The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: The Amazing Bulk. It's basically Hulk via Ed Wood. I know it's a cliche to compare a bad movie to something Ed Wood made, and, indeed, Ed Wood somehow managed to make nothing bad enough for the Project. That said, this clip: 



I Hate Everything did a video about this movie and pointed to the director's commentary where they outright stated they basically built this movie around whatever random stock graphics they could buy. The actors were shot on a green-screen and all but six shots had a background that was just stock footage. And I'm not even going to count how many unique shots were in the film, but, according to Cinemetrics, The Avengers, which came out the same year, had an Average Shot Length of 2.8 seconds. This movie is 76 minutes, 11 seconds long. So, if that's any indication, 6 shots out of 1632 were made specifically for the movie. That's 0.367% of the movie.

• And we're off to a great start with logos that blatantly rip off the Universal, Fox, and Paramount logos. This takes up the first minute of the movie. It's almost a relief when we get to the actual credits, which are in Comic Sans.
  
• Wow, Alicia Silverstone really fell on hard times before she got picked up for The Babysitters' Club on Netflix.
  
• So, the thug shoots the Bulk, then screams and shields himself before we even see what he's doing? A reaction shot from The Bulk would have been nice, movie.
  
• So, we cut from the ambulance to one day earlier, where a plane is flying over a tropical city, then beakers, and then we're in a crappy CGI high school science classroom that was probably delivered too late for Rapsittie Street Kids.
  
• The serum keeps turning blue? Looks like one of you is pregnant.
  
• And, evidently, the serum makes rats invisible? Why are they so blase about that, even if it did happen 235 times before?
  
• It's incredible how little the shots they bought meld together. We go from an Elmo's World-looking city with a rotoscoped car to a background that I'm fairly certain was from a Warner Brothers cartoon to random butterflies to an uncanny SunKist field to something I probably saw in a 1990s point-and-click educational game. 
  
• That weird "do you want children" exchange is weird, especially given that she's not actually pregnant. And you can't just have rats for pets? You know, I'd recommend watching Creek Valley Critters' YouTube channel. They seem to make very cute pets.
  
  
  
• You told her the truth? You barely gave her any answer.
  
• 237?  Crap, this is a Kubrick reference, isn't it?
  
• Why is Meat Loaf banging someone banging a bimbo who belongs in a movie set in the 1920s? And why does he have guards and a medieval-looking dungeon? And why does he have a monkey playing with a rocket in his lab? 
  
• And now they've gone as far as using rocket launches from the 1960s for their stock footage. And how does blowing the German Institute of Scientists lead to him getting all their money?
  
• Firing rockets at a bunch of random monuments is a very strange substitute for sex, Bruce.
  
• How did a roller coaster turn into a subway train? And that looks unusually empty for a subway train.
  
• I must defend my Tefillin at all costs!
  
• And now they're in a car?
  
• And is there a reason they're testing this super serum on a plant?
  
• So, I guess 30 minutes in, the Bulk returns, and all that random horseshit in that took up all this time took place in a single day.
  
• HULK HANDS! I never got them, but I remember the ads. I won't post them because I'm one video away from the limit and I'm saving the third for something special.
  
• So, they basically just do the opening scene over again, this time, from the Bulk's point of view.
  
• The female detective can't even imagine that Henry might be connected to that double homicide, even after he leaves his ID at the scene of the crime? 
  
• Why the fuck did someone write "lynch mob" on that wall?
  
• Did they just cast the Dr. Kantlove segments by recycling the cast of a local production of The Drowsy Chaperone? Seriously, the doctor could be Feldzeig (or maybe Adolfo), Lolita could be Kitty, and then we have the two random-ass gangsters.
  
• Evidently, they got some kid to scribble a star logo on the cop car.
  
• You know, the sad thing is, I can believe that the US Supreme Court Building is that close to the shitty part of Washington.
  
• Who are these random people trying to film the Bulk's fight? And why is he big enough to hold the helicopter like it's a toy when he was a maximum of 12 feet tall earlier?
  
• What have I become, my sweetest friend?
  
• And why does the general have the syringe, and not someone else with him.
  
• So, evidently, he's fucking Nicole Kidman from The Human Stain. 
  
• We interrupt this superhero mockbuster to bring you this YouTube Poop of that scene from 2001 with the spaceship docking.
  
• So, injecting yourself with this Hulk serum makes you prime marriage material?
  
  
  
• Two 2001 spaceship homages in ten minutes?
  
• And blowing up the moon means you'll never watch a rerun of The Honeymooners?
  
• Evidently, Dr. Kantlove lives at Medieval Times.
  
• Why does a picture of the general suffice in pissing him off enough to become the Bulk?
  
• No, you didn't kill both your guards, one of them's just standing in one spot screaming.
  
• WHAT THE FUCK DOES THE STORY ABOUT THE LITTLE GREEN ALIEN WHOSE SPACESHIP  BROKE DOWN AND ASKED TO USE YOUR PHONE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
  
• The Bulk's pre-kill movements are too awkward to be intimidating.
  
• I have no idea what the big twist is. So, apparently, the General lost federal funding for his project, so he had Dr. Kantlove subsidise it so he could cure his ED. And now that he's ended up with The Bulk, the serum's a success and therefore he has no choice but to eliminate Kantlove, and also The Bulk, despite being the successful prototype of this super-soldier serum? This makes no sense whatsoever, but whatever, we have this scene:
  
  
  This is gloriously baffling, a bit like the "Help is on the way" sequence in Duck Soup, except the stock footage used here makes less sense, and it's almost like they decided they needed to use the rest of the CGI they bought the rights to, but couldn't fit in the proper movie. And apparently, the director claims he didn't choose to have that chase scene look the way it did, even though he's the fucking director
• Is it weird that I find myself wanting to make a drinking game where the one rule is "Every time a random Kubrick reference happens, take a shot?"
  
• So, Hank survived getting a nuke dropped on him. Why the fuck not?
  
• Good job, it's a shame that you killed Luigi and that random super-pug, but it's a good job all the same.
  
• "I'm Gonna kill you!" "That Boy Needs Therapy" "Play the Kazoo, let's have it tune, On the count of three" "That that that that that boy boy needs therapy" "He was white as a sheet" "And he also made false teeth" 
  
• What a fake-out. We thought we were going to go through the first scene for a third time, and it turned out to be a ripoff of the last scene of Carrie. Neat trick, that.