(September 19, 2016 at 9:26 am)Esquilax Wrote: I'm unwell, but when you've spent as long as I have not allowing yourself to have goals beyond the immediate so as not to be a bother to anyone, your mental state ceases to matter to you. You're not healthy or unhealthy, you just are, and that can't be changed because you're not a person who changes. You're barely a person at all. It's like going through life without a sense of touch: if you can't even perceive the world changing when you interact with it, at what point do you give up trying?
And then I get told that I should be doing this for myself, not because others want me to. Like I'm going to suddenly see the value in doing that if I'm just told to enough.
Look I know our situation(s) and life experience(s) are completely unique and completely different and I know I'm on hiatus and not supposed to be posting on AF at all (nevermind jumping in now so impudently!) but this text of yours I've quoted could literally be me talking. I'm not gonna say "I know how you feel" but I will say that I know what it feels like to have those thoughts because that could very easily be my mind saying those things word for word verbatim (I just can't punctuate or grammatize as well as you can).
I won't dismiss you. But I will break my hiatus to tell you this just because it made me feel a little less alone which is a very rare thing and perhaps that means something to you... I don't know, I guess at least this post was probably a surprise to you? I hope it's not a bad surprise. What have I got to lose? What have you got to lose? I doubt I've made anything any worse for you. It's very easy to tell you that "I care" -- And obviously I hope you feel better soon but I don't want to hit you with platitudes-- but I do care... so I'll leave it at that.
I'm not supposed to really be posting on AF but just so you know if you ever want to Skype me at any point when I'm online I'm available... really.
Apologies to everyone if breaking my hiatus to post this bothers anyone at all. It feels like it goes against my instincts by my instincts are so often wrong I just wanted to listen to my heart instead of my gut.
At the very least I hope this wasn't too awkward, Esq.