In commemoration of Shark Week, this week in the Deep Hurting Project: Shark Exorcist. It's a film so bad that, for a time, I Hate Everything considered it the worst movie he had ever seen.
- A barefoot nun just sacrificed a girl to Satan. Or a CGI shark, apparently. I wonder if her decision to kill some random girl for Satan means she's less interested in the vows of chastity.
- And why do I get the feeling that there's no way a great white shark could live in that body of water?
- Huh. It looks like they're remaking Death Proof. It's a shame that Donald Farmer doesn't have the eye for composition to make the feet shots look great.
- Wow. It's the same CGI shark shot as before.
- And they didn't even have Ali get attacked by the shark. She just spit up some pasta sauce and spilled some more on her leg.
- I wonder if the hospital knew they were filming in it.
- Paris Landing? You mean part of the Tennessee River? I decided to check up on how plausible it would be, so I found this story. One sighting in 16 years, one that's 3 feet long and almost certainly introduced as a prank.
- So, this shark psychic is filming a spiel at Paris Landing and she decides, mid-speech, to turn her back to the camera and keep talking. Did she see the other camera and forget the one that's supposed to be filming her in-universe? Does he even give a shit about the Axis of Action rule?
- You know, given the shark's choice of targets, he's probably looking a bit further south than your tits. Or are the titty rubs supposed to be for the spirits that supposedly haunt Paris Landing?
- So, there's this random woman who looks like a hooker sticking her thumb out asking for rides while plaintive piano music is playing. Is this a porno version of She Hulk?
- They're just using the same two or three shots for the shark, aren't they?
- Huh. That great blue heron clearly gives no fucks about what just happened.
- Man, Ethan Hawke's screen tests for First Reformed were crap. He couldn't even have books that weren't about acting in the foreground.
- Wow. Evidently, not Jessica Chastain's made the deliberate choice to monologue with her back to the camera.
- That shot of not-Ethan Hawke leaving his church actually looks nice.
- And all of a sudden, we have three women trying to do some pagan ritual in a cemetery and a woman in a flimsy gown having a meltdown in a different cemetery. It intercuts between the two for no good reason.
- And for even more randomness, there's this woman who seems to think she's a child playing on a playground before I think she's getting seduced by this woman who's possessed by a shark. Weird thing is I remember having a coworker who was both a barely closeted bisexual and bizarrely childlike, and this scene reminds me of this one time when I found her Facebook profile and she devoted an entire album to one spring break where she and her girlfriends decided to play with a rubber duck on a random playground. Though that said, at least they figured out how to actually use a slide properly. They may have used it for a race between one of them, the duck, and a bag of sour punch straws (the latter one won), but at least they didn't run down the slide.
- Is she actually trying to prompt the child-woman for her next line?
- Was that scene with the childlike woman just a dream?
- If you're just going to have your show involve acting like you're masturbating and having an orgasm, why not just do that in public? It looks like a secluded enough spot.
- That's the fucking Nashville Pantheon. I remember going there when I made my trip to Nashville. Why the fuck is a shark movie set in a landlocked state?
- Huh. Random confession of necrophilia in a shark movie. Who'd have guessed?
- The fuck just happened? The sort of sorority that Elliot Rodger probably found hot enough to target for the Day of Retribution has a Queen Bee who's crazy enough to make pledges swim in the shark-infested waters of Paris Landing, then they're standing in water below their knees, then all of a sudden, Shark! End Scene!
- Better idea for a shark movie with a similar premise: A special species of shark has the ability to transform into a beautiful lady. She seduces other women, leads them to the beach where they have sex on the tides, she turns back into a shark, and eats her prey. Meanwhile, a homicide detective and her marine biologist wife try to investigate the killings and eventually get caught up in a car chase after the shark woman ends up sitting next to a shark tank that ends up breaking, turning her back into a shark.
- Why is nothing happening at this carnival?
- The power of Christ Commands you?
- Better Exorcist parody idea: a movie that's basically just this, but done like an episode of Modern Family, like they cut between interviews with the couple and scenes of life under demonic possession:
- An overcast day at a random public park; the perfect time and place to work on your tan. Or have some dude do creepshots of her and scroll through his works while she's just lying there. And he didn't even do any feet shots.
- That barefoot nun's knife looks a bit more realistic this time around, but they evidently compensated by having the stabbing look even faker the second time.
- Then this random girl jumps into the water, turns into a shark, and cue credits.
- Jessica Chastain actually was in this movie?
- And why is there nine more minutes of movie left after the credits run?
- Do we have to see every minute of this girl trying to figure out which of the random identical shark plushies to buy? And why does this merit music that was considered for There Will Be Blood, but didn't cut muster with PTA or Jonny Greenwood?
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.