Our server costs ~$56 per month to run. Please consider donating or becoming a Patron to help keep the site running. Help us gain new members by following us on Twitter and liking our page on Facebook!
Current time: March 28, 2024, 9:47 am

Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
John Cleese-at his best.
#1
John Cleese-at his best.
THREAT ALERTS IN EUROPE (2012): BY JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
A final thought: Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Kichi: There is one more level for Australia....
"You made us Cancel the Barbie- and force us to release the Drop Bears!"
"The Universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements: energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest." G'Kar-B5
Reply
#2
RE: John Cleese-at his best.
Brilliant! And oddly enough, I read the whole thing 'hearing' his voice XD

My favorite Cleese moment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UFNCrxWI2M
When I was young, there was a god with infinite power protecting me. Is there anyone else who felt that way? And was sure about it? but the first time I fell in love, I was thrown down - or maybe I broke free - and I bade farewell to God and became human. Now I don't have God's protection, and I walk on the ground without wings, but I don't regret this hardship. I want to live as a person. -Arina Tanemura

Reply
#3
RE: John Cleese-at his best.
This one had my daughter in stitches when she first saw it...




"The Universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements: energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest." G'Kar-B5
Reply
#4
RE: John Cleese-at his best.
It's a classic Smile
When I was young, there was a god with infinite power protecting me. Is there anyone else who felt that way? And was sure about it? but the first time I fell in love, I was thrown down - or maybe I broke free - and I bade farewell to God and became human. Now I don't have God's protection, and I walk on the ground without wings, but I don't regret this hardship. I want to live as a person. -Arina Tanemura

Reply
#5
RE: John Cleese-at his best.
I think the dead parrot has to be my favorite Monty Python sketch.
Christian apologetics is the art of rolling a dog turd in sugar and selling it as a donut.
Reply
#6
RE: John Cleese-at his best.
Kishi,sorry to piss in your porridge; I posted that on another forum and got this response:



http://www.nlpconnections.com/chill-out-...tatus.html


Perhaps Cleese pinched it.Angel Cloud
Reply
#7
RE: John Cleese-at his best.
(May 24, 2012 at 12:48 am)padraic Wrote: Kishi,sorry to piss in your porridge; I posted that on another forum and got this response:



http://www.nlpconnections.com/chill-out-...tatus.html


Perhaps Cleese pinched it.Angel Cloud

Why should I be upset padraic?? The post I stole was credited to John Cleese (and quite frankly I could see him doing some thing like this) I am thinking that it was stolen and Cleese's name was put to it..... meh

Reality is I don't care and all kudos to nlpconnections and John Humberstone (2007). Either way it is pretty good!! Big Grin
"The Universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements: energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest." G'Kar-B5
Reply
#8
RE: John Cleese-at his best.
Thanks Kichi - Wonderful post and if nothing else filled me with nostalgia and a reminder of how brilliant JC and the python boys were in their day and the legends they are now.Worship (large)
Reply
#9
RE: John Cleese-at his best.
Quote:Why should I be upset Padraic??

It's OK, I was just being polite; I'm not the least bit sorry. Big Grin
Reply
#10
RE: John Cleese-at his best.
(May 24, 2012 at 7:18 pm)padraic Wrote:
Quote:Why should I be upset Padraic??

It's OK, I was just being polite; I'm not the least bit sorry. Big Grin

Yeah, I thought so, and I don't care either so this is equitable?? Tongue
"The Universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements: energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest." G'Kar-B5
Reply



Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  He Invested his life in a pig farm. Brian37 9 1188 December 28, 2019 at 11:01 pm
Last Post: Brian37
  "Stay Away From atheistforums.org" feat. LastPoet and his gang of jerkoffs Tiberius 185 28594 January 24, 2018 at 5:24 am
Last Post: Athene
  45's history of throwing his own under the bus Brian37 0 453 December 11, 2017 at 1:53 pm
Last Post: Brian37
  The True Tale of How Jesus Christ Got His Name Edwardo Piet 9 1194 October 15, 2017 at 5:08 pm
Last Post: Brian37
  John Cleese is at it again Fake Messiah 0 444 July 29, 2016 at 3:11 am
Last Post: Fake Messiah
  Secret Photos unveil Where Donald Trump Grows His Hair zebo-the-fat 1 955 June 27, 2016 at 4:22 am
Last Post: Fake Messiah
  Trump tried to write his own Jefferson Bible Brian37 8 2572 March 20, 2016 at 2:07 pm
Last Post: Brian37
  Dawkins Reads His Hate Mail Edwardo Piet 25 2605 October 28, 2015 at 5:35 pm
Last Post: Heat
  John Oliver on Fake Quotes Minimalist 6 3167 October 20, 2015 at 10:30 am
Last Post: Cyberman
  How God proves his existence to Christians Ryantology 6 2006 June 22, 2013 at 5:18 pm
Last Post: viocjit



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)