I've never lived my life with uncertainty like this before. I was conditioned to believe that there was always this someone out there, who knew everything, who was always watching me, who knew the future and had a plan for me. I was abused by a cult to hold every thought accountable because this being who knew what was best for me had access to my thoughts, to the point where 80% of the personal prayers I gave were said inside my head.
And now, suddenly, after 32 years, I'm alone. There's nothing. I have no one to go to check my decisions and information. I have to trust me. Not only that...but it has always been this way. The only thing that has actually changed is my perception. So, yes, it is scary and painful.
Because religion stole from me this connection with myself. All this time, "the spirit" I felt and confided in was me, yet I don't recognize it.
Sorry to be a downer. I'm just realizing the real emotions and thoughts behind my making this thread. It probably should have stayed as a journal.
And now, suddenly, after 32 years, I'm alone. There's nothing. I have no one to go to check my decisions and information. I have to trust me. Not only that...but it has always been this way. The only thing that has actually changed is my perception. So, yes, it is scary and painful.
Because religion stole from me this connection with myself. All this time, "the spirit" I felt and confided in was me, yet I don't recognize it.
Sorry to be a downer. I'm just realizing the real emotions and thoughts behind my making this thread. It probably should have stayed as a journal.
