This week in the Deep Hurting Project, I was going to try to watch Transmorphers, but I decided to check up on what other titles might have suddenly become unavailable. And I found a few films that just got randomly added to Amazon Prime. Two youth films, and a comedy. And of the two youth films, both had connections with some horrifying people who had something momentous happen to them in October. The first was Leo the Lion, a movie about a vegetarian lion that has what looks to be a rape scene, and if you're wondering if the horrifying person in question is Harvey Weinstein, the answer is yes. But then again, the other horrifying person in question has his own holiday, so now, we're going to look at The Magic Voyage, an animated film about Christopher Columbus and how he went to the New World, not to discover it, and not even to exploit the natives, but to save the girlfriend of his bookworm (and I mean a literal bookworm) buddy. Yes, this was made in 1992. And, to get you in the mood, here's something that might help you understand some of the riffs I make:
- So, apparently, this was originally made in Germany, but I'm not going to hold this against them. Apparently, most of the problem of this film came about as a direct result of the American dub.
- And insert remark about how people didn't actually believe in a flat Earth in 1492 here.
- Although, apparently, Columbus believing the world is square is a new one to me.
- Why do I get the feeling that the gulls arguing over the fish didn't actually speak in the German dub?
- Well, it's nice to know that Angelic to the Core wasn't the first hint we got that Corey Feldman was a shit singer.
- Why does the bookworm know the true shape of the world?
- So, Columbus is voiced by Dom DeLuise doing what I can only assume was his audition tape for the Super Mario Brothers movie. And sometimes, you can tell that his dialogue doesn't match his facial expressions.
- I'd accuse the filmmakers of ripping off Beauty and the Beast, but I suspect that the turnaround time is too short for them to do so.
- What do you want to guess that the king's henchman is making a joke about the flying man going out the window by force of habit?
- King Ferdinand's advisor looks so stereotypically Jewish it's not even funny. Or is he a converso?
- I remember watching the Nostalgia Critic review of this film and he claimed that having Columbus having an affair with Queen Isabella was a unique touch, but then again, Stan Freberg did long before them. That said, having the Queen cuck the king right in front of him does seem unique.
- What do you think the makers of the film were thinking to themselves "This is stupid fun?"
- Actually, a woodworm is an insect. A beetle larva and not a worm, but still an insect.
- Why is that bell constantly ringing? So, full disclosure, I don't drink (alcohol doesn't play nice with the antidepressants [yes, plural] I take). Is the sensory overload I'm getting from the constant noise in this movie a good indicator of what a hangover is like IRL?
- So, that bottle didn't break. Not a good sign, if I know my sea lore.
- I'm not sure if the line about how the crew will mutiny if the rats leave the ship is meant to be stupid or not?
- Columbus is talking to and kissing his little worm? God-DAMN, Columbus must be flexible as Hell.
- Not a fan of wrestling? You probably missed Wrestlemania 6.
- Fish Heads, Fish Heads! RoLy PoLy Fish Heads! Fish Heads! Fish Heads! Eat them up, YUM.
- Was anyone asking for a kid's movie where Christopher Columbus jacks off in his sleep? The fact that he pulls a spyglass out of his crotch doesn't help this interpretation. I bet you think I'm kidding about that, don't you?
- Rumble Rumble Rumble! Mutiny Mutiny Mutiny!
- I have to admit, staving off a mutiny by singing a half-finished song about how great the sailor's life is seems like an interesting take, even if the accompanying visuals probably came from a Tragedy of Man mockbuster.
- Yep, he repeated the "if you leave the ship, the crew will mutiny" line to the rats. That was apparently meant to be serious.
- Are those sharks? I ask because one of them just fucking roared.
- Wait, do locusts eat wood?
- Also, they apparently landed somewhere in Guatemala. That pyramid looks a bit too MesoAmerican for the Caribbean where Columbus actually landed. And why are there beavers there?
- Or would you prefer a nice piece of shit?
- Why do the rats know what wildlife belongs where?
- Well, that death by drowning was needlessly graphic and uncomfortably in what looks like real time. Good thing the sun actually rose and revived her somehow.
- There's going to be a city where we are right now! And I'm going to open up the first Italian restaurant! Progress! Also, did they just imply they were in what would be later implied to be New York City? Now it makes even less sense!
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.