This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Paparazzi Princess: The Paris Hilton Story, in commemoration of finding out that Paris Hilton's backstory is far more sympathetic than I would have expected.
- It's weird, the first thing I notice about the woman playing Paris is that she looks about as far from Paris as you can get while still being a white blonde girl. And the second thing I notice is that, unlike the real Paris, this girl actually wears underwear.
- So, there's three things to know about women: champagne, chocolate, and shoes. And to think that I'm a cheap teetotaler who thinks women actually look sexier barefoot. And that's probably why I'm currently in a committed relationship with a body pillow. Also, I wonder if preferring dark chocolate diminishes me in any way in that equation.
- Also, they keep bringing up that Paris just went to Paris and somehow, they avoid turning it into a "Who's on First" situation. And for all the talk about Paris getting shoes in Paris in the opening scenes, there's no reference to how difficult it is to get sexy shoes in a size 11 (or 42 EU).
- You know, the sad thing is, even though I was so annoyed at these girls' real-life antics and how inescapable they were back in the day to the point where it was part of the reason I became a socialist (besides it just being one of the most sound systems), I still know enough about them to tell that they were still more interesting than this.
- Since when do coffee joints have a bargain DVD rack? And, the fact that she went from casually ordering a latte to just toddling off to the bargain bin aside for no apparent reason aside, I'd probably go to that coffee shop if they were selling cheap porno DVDs (and bear in mind, the only place I can remember that actually sold porno DVDs is Rolling Stone Records), even though I don't do hot drinks.
- So, Rod Stewart's daughter runs with Paris? Is this the same one that eventually shacked up with Guillermo del Toro? Okay, evidently she is.
- Nick Nolte? That's who she wants to look like? The fuck?
- I did not think that prison got this rapey even in the drunk tank.
- "The LAPD is like a box of chocolates; You never know what you're going to get." Funny thing, one of my teachers in high school pointed out how wrong that analogy was, even accounting for the fact that the guy who said it is right on the border of mentally challenged. He amended it to being: "if you look closely, you know exactly what you're going to get." Drink enough, and you're probably going to be just over the legal limit at the right time.
- And is there a reason Paris getting out of the drunk tank is being scored to a royalty-free version of "Adagio for Strings."
- "I'm just misunderstood." A shitty rationale for someone who's obscenely rich to steal from a coffee shop. Who does she think she is, Bob Durst?
- Driving just over the legal limit for a first-time offence, and getting a suspended sentence, 3 years probation, and 3 months in AA. That sounds about right, to be honest.
- I can only assume that the season where Dexter dates Paris Hilton and gives too little of a shit to stop her from driving with a suspended license happened between Seasons 8 and 9.
- I love that the DA (at least, I think that's what she's supposed to be) is hammy and hell-bent on getting her into jail.
- These girls still want her publicist even though she just fired him for being incompetent?
- Miss Julie? So, I guess she didn't kill herself after all.
- Well, that was quick: he just sentenced her to 45 days in prison while barely giving her a chance to explain her case.
- "I want your autograph, because you are pathetic."
- Is it weird that this movie has more Paris Hilton feet than The Hottie and the Nottie, which was specifically made to show off her beauty? Then again, Paris considers her size 11s her worst feature IRL.
- Why would she break her teeth on iron bars that look like penises? I'm fairly certain biting isn't part of good technique. And how would she even put them in her mouth? Of course, I guess that that was at least a joke about consensual sex. I can remember my mother watching her post-jail interview on Larry King Live and, when she was talking about how life in prison was, saying "I dropped the soap."
- Is it strange that, seeing Paris sobbing, undressing, and sitting on the toilet, I find myself thinking "You know, if you got a camera and some cherry cobbler, she could do a good Crybaby Squat."
- And, all of a sudden, she has serious medical issues. It would have been nice to set those up, movie!
- Also, all of a sudden, the paparazzi have a strong enough sense of justice to point out that Paris' 45-day sentence is very disproportionate to her crime. And even then, Nicole Ritchie and Lindsay Lohan also both get separate DUIs and both get away with a jail sentence that's shorter than the length of this film, even as Lindsay was found with cocaine.
- Wait, Sarah Silverman was a character in this movie?
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.