This week in the Deep Hurting Project, well, I'm currently on Sci-Fi in my genre cycles and there's no Christmas Sci-Fi movies on Tubi that are bad enough for the Deep Hurting Project, so it was a bit tough to pick. But finding Blu-Rays of the first Transformers movie and the first Terminator movie at Half-Price Books (and I only bothered with the latter), I decided to pick a movie that managed to rip off both of them.
- So, they start off by explaining that they found life on another planet 20 million light years away. They responded to your message of friendship five years later. Anyone sufficiently well-versed in physics to explain why this makes no sense so I don't have to?
- And fuck you for using the Sears Tower as the first monument to be destroyed.
- Just because nobody's taken out the robots in over a century doesn't mean there's no chance at doing so. But it does mean that taking a Sisyphean tack to this might not be the best option.
- So, they've been trying to take on these robots for over a century and the closest thing they have found to a weakness in these things is that they've decided to do something different?
- YOu'll never know if the revolutionaries were on to something? You know, maybe try some of their tactics?
- Why has it been 15 minutes in and the only thing I know about these soldiers is that one of them is named Clinton and another named Blackthorne?
- Is that just shitty CGI or suitamation for the robots? I can barely tell with the strobe lighting.
- And all of a sudden, they're building up someone named Mitchell who's apparently a traitor, but also the best man for whatever job they're doing, and then there's a random split-screen for a shot.
- Will it be lucid? The movie's barely lucid.
- What the fuck is Mitchell's accent supposed to be? I'm getting Ringo Starr for the most part, but he sometimes rolls his Rs like some Scottish accent, but his actor's apparently from London, and apparently, he did some time in a Uni in Sussex.
- So, I guess they're making an attempt at developing the characters. And it's all
- Seems like a bit of an abuse of the "Hit Me" technique to have everyone try and do it to him. If I recall correctly, this mostly works as a short demonstration of power.
- Is that um bald dude um trying um to act um like he's um Jeff Goldblum?
- They're working on a radical new assault on the robots, but they're more preoccupied with a catfight.
- This war's been going on for hundreds of years, and they're only starting to fight it today? You know what, I'm still busy waiting on how a planet 20 million light years away gets to earth in 5 regular years.
- You'd think that they'd have been able to reverse engineer their tech only after actually defeating one. Isn't that generally how this shit works?
- It rains up there 24/7? Then why was the fight in the beginning on dry land?
- Yep. It's officially bad CGI. Anyone else miss the days when B-movie producers actually put effort into their shit effects?
- They sent the Calvary? How did they sent the entire hill of Golgotha?
- Huh. Nice to see that a main character in this 2007 movie is casually revealed as a lesbian.
- Mitchell's an android now? And he feels too much, even though his emotions up to now have all been gung ho.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.