IF you deconverted in midlife, can you help?

[Dragonfly]

I repented, believed (you left that ingredient out), and was baptized in the name of Jesus Christ in the past.

I highly doubt that, you stated you used to be an Evangelical, who do not baptize in the 'name' of Jesus Christ, but baptize in the 'titles' of father, son, and holy spirit.

I was expecting your doubt, and you didn't disappoint. 

My baptism was as a teenager, and I'm 50 now, so forgive me if I left out the baptism by the goat-fucking Father and his Bastard son along with the Smeg-slut Holy Spirit. I did get the 3-in-1 deal. It was an independent fundamentalist Baptist church. I spent grade 1-3 at an evangelical Baptist school, went to public school for 4-6, and back to the Baptist school for grade 7-12. Did the whole door-to-door witnessing thing, too. After high school, I went on to graduate from a well-known Christian college in Florida and then married a grad from a well-known Christian college in South Carolina. I was a faithful follower for many years. 

I understand what you're experiencing right now. You have to cling to that fallacy because this threatens everything you've believed in.

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Ha, I noticed that subtlety as well. Anyway I'm not sure if you saw this on the other thread you started but you might benefit from the app "Meetup" its on the computer too. You can find groups of atheists, humanists, skeptics on there and meet them in real life at events. I thought that might be a good way to adapt to all this. I am actually trying to get into it right now in California though, and there are a decent amount of events here at least.

I use Meetup and am in a SoCal group of skeptics. The people there have been incredibly kind, patient, and helpful. I am waiting for the local Humanistic group to have an event.

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Well, Dragonfly, I was raised Jewish, so I never had preconceived notions of an afterlife, really. Hell doesn't really exist for Jews. However, I did have hopes that all my loved ones would go to heaven for a long time. Grappling with the afterlife is very difficult. It all stems from biological survival instincts and more subtly, the memory of loved ones living on somewhere. Hell, on the other hand, is a malicious lie. I don't know where to begin to remove that from your thoughts but I am postive it will go away in time, and if you have a secular therapist to help you it will happen much faster, I guarantee that. I have had my fair share of post-theistic depression and existential crisis, and it all goes away eventually. Just keep asking those questions, further cement the truth into your brain, and sooner or later you view all this religious nonsense as nothing more than a fairytale. Do you remember when you discovered Santa Claus wasn't real? For a child, that is pretty heart-breaking, it was for me when I found the magical toothfairy wasn't real either. I know God is much grander than Santa Claus, but you aren't still caught up on Santa now, are you? That is pretty much exactly how I view God now, grand or not, and I feel much better for it. Just for emphasis, you WILL get over this in time, you just need to get through this choppy few months and it will start to stabilize. Don't stop expanding your horizons and broadening your mind, and rationality will take over any emotional response you have in the moment.

I have a lot of respect for Judaism and other Jews, and I do feel guilt for losing my faith, like I've let the Jewish people down as well as reinforced negative stereotypes of converts to Judaism. 

What's weird is that, as I've been losing my faith, the teachings of BOTH Christianity and Judaism have been surfacing. It's like my mind is trying to hang onto what's left of them.

I don't remember if I ever thought Santa was real (my mom was adamant that Christmas was about jesus, not santa), but the Tooth Fairy was wonderful. I don't remember when I learned the Tooth Fairy wasn't real, but I imagine I was disappointed. (She used to leave me great notes)

Thank you for your post. I'm very encouraged by people here who say that it's only a matter of time til I'm free.