This week in the Deep Hurting Project is the 2002 remake of 1975's Rollerball. The original was a cult classic that I, frankly, never got around to watching. I should probably get around to doing so, especially since it's leaving Tubi in 3 days, but whatevs, it's time to take on the remake.
- Huh. I was expecting an extreme version of roller derby, but I ended up getting a street luge.
- Good fucking God, if you ever watched Sidehackers and thought that motorcycle racing with a sidecar was stupidly dangerous, try doing a street luge while having to deal with traffic that repeatedly tries to run you over because they can't fucking see you and you weren't given any warning that there might be some idiots lying supine on skateboards going down the road.
- I can barely understand what's going on over the nu-metal blaring on the soundtrack and this obnoxious editing, but I can only assume that Borat was a more accurate representation of Kazakhstan than this movie.
- The announcer who seems to have his hand glued to his forehead is just modeling the way you should be watching this movie.
- The guy turned down a first draft pick in the NHL to play some needlessly stupid extreme sport. Given the street luge in the beginning it
- Also, this movie apparently takes place in 2005. That's not a joke or anything, they just decided to set it three years in the future, even though the original is a dystopian sci-fi movie where fictional bloodsports would make sense, they settled for setting it in the near future in a former Soviet republic.
- Don't get too attached to that soda, Jonathan. They have to keep the rest so that they can make that gay singer they sent to the gulags look like he's just living a quiet life in Germany.
- Why is Zaaphod Beeblebrox' vestigial robot head wearing a joker's hat?
- Why the fuck did they get Jean Reno to play this? And not only that, but he reprised his role for the French dub, where he's just speaking French in a bad Russian accent instead of speaking English in a bad Russian accent.
- That's gotta be the laziest way of getting Scarlett Johansson into your movie: just put her in a helmet that keeps her from seeing anything and have someone fake shemp her and just call her Black Widow.
- Facepalm guy was giving a fairly thorough explanation of the rules, but I still have no idea what those Global Instant Ratings mean.
- Why do they have a live band accompanying Rollerball games? Don't get me wrong, at least trying to figure out the guitarists' gear is more interesting than the game.
- Why are they just randomly switching film stocks for this one scene?
- You know, seeing Jean Reno reminds me: the last time we saw him in the Deep Hurting Project, he was playing a character named Mehmet Love. And now I find myself wondering what a better movie with that character name would be like. Probably like La Haine if it was a French-Arabic analogue to blaxsploitation. Or maybe it's the sort of movie where we see Mehmet Love alternate between beating the shit out of a lawyer-friendly substitute to the National Front and getting balls-deep in some random girls.
- What if what wasn't an accident? They barely gave us much of a context to give a shit about anything.
- Atlantic City syndrome? Are they going to explain what that actually means?
- You know, for being directed by the guy who did Die Hard, this movie's really phoning in the plot beats for this movie. Oh, look, this girl automatically knows what he's talking about, let's meet my friend Serge, oh no, that's not Serge, that's the cops.
- Why did they just randomly cut to some naked Japanese guys dancing to "Wooly Bully"?
- The black guy's reacting to the idea that they'd probably kill someone by saying they'll never kill him. So, who wants to bet he dies soon?
- :Everything sucks and I can prove it. Just watch this movie.
- You know, maybe I named Facepalm guy too early. He sounds like Alex Jones, and barely facepalms, so maybe I'm just calling him Good Alex Jones from now on.
- Nope, black dude didn't die. He just narrowly escaped death.
- You want to know what the guy's shit smells like? Eew...
- Crossing over into Russia? How the fuck is this going to be better? Aren't they going to be even more corrupt than the Kazakhs?
- So, is that one girl Arlo Parks now?
- Why are they shooting this scene with a green night vision filter?
- Yes, Jean Reno, we get it. You own everyone who owns anything.
- And now he decides he wants to rule the galaxy as father and son with Jean Reno.
- And put him in the GROUND!!!! You must think I'm a joke! I ain't gonna be a part of your system! I'm an aDULLLLTTTT!!!
- Jesus Christ, Sequel Trilogy Luke Skywalker has snapped!
- And is anyone actually going to stop Jonathan before he does his last move?
- Apparently barstools are impervious to bullets.
- And why is the British Indian dude in charge now? Did he even appear in this movie before he decided he was Jean Reno's successor and spouted off some random Victorian British stereotypes?
- Durango 95 reference. Fuck this movie.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.