So, this week in the Deep Hurting Project will be Howling: New Moon Rising. I've only seen the first in the series, and even then, I haven't seen it in donkeys. But the only So Bad They're Horrible movies remaining on Amazon Prime are this and Highlander: The Source, and given the finality of that movie, I figure the choice is obvious. Whatever, let's dive in.
- It's worth noting that apparently Amazon Prime couldn't get anything better than a VHS quality. Always a good sign, I reckon,
- So, the first lines in this movie are "He's dead, inspector" "very good, Watson," "Who's Watson," and it's buried under a fake Ry Cooder-sounding intro so loud I needed the subtitles to get what they were even saying. So, what little joke there was is ruined by the sound design. And the strange thing is he apparently has an accent that I think is Scottish, not that I can tell too well.
- Barstow city limits sign? The Fear and Loathing reference is way too obvious.
- Demonic possession is considered unsanitaryn by the church?
- ... There's no way that song is written by Waylon Jennings. If that's a Waylon song, I'm Hank Williams. And, looking at the IMDb page, most of the songs were written by Bob Morwell. The only name I recognised among the songwriters was, of all people, Bruce Channel. And that song isn't "Hey, Baby."
- So far, this movie seems to be switching between a barely watchable werewolf movie (one whose werewolf content seems to be limited to stock footage of the last three movies in the series), and a barely passable movie about the sort of bar Toby Keith would probably love. Then again, I get the feeling that even Toby Keith's music would sound better than the score.
- Are those three guys trying to mimick how each other drinks?
- Wait a minute, I think I recognise that movie about the Hungarian werewolf movie. Admittedly, if not for that scene where the woman randomly gets topless and they keep showing it, I probably would have forgotten. Actually, scratch that, it was The Howling II that did that and I wouldn't remember it if it wasn't on the Spoony Experiment. And they only showed clips of The Howling 4-6.
- I'm sorry, wasn't this supposed to be a werewolf movie and not a zero-talent version of Nashville?
- And 20 minutes in, we're treated to what I can only be described as the Stones' "Emotional Rescue" video if it was shot by a Deadite in a petting zoo on a Virtual Boy.
- So, I guess this is the clip from The Howling 5? Is that the one that's basically And Then There Was None with a werewolf?
- Since when do werewolves take three years to mature? I admit I'm not fully up to my werewolf lore, but is that a thing anywhere? Even in this franchise?
- I found it. Now we'll finally get to see what music the family in Funny Games kept in their car, because who the fuck is going to wait for Criterion to release the Blu-ray?
- So, the Australian dude's into necrophilia, sadism, and bestiality? So, I guess that means he's Kero the Wolf. (Note: if you Google him, be warned that what you find won't be terribly safe for your mental health, let alone work.)
- I don't think I've seen a horror movie where they've tried so little to be scary since The Disappointments Room.
- Funny thing: people can still find blood under paint. So, anyone who thinks this might help you thwart the cops in your murder case, you're probably going to jail.
- Why is having your skin melt off a step in werewolf transformation?
- Drug use is a waste of time. But not horse dewormer, though.
- Yep, you know that I reviewed this when I'm less invested in this werewolf summing-up and more in what the shit kind of lute she has laying around in her hotel room. Is it a pipa, perhaps? No, those have four strings, not three, but they do have those absurdly raised frets.
- So, the events are fake, but the characters in Pioneer Town are apparently real?
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.