RE: The Last Movie You Watched
October 3, 2021 at 8:19 pm
(This post was last modified: October 3, 2021 at 9:58 pm by Rev. Rye.)
This week in the Deep Hurting Project is the 2020 Remake of The Grudge. Full disclosure, I have seen the original Japanese version (didn't really care for it), but none of the sequels nor have I seen any of the American versions prior to this. But, from what I understand, it's about a curse created by a soul who died in a state of extreme rage, and more specifically, about the Saeki family, who became the bearers of this curse, along with their house.
And, now that the Project is moving to Tubi, here's the choices for comedy (for next week):
- From what I've been able to understand, the titular Grudge is based around Saeki family and their home. For the record, they barely appear in this film. I'd say this is like shooting a Halloween movie without Michael Myers, but Halloween 3 has actually built up a cult following in recent years. And somehow, I doubt this film will.
- So, apparently, after getting his body charred, Joseph Goebbels crashed his car into a pile of twigs somewhere in a Pennsylvania forest? Okay, so maybe it's not Joseph Goebbels, but by this point, I'm never going to see a body that charred and not think of what happened to Goebbels' corpse. Or is it just a failed mummy?
- Okay, just for the record, don't be surprised if I don't do a big write-up of what happens in the film this time around. This movie isn't giving me much to work with. Not helped by the fact that 20 minutes in, it decides it wants to remake Lorenzo's Oil.
- Somehow, "I'm an excellent cook" doesn't have the same ring to it as "I'm an excellent driver." And because I have autism, I can make that wisecrack.
- In-fucking-credible. It's a third of the way through this film, and the scariest things to happen are that dead body, some jump scares, an early cameo from the Saekis who never appear after the opening, and a spontaneous nosebleed.
- Yes, Mama loves you, she loves you so much that she's going to fuck off to a country on the other side of the fucking world to be a carer. Something she could almost certainly have done locally.
- Why is Not-Dr.-Kevorkian introduced in such a strange way, like she's also on the same record as an old jazz song?
- What the shit kind of deli counter has a dead pig's head just sitting alongside the merchandise like that?
- No, Frank, stop. You're supposed to remove the thick grey socks before slobbering over my toes. Fuck it, you're a dog, you can't understand English, can you? Or at least wait until we're in a room that isn't lit like someone pissed all over the lighting rig.
- So, just to recap the premise for the story, because we're only going to be introduced to it halfway through and the creator's aren't good enough to give us a reason to give a shit like in, say, Gaspar Noe's Climax, 12 people in Japan have been killed at the Saeki home, and now this American decided to drop everything, including her family, and become a carer at that house long enough to pick up the Grudge. This caused her to kill her family, and, even though, as far as I can tell, none of them died in a way that would justify the famous death rattle that Kayako had in the other movies, at least three of them retained it in their onryo forms. There it is.
- The baby just moved. Cherish the moment, because he's going to get ALD, and in a few years, he'll be locked into his body. He'll have no mouth and he'll be dying to scream. And people wonder why antinatalism is a thing.
- Also, I just did the math and the Mathesons, an interracial couple, would likely have been together since 1954. Why the fuck aren't we telling this story?
- So, the corpse that I snarkily claimed was the corpse of Goebbels was that of Not.-Dr.-Kevorkian all along?
- What the fuck even is the detective's accent? It sounds like Colin Farrell trying to do the voice of the dad from the Caleb and Sophia videos.
- So, you're trying to keep your son safe, so you send him to the fucking house infected with the Grudge.
- Oh, honey, do you really have to go inside the house and pour gasoline over every room of the house individually?
- Look, if you didn't want your son to be in danger, don't bring him with you and have him wait in the car while you burn the house down. And why the fuck do you burn the house down while your kid's in it?
- Well, that static shot of the family home over the closing credits almost totally defused any tension that seeing our heroine's throat slit might have caused. It's like they were trying to ape a Michael Haneke style, only to fuck it up. And then they had some proper closing credits done to what sounds like the song from the catacombs in John Wick Chapter Two with screaming from the movie remixed into it. And, yes, an entire verse is done as sampled screams.
And, now that the Project is moving to Tubi, here's the choices for comedy (for next week):
- Amazing Bulk, wherein someone took a shitton of stock footage and somehow made it into a mockbuster of the Incredible Hulk.
- Best Night Ever, wherein Seltzerberg makes their first original movie, and by original movie, I mean they basically remade Project X.
- Birdemic 2: The Resurrection, wherein James Nguyen pisses away what little goodwill the original gave him.
- Game Therapy, wherein two Italian YouTubers decided to make a movie so bad that it only got enough demand for a DVD release because people wanted a third Italian YouTuber to review it.
- InAPPropriate Comedy, wherein the Sham-wow guy makes a worse Movie 43.
- Joe Piscopo: A Night at Club Piscopo, wherein a former SNL player who only really worked as part of an ensemble or duo mines from his solo Atlantic City show, and even can't get the audience to react.
- Surf School, wherein someone manages to make an American Pie/Road Trip-style film boring as fuck.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.