known to happen that a shark attacks a submersible, but I haven't found any info about it doing any real damage.
- Also, for what it's worth, despite the Bahamas being a haven for various species of shark, maybe having a great white around (which actually isn't native to the Bahamas, so it would presumably have had to go out of its way to travel well over a thousand miles) isn't something to be so overjoyed about.
- By the way, I've heard it repeatedly said that the shark somehow manages to not only follow the Brody family to the Bahamas, but even beats them there. It actually doesn't. It just takes a day or two to get there. Still almost certainly going faster than what a great white can be reasonably expected to move.
- Taking two minutes to do the Minute Waltz is bad? Looking it up on Youtube, that's actually the baseline time for that particular piece.
- 9 knots isn't enough to keep up with the shark? Usual cruising speed for a great white is 5 knots.
- So, you're in a submersible, and a shark's attacking it. What dost thou deau? If you answered "Remove yourself from the craft and try to swim in a way that makes you an easier target for the shark", then conglaturation, you're about as dumb as the characters in the movie.
- Oh, shit! I just won an Oscar and I can't even be arsed to act like I'm that bothered by getting mauled by a shark.
- Also, I got submerged in the water, and my shirt is so dry it may as well have just been freshly laundered. Okay, there is an actual explanation for this: apparently, it just dried in between takes and Michael Caine couldn't be arsed to point out "Um, lads, my shirt just dried, even though I'm supposed to have just crawled out of the water. Could you hose me down?"
- JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE! Ladies and gentlemen, the worst cry of anguish in a motion picture.
- Is Mrs. Brody flashing back to the events of the original film? Events that she wasn't even around to watch?
- SHARKS. DON'T. FUCKING. ROAR. DUMBSHIT. NO VOCAL CORDS, NO LUNGS, NO ROAR.
- Also, why the fuck did the shark explode? Is this Bride of the Monster all over again?
- And how is Jake alive?
- The shark just kept coming so you had to go into the ocean? I repeat my question from earlier: is there literally nothing else inland? Even in the Bahamas?
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.