And the Deep Hurting Project is back, at least for a little while. I just decided to give JustWatch a bigger search beyond my usual "check the New to Streaming page every day." I found that two So Bad It's Horrible movies I hadn't covered were currently streaming on Tubi. First was House of the Dead (but it was only available in Canada), and the second is Raiders of the Lost Shark. I decided to do the latter because it's shorter.
- So, are you changing the names because you want to protect the living, or are you legally forced to do so? Oh, so it's just a needlessly long parody on those "all the names have been changed" disclaimers.
- Apparently, that one guard was going to keep the two girls in his car until his partner gave him an in. So, what if he never did?
- First of all, that's an energy drink, not Bubbly. Second, why did you have everything prepared for a day out when you were so professional before?
- Yeah, a random pond on a remote Canadian island in the middle of autumn. Sounds like the perfect time and place for a random swim.
- Blah Blah, the shark is supposed to be massive, but it's swimming in shallow waters without being detected. I really shouldn't expect anything else from these shitty shark movies.
- Who is this teacher and why is she getting flashbacks like they're supposed to mean something?
- Why is the sun so bright? It looks pretty overcast to me.
- I'm currently eating an apple, and I swear that the bite I just took would have sounded more intimidating than the sound they chose for the shark's bites.
- You know what, maybe it would have been better if the scenes with the two guards on the island covered the flashbacks the teacher had?
- Anybody got a microbus? You'd probably need an old hippie for that.
- Incredible how that guard already had a bikini ready underneath her clothes.
- Wait, they left a fake arm in the water? Why? And how did they even have that available?
- You gotta love it that the Canadian police captain is more interested in LARPing as a Southern sheriff (who seems to be played by Kevin Spacey) than doing his job.
- I don't know what's more preposterous, that this megalodon can swim undetected in such shallow waters, or that the fact that it's a megalodon got this woman interested in hunting the shark.
- At least this old sea dog looks more like a real old sea dog than the one from Jurassic Shark 2.
- It was a shark that took my hand. Oh, wait, there it is. No, it's not my hand, even if it moves too naturally for it to be a fake.
- The highest rated beach in Ontario is on something called "The Forbidden Island"?
- My god, they're not even trying to make the shark look like it exists in the same universe as the humans, are they?
- Huh. The French (or is that Quebequois) guy apparently wanted his woman to get eaten by a shark. Maybe that's what happened to Jean-Francois Gariepy's wife.
- So, I just freeze-framed the cops' uniform and found they apparently work for the Munster Police Department. Munster is a village that's been part of Ottawa since 2001. Why the fuck do they have jurisdiction over this island/peninsula?
- And it's taken over halfway through the movie for anyone to notice that, even without the threat of a shark, maybe an overcast day in the middle of autumn isn't the time to have a swim.
- I'm at 1% body fat. I'm just waiting for my organs to fail.
- Flying shark? Flying fucking shark?
- What the Hell is with the background of this news report? What is this Tyler Durden, "All-Singing, All-Dancing Crap of the World", frame shaking thing even doing?
- Captain! Captain! CAPTAIN! Who's piloting the fucking boat?
- God, they could have made it a Hell of a lot clearer that they were in contact with their professor. For a minute there, I thought they were just hallucinating her.
- Did this woman just prioritise getting a tan at this "beach" over getting the sample she needed?
- The Sheriff didn't even have his pants on?
- We got ourselves a land shark:
- Why the fuck is there an old phone in the middle of a forest preserve?
- So, the shark was just a fucking genetic modification experiment? Okay, Dr. Graham Linehan.
- Does the Sheriff not know he's in Canada and not the US?
- The one responsible for all this? Isn't she supposed to be a survivor of a shark attack?
- Wait, she owns the island? Why is the legal status of this island so confusing?
- At this point, my headcanon is that the Sheriff has the same sleep disorder I have.
- You know, I'd balk at the idea of a 30-foot boat with a jacuzzi, but then again, I just found out that somebody's currently running cruises down the Chicago River on boats that are just glorified hot tubs that can move down the river. And, yes, when I said "currently," I mean even now, when it's just above freezing here.
- Brad, Janet, Goddammit!
- Fucking Hell, the shark looks even worse as a practical effect than as CGI.
- Huh. Getting shot caused that shark to explode, and pour an entire can of cranberry sauce on the deputy.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.