RE: The Last Movie You Watched
March 27, 2022 at 7:27 pm
(This post was last modified: March 27, 2022 at 7:28 pm by Rev. Rye.)
Due to unforseen circumstances (read: finding a DVD copy at Half Price Books for $2), this week's film for the Deep Hurting Project will not be Tentacolino, but Jenny McCarthy's Dirty Love. It's a gross-out sex comedy in the vein of the Farrelly Brothers, but with a feminine perspective. With shit like a woman dancing topless with vomit on her tits or carpeting a store with her period blood. Bridesmaids proved it could be done a decade later, but Bridesmaids didn't have a script (written by star Jenny McCarthy) that's total shit. So, before we dive in, here's something that you could play 30 times in a row and have a much better experience than watching this movie:
This might be worth the $2 if there was a poodle that bites and chews in this.
This might be worth the $2 if there was a poodle that bites and chews in this.
- Shouting "Oh My God" in the shrillest voice is not comedy, Jenny.
- Well, we've got a poodle. It just exists to be photographed and dyed pink for whatever reason, but, so far, poodle does not bite, poodle does not chew it.
- You know, maybe it would have been better if we actually saw what brought this outbreak on before we saw her debase herself.
- Is there a reason Madame Zora sounds like she's doing a Hong Kong dub?
- If Carmen Electra's black, I'm Muhammad Ali.
- A look like this might be acceptable if I was watching this on a VHS that was a few watches away from becoming unwatchable, but DVD doesn't work like that.
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyUDbbWIXS0/video] - Is there a reason Jenny McCarthy is eying up Dave Rubin and Neil Patrick Harris?
- And to think that if the blonde guy was just a childlike bisexual girl, he'd probably get away with blatantly sniffing her hair like that.
- I'm not going to touch the obvious Jewish director stereotypes they're goaded into dating for a sequence or two with a 10-meter pole.
- Okay, the scene where she's supposedly dancing topless with vomit on her tits is more playing with them in front of paparazzi while she has vomit on her tits and is going through the same histrionics from the first scene in a ridiculously low-cut dress.
- So, how much longer before they get the guy who looks like Freddie from Freddie Got Fingered who's obviously being set up as her final love interest to actually be her love interest? Maybe a bit less than an hour? Okay.
- Ecstasy? Well, I suppose they got the "dancing like a prick" part of an ecstasy high down.
- Why does that guy have a fish in between his butt cheeks? Just so he can say "Touch my bass?" That's a stupid pun and a very stupid sex act.
- And why the fuck is Carmen Electra pointing a gun at her pussy?
- Why do I get the feeling that getting slapped with a fish doesn't result in bruises like this.
- Well, that lady director's given a perfect summation of Jenny McCarthy's best friend's acting ability. And the sad thing is, her bad acting is more or less identical to her bad acting in this movie.
- And to think that Jenny McCarthy was doing that one scene from Gone Girl almost a decade before Rosamund Pike.
- You know, there might have been a time where the menstrual blood in that scene would have bothered me, but then I discovered Hermann Nitsch and that just seemed like small potatoes.
- Is it strange that I think Carmen Electra wound up picking the wrong ethnic stereotype for the job she was saddled with? Is this what Woah Vicky's mother was like?
- So, is there a reason she's dating Simon Conjurer?
- Blue Fucker? That's seriously a cocktail name? Okay, looking it up, there is a cocktail called the Blue Motherfucker. It's equal parts vodka, rum, tequila, gin, and blue curacao in a highball glass with ice otherwise filled with sweet and sour mix with a splash of 7up. Garnish with a lemon wedge or maraschino cherry. Or maybe not.
- How the fuck is that lady officer so unfamiliar with menstruation?
- Yes, we get it, he's a magician. We didn't need to have him do the rainbow scarves trick while the police performed a cavity search.
- I'm sorry, did you just say a 1969 Martin V-18? Don't you mean a D-18?
- 1966 Khoner? Not a brand I'm familiar with. Okay, that just looks like a normal sunburst cheapo that I think may have shit stains on the top and nothing worth $3500. Also, the fuck does this scene have to do with anything?
- Are you seriously using the Onion for dating advice? Why am I not high right now?
- Was that supposed to be a limerick?
- And why is not Uwe Boll in this movie?
- It's weird, the last time I've seen a singer use a megaphone for singing was Rudy Vallee.
- Off topic: in 1956, the Duke Ellington band were playing the Newport Jazz Festival. At the time, they were starting to be seen as dinosaurs, and given that they were a swing big band just around the time Rock and Roll was becoming a thing, there was a reason for that. Then they launched into "Diminuendo and Crescendo in Blue" and Tenor Saxophonist Paul Gonsalves launched into a legendary solo that was so amazing that the normally seated audience leapt out of their seats and started dancing. And allegedly, it was a blonde girl named Elaine Anderson who helped catalyse that dancing. I mention this because Jenny McCarthy decided to rush the stage of this nightclub and dry-hump the bassist.
- You know, that girl's feminist speech would probably have struck a chord if not for the fact that, well, if her acting in this movie's any indication, the casting couch is almost certainly the only reason this actress would even get anywhere. And that' why I've never heard the name Kam Heskin before this. I might have seen some of the films in her filmography, but I don't remember a Candy in Catch Me If You Can.
- Holy shit, chewing the clitoris? That's bad enough, but I also discovered "The Jolly Rancher Story" and I'm finding that this could have potentially been even worse.
- A mango? I probably would have picked a Crenshaw melon.
- And we're not even being given a reason it wouldn't work bettween Jenny McCarthy and not-Freddie?
- Wait, those two electric guitars look like Silvertones. So, why was he talking about 1959 Gretsches to the pawn shop?
- And that's it? She's gone from zero for zero reason to "you're my soulmate" just because of the word "pony" on his shoe?
- Well, that ending monologue was a whole lot of nothing.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.