The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Home Sweet Home Alone. Well, Disney acquired Fox, and we're in an era where it's more profitable to revive an ancient franchise than make anything new. Do you really think they wouldn't reboot Home Alone.

• That realtor seems to be bizarrely blase about the prospect of these people destroying the home they just bought.
  
• Fun fact: Aisling Bea was criticised for taking on a British Accent despite being Irish. She said the controversy was "sort of what Twitter was created for: people to complain about things that don't matter." Of course, my two big gripes with this could be: 1) Why are they even making them British in the first place, especially since I live on the North Shore suburbs of Chicago and real Brits are as rare as hen's teeth, and 2) Seriously, of all the things to complain about with this movie, you latch onto the one thing that's least consequential to why the film's bad? Yes, I know the Irish have a lot of bad blood with the British, but there's so much more to get pissed off at.
  
• You know, as fashionable as it is to correct people about calling Frankenstein's monster "Frankenstein," it's disappointing that nobody ever mentions that the Monster names himself "Adam" in the story.
  
• Fun fact: I found out that in France, the Home Alone movies have a very different title. The first one's title translates to "Mom, I Missed the Plane". The second one, ""Mom, I missed the plane again". Things start to escalate for the third and fourth movies, called "Mom, I take care of the bad guys"  and "Mom, I'm alone against the world". The fifth film goes down a bit, going by the name "Mom, the house is haunted." This one? "Mom, I missed the plane (it's happening again)"
  
• So, are we sure that the upside-down face doll selling for $200,000 on eBay is actually how much the thing's worth?
  
• When will they ever learn? These bell choirs never sound good, and having them sing while waiting for their bells to ring is even worse, since the bells are louder than their voices, and making the "like a lightbulb" jokes makes it even more chaotic.
  
• Huh. The British kid's getting his cross-dressing requirement in early.
  
• Was that shot of Max at the desk with a huge-ass pile of M&Ms a shoutout to Scarface? Let's  just hope he doesn't have a sister come in to alternately fuck and kill him.
  
• I don't think Safari's going to show you the worst of the Internet. You'd need Tor for that.
  
• Wow. They're explaining part of the problem with this movie right in the movie. These reboots are never as good as the originals.
  
• Okay, I explained that that was part of the problem with the movie, but here's the bigger problem: in three of the previous movies, Kevin's going up against a bunch of bandits. The other two movies, we're going up against bigger thieves and/or spies. This time, the "villains" are a married couple who are trying to retrieve an expensive doll (that belongs to them) so they can sell it and not lose their home. This is an amazingly sympathetic motive, but this doesn't mean they're letting up on the torture that Max' traps create. Granted, he thinks they're going to sell him to old ladies, but still.
  
• So, did we accidentally set up that Max doesn't have a cell phone and I missed it? Because if you did, that part of the plot should be sorted quickly.
  
• And they included a link to the original in the worst way possible. While Kevin's not in it, he's apparently hit it big with his home alarm system. His brother Buzz, however, is in the movie (and with his original actor). He's a cop, and apparently, Kevin has a history of prank calling him with a "home alone" call every year. And, unless Kevin's gotten damn good with his voices, evidently his own brother can't tell it isn't him. So, if an actual kid is abandoned on Christmas, he's SOL.
  
• You know, it's been donkeys since I watched the original films, but did Harry and Marv ever have to deal with potentially drowning in a slightly-frozen over pool? That's how a lot of the people who died on the Titanic actually died. They didn't go down with the ship, they had to deal with staying in frigid water and hoping they didn't die of hypothermia before the Californian came to rescue them.
  
• Oh, look, Max is watching our actual heroes discussing their plan. What do you think that he's still latching onto the idea that they're just going to sell him to some grandma?
  
• Yep. He's still going to work under the assumption that they're going to sell him.
  
• So, fun fact: the latest chapter of Joe vs. Elan School dropped today, and somehow, despite focusing more on the hell that was life in Elan than any chapter since Joe graduated, that was somehow still cheerier than this movie. Of course, maybe the fact that it focuses on a girl that Joe actually manages to help rescue from Elan has something to do with it. Joe's finally going Raoul Wallenberg in his quest to take Elan down. It gets you right here.
  
• As someone who actually did injure his coccyx (though I only bruised it), there's no way you should be that mobile after shattering it.
  
• Why milk hot? Given this climate, I'd have to ask "How milk hot?"
  
• Jesus Christ, the violence is shockingly grounded. That billiard ball to the head really has to hurt.
  
• Wow, that Oculus Rift has a Blue John Canyon simulator. Though why you're wearing a Santa suit in this setting is a riddle for the ages.
  
• For fuck's sake, just because you looked up Ellie Kemper's Wikifeet page and didn't like what you see is no reason to devote an entire room to torturing her bare feet.
  
• Also, on that, I can remember looking up "foot fetish" on YouTube and finding that the most-viewed video was Nikki Glaser going to a foot party and the guy they spent the most time on seemed to be into non-consensual hurting of her feet. At least she meets a guy who rubs them. And there's now a more foot-positive video from Playboy at the top (except for one in Spanish), but still. Imagine typing "Gay" into YouTube's search engine and finding that the most viewed video about homosexuality on the site spends the first third balking at why anyone'd want to have gay sex, then the second third includes an interview with a pederast, and the last third mentions "see, they're not all bad" after meeting with a sassy gay friend.
  
• So, they don't even have the fucking upside-down face boy doll? It was in their own home all the time?
  
• Wait, why the fuck did that doll's eyes move all of a sudden?
  
• How did Ollie save the day? He almost ruined the doll?
  
• And how does Max' mum know where he is now that he's actually crashing in Our Heroes' home and not where he was originally staying?
  
• Too young to read The Odyssey? I read it when I was younger than Max is supposed to be. Then again, I was a prodigy who learned to read at 1 1/2 and Wishbone gave me a good reason to want to read it.
  

For the record, I'm not sure what'll be next. Next week is a new month, and odds are, new shitty movies will be removed from and added to streaming services fo me to watch. And, I suspect that, by the time I finally get to pick up this week's bounty of library movies, I might actually get around to watching Hoodwinked, so that might actually be next in the pipeline.

As for good movies, now I’m off to watch my new Blu-ray of Andrei Rublev.