Open to explore possibility

[R00tKiT]

One thing that is still a bit scary to me as a fairy new atheist, is accepting "I don't know" and leaving myself open to new arguments, new evidence, etc. 

I don't think anyone accepts that, not even those who call themselves atheists. Not knowing also entails not being biased against any religion, which is never the case, as any thread about God in this forum will reveal to you. I know that most people will disagree with me on this, but I think that, scientific questions notwithstanding, one in general lives a happier life by assuming a wrong/deluded answer than accept not knowing. If the goal is to maximize happiness, then everyone should indoctrinate themselves into an eternal afterlife, they won't know anyway if nothing happens, so, they will never be deceived. And that's just one possible variation of the well known Pascal's wager.

It's fine to die not knowing what dark matter will turn out to be, people lived and died thinking our planet is at the center of the Solar system -much worse than the former. For nonscientific matters, one in general lives a more exciting life accepting some wrong worldview, then one day waking up "to the truth", with the powerful feelings of shock and awe taking them to the next (maybe wrong) answer.

Anecdotally, many advances in natural sciences happened because we tried a lot of wrong stuff, trying already entails not accepting the inertia of not knowing.

I think as a Christian, I was lazy about my religion and took a lot of things for granted. I didn't push or dig, or experiment,

There is not much to look for when it comes to Christianity in its trinitarian form, the concept of God is logically contradictory. That's it. You cannot make 3 equal to 1. The entire "god dying then resurrecting himself to save humanity" storyline is just clumsy. If Islam didn't exist, I would consider the Jewish concept of god much more compelling,

So, for about 30 years of my life, I've been operating on this system of accepting "this is the truth about the world and existence" and moving on with my day. In some ways, I'm still trying to get there, to find something solid to accept so that I can move on with my day and not think about it. But that's not the way I want to live. I don't want to feel secure in something and ever get the rug swept out from under me ever again, simply because I was ignorant or wasn't paying close enough attention.

At the same time you cannot be insecure about everything. One must hold on to something, after all. Besides, as I explained before, it's the feeling of getting the rug swept out from under you that will push you forward.

Have you guys also struggled with "I don't know"? Was it ever scary or painful to reach that place? I recognize it's still new for me and the likelihood that healing from religious trauma will eventually happen.

John von Neumann, a mathematician and polymath, one the brightest scientists to ever live, reportedly said, shortly before his death, "So long as there is the possibility of eternal damnation for nonbelievers it is more logical to be a believer at the end". I am not trying to argue from authority, but if you encounter someone here claiming they have some argument that will break you out of the existential anguish you're describing, you really should be skeptical.