You know what, I think I'm going to do the Deep Hurting Project a day early today. This week, it's a movie called Frozen Flesh. And I think it may be the worst movie ever made. Here it is:
So, what makes it so bad? Well, are you familiar with the work of Robert Wilson? He's the director responsible for bringing Einstein on the Beach to the world. His style is often willfully strange, and very slow, as in "a maid bringing a glass of milk to two children and then stabbing them one by one with absolutely nothing omitted from this description can easily take half an hour" slow. This is apparently done to get the audience to get to internalise it on a level beyond normal theater, inspired by his work with a deaf child and a severely autistic child. I am almost certainly not explaining this well, but it's like the director of this movie is trying to create a similar effect while barely understanding how it's supposed to work. You could play it at twice the normal speed and it would still be unbearably tedious. I know this because that's exactly what I just did.
According to IMDb, this is the plot: "A mass murderer kills his victims, then cooks and eats them."
And I'm going to explain what happens in as much detail as it warrants:
And I figure I may as well reply with this Family Guy clip.
And, hopefully, I'll take on Jamie Kennedy's KDOC New Year's special when the day comes.
So, what makes it so bad? Well, are you familiar with the work of Robert Wilson? He's the director responsible for bringing Einstein on the Beach to the world. His style is often willfully strange, and very slow, as in "a maid bringing a glass of milk to two children and then stabbing them one by one with absolutely nothing omitted from this description can easily take half an hour" slow. This is apparently done to get the audience to get to internalise it on a level beyond normal theater, inspired by his work with a deaf child and a severely autistic child. I am almost certainly not explaining this well, but it's like the director of this movie is trying to create a similar effect while barely understanding how it's supposed to work. You could play it at twice the normal speed and it would still be unbearably tedious. I know this because that's exactly what I just did.
According to IMDb, this is the plot: "A mass murderer kills his victims, then cooks and eats them."
And I'm going to explain what happens in as much detail as it warrants:
- 0:00-2:31: Opening Credits
- 2:31-5:16: I think something melts. It may be a candle, but shooting it in infrared makes it impossible to tell what I'm looking at. Get used to me not knowing what the fuck I'm even supposed to be looking at
- 5:16-6:25: What I think may just be a still of a faucet.
- 6:25-9:17: Water goes down the drain, as does what I think is supposed to be some blood. Eventually a hand brushes the last of it down the drain.
- 9:17-20:46: Something is being coked in a pan. Eventually, smoke starts to appear. Actually, it may just be boiling water. After a bit less than ten minutes, something gets dropped into the pan with a ladle, which stirs it.
- 20:47- 22:51: Something that may be sauce is getting dropped onto a pan. It stirs it and eventually, the pan is removed.
- 22:51-36:21: There is a hand. After 30 seconds of just laying there, someone drips sauce all over it in a haphazard way. Around 25:30, a hand places some sort of red square at the corner of the screen. Around 26:41, something else that may or may not be a dry rub is poured over it, and eventually engulfing it in a display of "What the Hell am I even looking at?" At 31:25, something starts moving it around. At 34:50, someone starts sprinkling some more shit on the hand.
- 36:21-43:42: We see a man in a black hood and a striped shirt. He is breathing. That's about it.
- 43:42- 58:21: Either it's the same guy from the previous shot stabbing nothing in particular, or it's another guy stabbing the first guy. He is in profile. His shirt is evidently long enough that he can just cover his hand with his sleeve so he doesn't get his fingerprints on the murder weapon.
- 58:21-62:03: We see the guy from the previous shot from the front. He's just rotating the knife as if to show it off.
- 62:03- 66:21: The guy from three shots ago is doing his thing and just breathing. At 63:44, there's a cut for some reason.
- 66:22-75:27: The guy from two shots ago is seen from the front and stabbing, even more slowly than usual for this movie.
- 75:28-107:25: He's back in profile, and he's stabbing. Stabby Stab stab, to quote one of the girls from Wisconsin who tried to sacrifice one of her friends to Slender Man.
- 107:25-111:59: Ending Credits.
Quote:A joke designed to bring out the best (and the worst) in vicious audiences who will spit and hurl personal insults at artists who want nothing more than to have themselves heard creatively.
Pretentious jerks who will do anything and everything to make themselves feel superior.
So, I made "Frozen Flesh" as an act of vigilance for all filmmakers out there who dedicate their heart & soul to their films, only to have them torn apart. It's one thing to attack a film. It's another to attack a fellow human being just because he expressed his creativity
And I figure I may as well reply with this Family Guy clip.
And, hopefully, I'll take on Jamie Kennedy's KDOC New Year's special when the day comes.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.