This week in the Deep Hurting Project, The Curse of Pirate Death. It was made by a Troma ripoff called Brain Damage Films.
- Well, that's a good sign from an opening scene: virtually any sound element that could possibly compete with the dialogue does. Plus, they have opening credits in black, often covered by one of the girls' costumes, which is also in black.
- Man, that was a bizarrely subtle neck slap. Plus, he somehow managed to eviscerate a woman when his blade didn't even touch her.
- Pirates in 1906?
- And now the credits are in yellow?
- A photograph of the first female pirate? Dude, Mary Read and Anne Bonny were pirating with Calico Jack Rackham over a century before photography was a thing.
- No, your tits won't help you pass your law classes. This should give you a good idea of how difficult it is:
- So, the pirate's treasure is under a ladder? And we're sure nobody moved that ladder in over a century?
- Apparently, the best time to put your hair into a ponytail is after dark.
- You went to uncover buried treasure and you didn't even bring a shovel?
- The pirates in Muppet Treaure Island were more threatening than Pirate Death in this movie.
- To be absolutely fair, I can imagine that the lecture scene is in an actual Community College classroom.
- Ever seen a woman get lightly pushed and seen that it somehow made her fall to the ground with her tits out?
- And is there a reason Pirate Death's crew expects to be paid an equitable part of the loot? Because, I'm sure that they should have expected the captain to keep an outsized portion of it.
- Okay, I did not expect the teacher to have a tickle fetish. Also, the shadows are obscuring the soles.
- Wait, was the image of that one female pirate supposed to be a photo or a drawing? Because there's a fucking difference, movie.
- Is it too gauche to snark about the fact that Ron Jeremy plays the guy who just groped the Professor?
- This looks more like a desert than a forest.
- Hmm. The blonde girl doesn't seem to wear panties. Nice.
- And how did the brunette get over the wall? Wait, scratch that, does Pirate Death have that little peripheral vision that he can just not notice the two girls crouching in some thin grass?
- She took from his treasure? No, she didn't. She just had a picnic at the site where the treasure's supposed to be buried.
- Wait, so your grandparents' heritage has an immediate impace on your lives?
- Why does Professor Jinkins look exactly like Dr. Kantlove from The Amazing Bulk? Looking it right up, Yup, it is the same guy. And he's apparently an established character actor in Z-grade movies.
- Why does that montage look like someone pissed on the VHS tape? And why is the dialogue so choppy?
- How the fuck did Pirate Death give that little of a shit that the barest effort could uncover it? And was it seriously just 5 doubloons in a small coin purse?
- What kind of Tool ripoff did they get to do the music?
- Apparently, Pirate Death has never seen a swimming pool in his life.
- And from shitty special effects have you been created and to shitty special effects shalt thou return.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.