This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Deadly Lessons
- The first 30 seconds of this film consists of a black screen, a single title in Comic Sans, and Henry Zebrowski's impression of Joseph Kallinger.
- They're apparently very proud of the title sequence enough that they put it in the opening credits, but evidently they're ashamed enough of it that they keep giving the camera a seizure before we can actually see the names?
- Q. Mark? Did the dude who wrote "96 Tears" direct this movie?
- Children are flying and I have no idea what the fuck is going on.
- One of these boys is literally named Billy Boy?
- So, does this imagined flying cover things like engine failures? Or terrorists hijacking it? Because this was made two years after 9/11, even if it took over a decade for it to be released to streaming.
- So, Simon Conjurer is a Gary Stu who thinks handcuffing a kid and leaving him in the middle of town with a couple bucks is a good idea?
- Why is Jon Voight dressed in this ridiculous fatsuit, why does he hate Simon Conjurer, and why the fuck did the writers think the name Dr. Crazyx was a good one?
- Does he even know what most of these words even mean?
- What would be the point of looking at a lottery ticket in the middle of class?
- The God's Not Dead movies have a better grasp on irreligious people than this movie. Hell, they had a better grasp of literally everything than this movie.
- Scorpio has scars on his face? No, he doesn't.
- Your left pec is not over your heart.
- So, Simon Conjurer has the power to retroactively add scars to people?
- Huh. The bipolar girl goes commando. Nice.
- Simon Conjurer apparently wrote the Never-Ending Story.
- And why is Dr. Crazyx constantly eating candy bars?
- So, the kid jumped to his death because he thought he could fly out a window? Nice to see that there's some actual flaws with his method. And he's apparently innocent somehow.
- Apparently, the fat guy developed an overeating habit because his mother would beat him if he put on another pound?
- Okay, so he apparently developed the habit because of some people who broke into his house and helping somoene with an anxiety attack cured it? If only shit was that easy.
- Channeling his anger into justice somehow makes him better? Has nobody watched Dexter? Okay, maybe it wasn't airing at the time this was shot.
- Well, at least they saved that cigar box guitar.
- Does Dr. Crazyx even have a first name?
- Suicide is not that bad? And he's giving her that note in a book?
- I lost my teeth in a poker game and won them back in a crap game. Except that's not my teeth?
- Why does he keep a big snake in his living room? Maybe he's using it as a brothel for Huggy Bear.
- Why does he have the Library of Alexandria in his home?
- Is that bipolar girl threatening to kill herself supposed to make me think of Blazing Saddles, because that's exactly what this scene is reminding me of. Even if she's flashing back to a traumatic memory.
- Fucking Christ, having a single epiphany does not cure you of whatever mental problem you've got.
- The same liquors with the same amount in the bottles? DAMN that's a big coincdence.
- So, they just cured three people in as many minutes? Why the fuck is there still an hour left in this movie.
- You do know smoking doesn't actually hide your face, right?
- And he's afraid of death, so he picks up smoking? A habit that's been linked to a shitton of health issues?
- Why is the suicidal kid who thinks he's Brando narrating?
- Fucking Hell, they're using this book as a random plot device to justify how random this plot is.
- Anorexia is selfishness, and also the same as bulimia?
- So, he has a button that catapults a live piglet straight into the mouth of his snake? And to think that a few minutes ago, we had to deal with a girl reliving her past trauma where she witnessed her father run some kid over without a second thought.
- So Crazyx killed Conjurer's wife?
- So Crazyx has installed something in the rooftop of his home that hides a scimitar and a fucking plank for Conjurer to walk off of. And he gets him to fall off by waving that scimitar around and pointing his pistol at him at the same time. It's a wonder that Crazyx doesn't fall off the fucking plank himself.
- He can't read? He can't fucking read? How the fuck does Dr. Crazyx win a Pulitzer when he can't even fucking read? And why does he keep the entire Library of Alexandria in his home in the first place?
- YOu have got to be fucking kidding me. The wife Crazyx supposedly killed is still alive. And Conjurer (last seen falling to his death) decides to fuck her while she's showering in this rejected furnishing from the Rainforest Cafe? And the sight of the two fucking is enough for the gay kid to turn straight? And he's gay because he walked in on the Catholic School adaptation of The Human Stain happening in front of him?
- Okay, you know what, I'm not even mad at the fact that he somehow fell onto a truck full of mattresses. But why the fuck is Rebel in that truck?
- And the gambler had his big epiphany off-screen? And it's because he has bad luck, which is kind of the exact wrong thing a gambler should have.
- And the text vanishes when each character's arc is finished? Because the books were always blank and your mind was supposed to fill in the blanks? Even when you read shit about other people's arcs? And then Anorexic girl talks about some other twist that makes this make even less sense, like this is some fan theory for House of Leaves?
- And of course he's dumb enough to admit to the murder as he was being arrested. Of Course.
- And Rebel's arc ends when he talks to his long-dead father about the bet and the car he totaled.
- So, Rebel has developed gerontophilia?
- Okay, now I want to know what the fuck is wrong with this new seminar, because there's a guy with acne, someone with a headless baby, someone who likes to go fishing in the middle of a school building, and a girl with dozens of sungleasses, and that's not even going into the people I can barely make out.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.