No more Mr Nice Stimbo?

[Cyberman]

Hi guys. I just want to pick your collective brains about a subject most on my mind at the moment, although I've a feeling I already know what the consensus is going to be before I start. Some of you may have noticed that I haven't been online for several days. Well, that's because I'm having something of an emotional crisis at the moment. I won't bore you with all the unpleasant details, but suffice it to say I am seriously in need of some female companionship to the point where I can't even sleep properly because of it. That plus conflicting and confusing signals I've been getting, or thought I had, from a certain someone in my life. I've even been told by some of my friends that I'm just too nice, that I latch onto people too readily and thus get hurt all too easily. I'm never going to enter into another relationship; not only have I already had my time with my soulmate, the true love of my life, if I was to try it again with someone else I know I'd constantly be comparing it with, and lamenting, what I've had taken from me. And that just wouldn't be fair on the other person, let alone me.

Anyway, working on the principle that bad boys have all the fun and get the girls, "therefore since I cannot prove a lover" should I be "determined to prove a villain"? That is, should I re-invent myself as a kind of drinkin', cussin', bad-ass wideboy type, of the kind that always seem to come out on top, or am I somehow missing some virtue in simply being me? Or maybe there's some alternative options I'm not seeing?

[Faith No More]

Sorry for such a short answer, but I don't have time to go in depth.

Be who you are, not who you think will find you a woman.

[Napoléon]

I concur, I'm an asshole and it doesn't really do me any favours.

[Cyberman]

Thank you for your answers and no need to apologise. I get what you're saying, though maybe I didn't express myself as clearly as I should have done. It's hard to put into words the scale of how I feel, at least without it coming out as trite and shallow, but for me it's not just about finding a woman per se. It's the whole bit, really, when I just need a hug. I did close on twenty years before hitting the jackpot with my Sam, so really I ought to be used to being on the outside looking in.

[John V]

Anyway, working on the principle that bad boys have all the fun and get the girls, "therefore since I cannot prove a lover" should I be "determined to prove a villain"? That is, should I re-invent myself as a kind of drinkin', cussin', bad-ass wideboy type, of the kind that always seem to come out on top, or am I somehow missing some virtue in simply being me? Or maybe there's some alternative options I'm not seeing?

Regarding women, what's so great about coming out on top? On bottom and behind are as good or better. Let the bad boys come out on top if they want - shows lack of imagination.

And if you want more women but don't feel like changing yourself, just lower your standards. They all look the same in the dark ya know. That's why Edison invented the off switch. Mrs. E wasn't so hot.

[Cinjin]

Every relationship is unique. Some are better than others. Some are sexual and volatile. Others are full of romance and sappy cliches.
I wouldn't go about trying to change, just let whatever change happen of it's own volition.


Instead of saying, "I'm going to change into a bad ass, hard core mother fucker," say, "I'm going to start considering different responses than I usually give," or "I think I'll start reconsidering my position on the events and incidents that take place in my life." Maybe you'll naturally find a new happy medium that gives you a new perspective without forcing some Mr. Hyde personality that isn't even real.


Oh and trust me, "tough guys and bad asses" are often in more pain than the typical "nice guys."

[Cyberman]

Thank you for your replies. More food for thought - and a bit of gristle. I was dithering about submitting this thread as I knew I'd be putting myself on the line, that's just the nature of the beast. I really will be considering most of the advice here. I'll just add that the traumas and pressures of past nearly-three-years have calloused me as it is. I'm definitely much more cynical than I ever was. Given a choice between the glass being half empty or half full, my view would be "am I only worth a glass that small?"

[salty]

Stimbo, I think you are really brave for putting yourself out like that and as you can see there are many of us that respect that. I think it's the same in relationships, when you can be transparent about what you're feeling, what you're thinking and what your intentions are, people, good people, tend to really respect that. I would rather see you respected and looking for a great companion, than disrespected and hanging out with a lower kind of person, just to get some comfort. Also, people that fall for the "bad boy" types, in my opinion, don't understand just how valuable and wonderful they are. Nice guys have always been the best! I don't know if this helps, but when I'm lonely, I try to get involved with something(hiking club or something active like that) so I don't keep thinking about being lonely and usually I come out with at least a few friends! Hope things go well for you.

[Violet]

... I like nice guys, and couldn't care less about 'bad boys'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RAQXg0IdfI

But I do swoon a little for 'bad girls' If you find yourself attracted to Faith from BuffyTVS: you've got a problem.

[Cyberman]

Thanks salty, I really appreciate that. I know that people of my experience do respect me, for the most part anyway. It's that respect that often finds me taken for granted and has locked me permanently in the friend zone - a bit like the Twilight Zone but without the ironic twist ending. I'm not in the market (as it were) for Miss Right, especially after being spoiled with Miss Absolutely Perfect. I'll settle for Miss Good-Enough-For-Now; some simple warm human contact with soft personnel. One of my most abiding memories and one of the things I pine for is gazing deep into my Princess's eyes and seeing my reflection in them, as though seeing myself through her eyes the way she saw me. You can't get much closer to someone than that.

Not sure if the active angle is something I'd consider myself; I get far too distracted, far too easily.

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Oh, and thank you too Lilly. I didn't ignore you, you just posted while I was still typing.