This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Hansel and Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft. It's yet another David DeCoteau film, this time a ripoff of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. It's also one of the first films to be removed from the project, back when I was just focused on checking out DVDs from my local library (it had been removed from their collection) and circumstances hadn't yet forced the Project to get into streaming.
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- That's not a house made of gingerbread and candy. That's a gazebo.
- Also, witches are female (or at least feminine-adjacent), so they're probably not going to have that deep a voice.
- I was shocked at the fact that Fivel is actually a real name and not one made up by Steven Spielberg and Don Bluth, but then again, apparently he has a sister named Booboo.
- Lebkuchenhaus Academy. So, it's basically Gingerbread Academy.
- So, is this new school the same as their old school? Or did DeCoteau just copy and paste an establishing shot of the old school without caring that it doesn't match this Hacienda-architecture?
- These kids have all this intimate information just easy enough to Google?
- The fact that the boy looks like Ezra Miller is making the remark about his being a real man hilarious.
- Damn, Eric Roberts is short.
- I'll stick with real high schoolers pretending to helm a nature documentary in their schools, like that one deleted scene from the Bratz movie, thank you very much:
- So you had four presidents come here? Is this how Trump managed to win the Republican nomination in 2016? By witchcraft? The sad thing is that makes about as much sense as any other explanation.
- Your mother's side of the family originally came from Europe? Wow, that's totally unique and can't describe literally every other white person in America!
- This scene with the guidance counselor talking about students getting burned out reminds me of that one episode of Daria where Daria's visiting an open house for this prestigious school for the gifted. 91% of their students get accepted to top colleges, and the other 9% found they needed time away from the pressure of things like grades, competition, and dressing and feeding themselves.
- Someone must really have been into Malfatti circles in that dorm.
- Huh. Alchemy was actually good for something all along. Who'd have thunk it? Or is this what the knife's blade is made of?
- How long has this movie been going on, and why did they just go from Lord of the Flies to Lord Jim?
- And somehow, the deep-voiced witch happened to be the guidance counselor all that time. And somehow, this gives the movie yet another Blackadder reference
- And, of course the twins' birth names turn out to be Hansel and Gretel. Of course they do. It's not like the title gave that away.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.