Creed's Ramble Thread

[Creed of Heresy]

Something

Learn to use hide-tags.

[popeyespappy]

[Creed of Heresy]

<3 the Zeppelin

[John V]

@Creed: I know you hate me and you won't take this well, but still I have to say it: you have to quit the booze and drugs.

[Captain Colostomy]

@Creed: I know you hate me and you won't take this well, but still I have to say it: you have to quit the booze and drugs.

And you should start...it would help break the straglehold religion has on you.

I could say more, but I hate appearing like a judgmental asshole.

[John V]

And you should start...it would help break the straglehold religion has on you.

I've had enough for several lifetimes.

I could say more, but I hate appearing like a judgmental asshole.

Seriously just trying to help. I've been there.

[Gilgamesh]

See, anyone who has seen how I look will describe me as a "goth" looking kind of guy.

First time I saw you, I said I thought you looked like Sephiroth. You look like Sephiroth.

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[Violet]

Look, I didn't read your entire facebook post, and I usually don't... but if you genuinely are not happy with your shitball of a life, and you seriously want to turn shit around? You have two options: do what you already do, and continue to be fucking miserable and to feel worthless... Or CHANGE WHAT YOU DO, as it is the only way that your shitty life IS EVER going to get BETTER

I don't know what you do with all of your time, but here's some things I do know you do that you CAN change, I'll make a bullet list.
*Spending your money on alcohol and other psychoactive drugs.
*Spending time laying about your home, playing video games.
*Spending your energy online arguing with people unworthy of the time it is taking up.
*Spending your energy online writing essays about how shitty your life is.
*Spending your thoughts on how goddamn worthless you are. Do you think there is a single fucking thing to gain from that exercise? If you stop but one fucking thing, STOP THIS. You are not a worthless sack of filthy human flesh better served for chopped liver than its thoughts, you are my friend. There is *nothing* to gain from self-depreciating yourself. STOP THIS.
*Stop volunteering at the crisis center... sure, maybe you feel better about yourself for helping people through it, but (from an outside perspective): IT'S GETTING TO YOU.


(Random image to break up the post. Easier reads, yo)

If there's one goddamn thing you happen to have in abundance? It's *TIME*. Use your time better. I have suggestions for *beneficial* avenues which you totally have time for. It's your time, use it how you please... but again: if you want your life to turn around from where it is? These might well help.

*Get a job. Already have one? Get a second one. It's hard to do, and it takes a lot of time, and energy, and resilience. I know you can do this, the key is: you have to know you can do this.
*Take your volunteering efforts to soup kitchens. Bigger general audience, less emotions, and probably more satisfying. You can even get to know some people because if they've got to go to the soup kitchen (or other such) once... they're probably going to need it for a while.
*You might quite possibly need to move, from what I hear: your life wasn't as bad until you got to where you are. Go back to where you were before hand (where you were happier), I will happily pay your travel fees if you will be able to get a job there. I'm serious, you absolutely *HATE* it where you live, it drips from every post you make on the subject. Me, I strongly dislike many elements of Alaska, whereas I like it here. Where you are can make for massive changes in how you feel If moving back there is not an option, here does remain an option. Keep it in mind, i'm 40 minutes away from one of the biggest cities in the usa (dallas), and this is a fairly accepting college town (so getting a job here should be 'easier', esp with your experience).



You're worth a bit to me, Creed. You're the only person who can stop this cycle of self-depreciating guilt and binging. So... good luck Change never is easy....

[Creed of Heresy]

@Creed: I know you hate me and you won't take this well, but still I have to say it: you have to quit the booze and drugs.

I'm not really on any drugs. And I only drink when the depression hits me particularly hard.

I should probably clear this up with people. My depression is not at its worst when I am ranting and screaming as you guys tend to see from time to time. It's at its worst when it sinks beneath that I lose every single last bit of connection to anything and everything. Everything becomes completely muted, dull, devoid of purpose, meaning, or satisfaction. Yeah, even sex. Even sleep itself. I will lay in my bed for hours at a time, just staring at the ceiling. My body tells me I'm tired, my mind just doesn't care. This is worse than feeling suicidal. It's feeling like even the effort needed to put a knife through my heart isn't worth the effort. Living or dying itself has no bearing when I get like that.

So, in the times I feel myself sinking into that, before I can sink in too far to become unresponsive to all emotional connection to the world around me, I drink. It sends me into a hysterical depression, but...pain is still so much better than having nothing at all. Like life itself; even if it keeps hurting, it's better to have it hurt, than to not have it at all.

You might see now why I so abjectly loathe you for saying what you did. This isn't something I can control, and believe me. BELIEVE me. I've spent MANY years trying, and instead of improving, it has gotten worse, despite my efforts. It is only recently (starting about two years ago) I have become this absolutely, utterly despondent. It is only recently I have felt the numbness become so absolutely all-consuming so often. Worse, it's always lingering. There is always this muting to everything around me. Everything I feel or think? At best, it's like hearing someone through a closed, cheap door. At its worst, it's like trying to hear someone with earplugs in your ears.

Weed, if that is what you refer to as the drug, is...well, for one thing, it's not even close to the worst thing I've touched, and honestly, it's a much, much better alternative than booze is, but it's harder to find, and more expensive per usage, so I don't do it much. At least not right now. It doesn't have any real negative effects. When I smoke up, I can sleep, no matter my state of mind, no matter the insomnia I may be going through at the time, even where prescription narcotics fail entirely. It inspires me to write creatively. I become light-hearted, out-going, relaxed, even outright happy. I delight in everything. And when the main effects wear off, for a few days afterwards I'm still feeling much better. And when that goes away, I just return to how I was before. No better, no worse. Just...back to normal. If you can call me "normal" without any irony or sarcasm in your words, at any rate...

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First time I saw you, I said I thought you looked like Sephiroth. You look like Sephiroth.

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Given that virtually every woman who has seen Sephiroth says he is the hottest thing ever, I am going to take that as a MASSIVE compliment.

[Creed of Heresy]

Well there's quite a bit here, so I'll address it bit by bit, though this post is gonna get ridiculously tl;dr now...

Look, I didn't read your entire facebook post, and I usually don't... but if you genuinely are not happy with your shitball of a life, and you seriously want to turn shit around? You have two options: do what you already do, and continue to be fucking miserable and to feel worthless... Or CHANGE WHAT YOU DO, as it is the only way that your shitty life IS EVER going to get BETTER

Can't say as I blame ya, I don't generally expect people to fully read what I say, anyways. As I pointed out above, I have been for many years trying desperately to change my life. I can't expect people to believe how shitty my luck has been. I'm like a statistical anomaly. "Keep trying, you'll get it right" just doesn't seem to work for me. Maybe I'm doing something wrong when I try, or maybe I'm not trying hard enough but if putting all my effort into something, and having the support of my friends and their input as well to do it is still not working, I dunno how much more I can give. And as I've pointed out before, nowadays I just can't connect with anything very much. I don't know if it's the bipolar thing getting worse, I don't know if it's the untreated PTSD (currently in therapy for both), or if I'm just finally feeling like it's time to give up, like I've tried hard enough and can finally just say that at least for a long time, I went 100% on everything.

Time was, I was highly capable. I was actually fairly charismatic and outgoing. My appearance, interests, and habits didn't stop me from being able to make people enjoy my company. I always spoke first, I always hung out with people. We would all do things, people would come to me for help and advice, and in turn they gave it when I needed it.

But things kept going wrong. There would be that one person who would stab me in the back, start all kinds of shit, and turn others against me. Status, good lucks, and/or excellent manipulative skills. That's all it takes to convince others that a lie is the truth. I learned quickly who my true friends were. But they weren't many. And even then, some of THEM turned out to be fake fucking parasites, too, using my sudden vulnerability and self-consciousness to use me to their own advantages without giving anything back when I needed them to.

I worked hard. I got my first job at 17, and I stayed at that job until I was nearly 19, and continued right into another job in the same field at higher pay and responsibility for another two years. My employers loved me, I got raises whenever my performance reviews came up, and they were always glowing reviews. I was promoted within months of my second job. Then I moved. I started into another job, less responsibility, less pay, but with potential for better in both. The manager for that job, a customer service position at Safeway [grocery store chain on the east coast], hand-picked me for that position [I was going to be a cashier] because during the interview he found he liked my ambition, personality, and demeanor so much that he wanted me for that job, specifically because that position was where they basically started people on their way to becoming front-end managers and from there managers of larger departments. Typically, cashiers just stayed where they were, there was no real room for growth.

But the situation at home was fucking atrocious. Despite my eagerness to the job, and despite my desire to pursue it, and try to tough out the situation, I simply couldn't. Financially and otherwise, the situation was too much. I had to leave both that place and my job. I ended up completely defeated. I finally had nowhere to go. I had to move in with my foster mother. An admission of defeat...that no matter how hard I tried...I was no longer able to take care of myself.

Six months living there was six months too long. On top of the feeling of utter defeat, my foster mother is a psycho. She's nice, yes...but she, too, has bipolar disorder of the rapid cycling variety, and dysphoria on top of that, diagnosed for both, either unwilling or unable to seek treatment, I don't know. She was a single mother who I get along with great and consider her for all intents and purposes to be my actual sister, regardless of difference of genetics] with a daughter [who I get along with great and consider her for all intents and purposes to be my actual sister, regardless of difference of genetics] in high school, with a stressful job that barely managed to help her make ends meet. This was during the peak of the economic recession. My bipolar issues, something I could at least wrestle into submission or disregard or hide were steadily progressing, and had been, even before this. This set them off even worse. My foster mother was always screaming, shrieking, at the most minor of travesties. Leave a plate in the sink, she'd start going berserk. Talk to friends over Xbox Live after she went to sleep [I was in the basement Wiki: and she was upstairs...I THOUGHT the floors were just really thin or something, but...], she would start screaming at me [thus also waking Holly, her daughter, up in the process]. Even if I was sleeping, or trying to sleep, she would somehow think I was talking to people and would wake me up to scream at me about talking to people online...when I was in my damn bed. I couldn't find work. The economy was bust and nobody was hiring. I got a minimum wage job that lasted for two months before constant grind (and snide, clearly-miserable-with-her-job-and-life manager) of doing grueling physical work for shit pay left me abandoning the job entirely after a verbal argument with said manager.

I don't wanna go into details but long story short there came a fight six months later wherein we got physically aggressive and I decided I had to leave. Regardless of a lack of plan for what I was going to do when I got there, I called my best friend, who had moved up to Wisconsin [former room-mate as well] when the previous living conditions had gone bust [I had stayed only because my plans at that time still were set to go to college in the area we were living in to attend culinary arts school which is why I had moved there to begin with...but this situation was unlivable and I had to abandon all my plans for this]. I abandoned pretty much all but my most personal possessions and whatever clothing I could stuff into a suitcase, and left two weeks later on a plane.

That's how I got where I am now.

I don't know what you do with all of your time, but here's some things I do know you do that you CAN change, I'll make a bullet list.
*Spending your money on alcohol and other psychoactive drugs.
*Spending time laying about your home, playing video games.
*Spending your energy online arguing with people unworthy of the time it is taking up.
*Spending your energy online writing essays about how shitty your life is.

I find it amusing that people think I spent my money this time on booze and that I drop tons of cash on weed. I haven't smoked up in three months now, and the most recent purchase of booze was with a gift card a friend gave me for a liquor store, which he owed me anyway for a party I'd helped supply him with about six months back when I actually had some money.

In between volunteering sessions, there is not much for me to do. I have posted my resume on careerbuilder, monster, and JobsInMadison, and also on Craigslist. I have been sending out applications to any jobs that open up that I locate. My last position ended like two or three months ago.

As for writing...that's my outlet. It's always been the best outlet I have. The best way to vent, because it sure as hell isn't a good idea for me to actually verbalize these thoughts. It comes out less about how I feel, more about trying to get everyone away from me.

*Spending your thoughts on how goddamn worthless you are. Do you think there is a single fucking thing to gain from that exercise? If you stop but one fucking thing, STOP THIS. You are not a worthless sack of filthy human flesh better served for chopped liver than its thoughts, you are my friend. There is *nothing* to gain from self-depreciating yourself. STOP THIS.
*Stop volunteering at the crisis center... sure, maybe you feel better about yourself for helping people through it, but (from an outside perspective): IT'S GETTING TO YOU.

They are not thoughts I wish to think. I try to push them down. Ignore them. Sometimes I speak to people about them. They always help. It always brings me up a bit. But then, it just bottoms out again.

Not so bad lately. The meds, the therapy, the friends...it's helping. It's not much, but it's something. A little closer to who I was. Far as the volunteering thing goes, it hasn't been that rough, lately. Far fewer victims coming in. Getting the chance to work more extensively with the victims, seeing better results.

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(Random image to break up the post. Easier reads, yo)

If there's one goddamn thing you happen to have in abundance? It's *TIME*. Use your time better. I have suggestions for *beneficial* avenues which you totally have time for. It's your time, use it how you please... but again: if you want your life to turn around from where it is? These might well help.

*Get a job. Already have one? Get a second one. It's hard to do, and it takes a lot of time, and energy, and resilience. I know you can do this, the key is: you have to know you can do this.

As I said before. I've been looking for work extensively. Not very easy to do around here. This state is well known for having been completely fucked up and ruined job-market wise thanks to our retarded tea-party governor who took this state from like 2nd in the nation for job creation to 48th in only three years. What a fucking colossal fuck-up...

*Take your volunteering efforts to soup kitchens. Bigger general audience, less emotions, and probably more satisfying. You can even get to know some people because if they've got to go to the soup kitchen (or other such) once... they're probably going to need it for a while.

Actually. I do volunteer at the Madison Soup Kitchen every week whenever they need volunteers to come in, as long as I'm feeling up to it.

*You might quite possibly need to move, from what I hear: your life wasn't as bad until you got to where you are. Go back to where you were before hand (where you were happier), I will happily pay your travel fees if you will be able to get a job there. I'm serious, you absolutely *HATE* it where you live, it drips from every post you make on the subject. Me, I strongly dislike many elements of Alaska, whereas I like it here. Where you are can make for massive changes in how you feel If moving back there is not an option, here does remain an option. Keep it in mind, i'm 40 minutes away from one of the biggest cities in the usa (dallas), and this is a fairly accepting college town (so getting a job here should be 'easier', esp with your experience).

Well, as I said above. My life was even shittier where I was three years back. It only became a problem about a year ago when Danny the Schizo moved in. Problem is if I moved away, it would leave my best friend alone with a lunatic and I suspect I am an intimidating enough presence [from his reactions] to keep him line these days ever since I bitched him out. Leaving her alone with him...is not an option I can even consider.

Still, I have an idea in mind for what I will do. Once I get some money together, me and Ileah are going to transfer our lease to a two-bedroom in the same apartment area so we don't have to worry about a room-mate, because, frankly, I am sick of room-mates who turn out to be shit.

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You're worth a bit to me, Creed. You're the only person who can stop this cycle of self-depreciating guilt and binging. So... good luck Change never is easy....

Thanks Vae. :3 But also, yeah, you don't say. XD