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Current time: March 29, 2024, 8:36 am

Poll: Regarding OP
This poll is closed.
I know exactly how you feel.
42.86%
9 42.86%
I think only a piece of shit admits these sort of things.
4.76%
1 4.76%
Its complicated.
52.38%
11 52.38%
Total 21 vote(s) 100%
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Men Women Sex and Temptation
#11
RE: Men Women Sex and Temptation
When I walked out of the kitchen five years ago and found my partner of five years frantically closing the windows he had open on Ashleymadison.com, it permanently changed the life I thought I had known. Looking back, ashleymadison was just a symptom of a much larger problem: our relationship was dead.

There are so many things that cause people to stray... just being human is one. We are essentially just animals, after all. The thing is, though, being human comes with reasoning skills. I'm not telling you not to cheat (I do think not cheating is in your best interest, and your kid's), but, like Zen asked, think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

If things seem exciting now with this other chick, think about how exciting they'll be when your wife finds out. Is it worth it? Maybe instead of straying, have a convo with your wife. If you can't do that, you should start thinking about more permanent solutions that have nothing to do with cheating.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck Smile
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#12
RE: Men Women Sex and Temptation
So, I'm a young fellow, currently in a committed relationship, but in the past I've been in open ones, polyamorous ones, casual ones... I've had my share of sex/love things where another person gets involved, is what I'm saying. The one rule I've had that entire time is never cheat; it does nobody any good. Not you, not your wife, not the new girl... yes, you'll get a thrill, yes there will be fun times, but eventually those chickens come home to roost.

Now, the naive part of me wants to suggest trying poly stuff for yourself, but I know most people aren't set up for that. Tongue Ultimately, if it was me it'd be down to two choices: stay with the one you're with, or leave for the new pasture. I wouldn't encourage you one way or the other- you're the only one in your headspace, it's your call to make- but I wouldn't consider cheating as an option; even if you do get away with it forever, you'll still know. You seem like a pretty good guy, I doubt you'd feel completely okay with it.

That being said, there's nothing wrong with having these feelings, nor with expressing them, and I reserve the right to just be completely wrong here on every point. Tongue All's I can do is wish you luck in the end, and hope that whatever decision you do make, it's the right one.
"YOU take the hard look in the mirror. You are everything that is wrong with this world. The only thing important to you, is you." - ronedee

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#13
RE: Men Women Sex and Temptation
You are the only one who can fix this Cinjin...it's YOUR life, IF you aren't happy ...FIX IT! Don't cheat. Talk to your lady wife
"The Universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements: energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest." G'Kar-B5
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#14
RE: Men Women Sex and Temptation
(September 9, 2013 at 11:42 pm)Rahul Wrote: Being attracted to women other than your wife, not only physically, but mentally is normal enough. My wife and I don't hold to unreasonable concepts that once you are married you suddenly don't find anyone else attractive ever again. So that's not the issue. You can look but don't touch is fine.

That, I think, is a healthy attitude. The old joke is "honey, if I don't look, it means I'm dead."

Since both my wife and I are bi, we may have an easier time with this issue. Heck, I first met my wife online, it was because I was reading her gay porn and looking at her gay artwork online (for anime fans, this is called "Yaoi"). So if she says "oh, he's hot", I can say "hey, you're right, he is". Before anyone gets the wrong idea, no, we're not polyamourous. She's decidedly against that. Looking or admiring is not the same as acting on.
Atheist Forums Hall of Shame:
"The trinity can be equated to having your cake and eating it too."
...      -Lucent, trying to defend the Trinity concept
"(Yahweh's) actions are good because (Yahweh) is the ultimate standard of goodness. That’s not begging the question"
...       -Statler Waldorf, Christian apologist
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#15
RE: Men Women Sex and Temptation
(September 9, 2013 at 10:50 pm)Cinjin Wrote: Coming from you DP, it's likely good advice. It's also not that things are all that bad - things are just tired and boring.

Why thank you. I might suggest that boredom may be numbness that could result from resentments or problems, or so I've heard from what I've read. If not, there are ways to change things up without involving another person.
Atheist Forums Hall of Shame:
"The trinity can be equated to having your cake and eating it too."
...      -Lucent, trying to defend the Trinity concept
"(Yahweh's) actions are good because (Yahweh) is the ultimate standard of goodness. That’s not begging the question"
...       -Statler Waldorf, Christian apologist
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#16
RE: Men Women Sex and Temptation
(September 10, 2013 at 9:10 am)DeistPaladin Wrote:
(September 9, 2013 at 11:42 pm)Rahul Wrote: Being attracted to women other than your wife, not only physically, but mentally is normal enough. My wife and I don't hold to unreasonable concepts that once you are married you suddenly don't find anyone else attractive ever again. So that's not the issue. You can look but don't touch is fine.

That, I think, is a healthy attitude. The old joke is "honey, if I don't look, it means I'm dead."

Since both my wife and I are bi, we may have an easier time with this issue. Heck, I first met my wife online, it was because I was reading her gay porn and looking at her gay artwork online (for anime fans, this is called "Yaoi"). So if she says "oh, he's hot", I can say "hey, you're right, he is". Before anyone gets the wrong idea, no, we're not polyamourous. She's decidedly against that. Looking or admiring is not the same as acting on.

Have to agree here. Don't know if I'm bi. BUT..... I can appreciate a fine looking female or male. Will send the females Zen's way and concur the she looks 'hot'

We have just agreed that we don't share our "toys"

NOT looking means you are dead. Undecided
"The Universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements: energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest." G'Kar-B5
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#17
RE: Men Women Sex and Temptation
Been married 13 years here with two kids. I don't think there's anyone who's been married that long who hasn't felt bored in their marriage once in a while. It's just simply hard to keep romance alive (especially with small children) and to keep things fresh when you already know everything about the person you're with. Plus, we're fighting biology because I believe it's in men's nature to find multiple women attractive. Hell, even Pat Robertson said that it's a man's nature to cheat.

I find many women attractive, but I don't let on to my wife about it. She has body image issues and seems to not understand male sexuality. She would get jealous of me looking even though I have no intention on touching. She doesn't even like me looking at porn.

However, I would never cheat. I could see how someone would be tempted if they were in a totally shitty relationship (or if they were in a sexless marriage), but in that case better to end the marriage or relationship before starting a new one.
Christian apologetics is the art of rolling a dog turd in sugar and selling it as a donut.
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#18
RE: Men Women Sex and Temptation
I vote for talking with the spouse.
With relationships... I've noticed they kind of go in cycles. Sometimes I'm all about my husband and he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, both sexually and emotionally. And other times I'm like, this is the only person I get to have sex with for the rest of my life... or on an emotional level: this is the person that I can be most intimate with, emotionally, for the rest of my life. Both of these thoughts can be taken to a disappointed/depressing place.
But it always seems to cycle back to being happy with my decision to marry my husband and my commitment to our relationship. We've been married for 8 years, together for 12.
I've had crushes/attractions throughout our relationship. Maybe not so much in the beginning, but definitely before we were married, both during good times and bad. I've been turned on by guys, and had I been single, would have tapped that or wanted to pursue a relationship. And not in a mean or condescending way, I've discussed these crushes/attractions with my husband. It helps me figure out what I find exciting and attractive about the other person, and what I don't feel like I'm getting from our relationship at the time. Now, my husband is a relatively non-complex, emotional creature, and females tend to be a wee bit more touchy (avoid any convos like this one the week before her period starts, that would lead you to ruin if your wife PMSs at all, I know I would not handle a convo like this one very well when I'm PMSing), I totally would not recommend leading with, "Hey, Honey, I met this woman and boy, does she spark something for me." But if you start examining what it is you're so attracted to, and what hole that fills that your current relationship does not, perhaps addressing it in that way. "Honey, I've realized I'm missing the 'spark' (or whatever you decide it is, a deeper intellectual or sexual or compatibility) from our relationship, how can we get that back?" Then if explanation is needed, opening up about finding yourself attracted to someone else and how it led to this introspection.

Remember, cheating isn't about the sex. It's about filling some need that is not being met by one's current relationship. People who are happy and satisfied in their relationships don't cheat. (I'm not talking about polygamous relationships here, I'm talking traditional monogamous ones.) I'd say you need to figure out what is missing from your marriage, ask for it, and go from there.
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#19
RE: Men Women Sex and Temptation
(September 10, 2013 at 9:20 am)KichigaiNeko Wrote: Have to agree here. Don't know if I'm bi. BUT..... I can appreciate a fine looking female or male.

Bisexuality is more complicated than our purist notions of heterosexuality would suggest. I do seem much more readily attracted to females than to males (and even with the latter, my aesthetic preference is more the slender "twink" type than the Fabio-type). From what I understand, that's normal among bis to have an "all things equal..." type of preference. Yet, I think bisexual is the appropriate label in my case. Another interesting thing is that in the early stages of my online correspondence with my wife (we met on the internet, long-distance at first), I was confiding in her about problems I was having with the man I loved at that time. The lines between "bi" and "straight" or "gay" may be a lot more fuzzy than we currently believe.

One gay man I spoke with on the topic of sexual orientation seemed to have the need to deny the existence of bisexuality. He asked me to do a thought experiment where I had two options of sexual companion for one night, one my ideal male and the other my ideal female (this was back when I was single). Knowing I could have only one, which one would I choose. I answered "the woman". He said, "see, you're really straight". To which I replied, "and yet, I wouldn't kick the guy out of bed."

Bisexuality is also, I suspect, often suppressed, as was the case with me for so many years. Most Bis I've spoken with started out thinking we're straight. Since we are genuinely attracted to the opposite gender, it's no difficulty simply focusing our sexual and romantic impulses in that direction. Any time I found myself admiring someone of the same gender, I used the "lust into envy" formula to tell myself it's what I wanted to be rather than to have. It took the rather dramatic experience of falling in love with a man to wake me up to my versatile nature.

A thought experiment that might answer your question is if you could fantasize about having sex with someone of the same gender and be turned on by the idea. You still might be mostly straight but as I've said, I think bisexuality is a matter of shades of gray.
Atheist Forums Hall of Shame:
"The trinity can be equated to having your cake and eating it too."
...      -Lucent, trying to defend the Trinity concept
"(Yahweh's) actions are good because (Yahweh) is the ultimate standard of goodness. That’s not begging the question"
...       -Statler Waldorf, Christian apologist
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#20
RE: Men Women Sex and Temptation
Some worthy advice from all of you, and on a side note, I think it's very telling that Pat Robertson, another vocal christian douche bag, justifies a man cheating on his wife while a bunch of atheists encourage one not to do it. Thinking Typical christian morality.


(September 10, 2013 at 8:42 am)Esquilax Wrote: it's your call to make- but I wouldn't consider cheating as an option; even if you do get away with it forever, you'll still know. You seem like a pretty good guy, I doubt you'd feel completely okay with it.

You're right. I couldn't do it. Something would change inside me forever that I wouldn't want to carry.

Leaving me with only two options: Fix what I have or get a divorce.
A troubling dilemma since I have met people who are now significantly happier to have divorced the wrong person to be with the right person. My greatest problem with this option is that I LOVE seeing my son every day and all the wonderful things that come with watching him grow up. He's only 5 and if I got divorced, my time with him would be cut at LEAST in half. I don't know if I can handle that. He's my favorite thing in this world.

Meanwhile, I feel my wife and I beginning to fall away from each other, and it makes me wonder if I should let us go while we both still have time to meet someone new. I don't know. Life is such a mixed up journey and you don't always know if you've made the right choice till it's too late.
[Image: Evolution.png]

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