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Poopy Text
October 15, 2013 at 9:50 am
I got a steaming pile of poo via text this morning and this is my vent about it:
My little sister informed me that our father just finished radiation therapy for prostate cancer. No word yet on whether or not he's cancer free. Also included was a plea to not inform my dad's sister, who is a hypochondriac, about his condition. A no brainer, especially since I don't speak with her either (she's codependent to the MAX, it's really twisted).
My first concern was for my older brother, as prostate cancer can be genetic. I can't help but feel guilty that I don't feel worse about my dad. He was and is an abusive asshole (and I feel bad calling him an asshole now that he's got cancer, but it's true). He has no remorse for his actions. I do a good job of letting that go, but I'm just beyond caring.
Yeah... that's about it. I feel bad that I don't feel bad about it. I'm a horrible person and going to hell, so Drich or anyone else, you don't need to tell me that. A part of me is, "Karma sucks, dude." and another is, "Poor guy." But that's about the extent of it... I do worry about my brother though. I passed on the steaming turd pile to him with a caution for him to keep an eye on his prostate.
Fucked up families are... fucked up. I feel like I should feel something... concern, worry, anxiety about dad, but I really don't. I don't want him to suffer, but I don't want him in my life either. Really, he died to me long ago. I've already mourned the fact that I don't have (and never had) a father. I have a genetic donor. I just don't have anything left for his actual being... I'm tapped out.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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RE: Poopy Text
October 15, 2013 at 10:26 am
To be fair, I wouldn't feel anything, either. But I can be pretty cold when people wrong me, so take that for what it's worth.
Even if the open windows of science at first make us shiver after the cozy indoor warmth of traditional humanizing myths, in the end the fresh air brings vigor, and the great spaces have a splendor of their own - Bertrand Russell
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RE: Poopy Text
October 15, 2013 at 10:30 am
I think you should work on that anger you have with your dad and talk to him while you can.
I for one could crucify each of my parents for the idiots they are, but I realize I'm an idiot myself.
Bottom line is that you should be more rational than your feelings. To let the hate flow, buy a punching sandbag.
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RE: Poopy Text
October 15, 2013 at 10:53 am
I can relate. My dad suffered multiple strokes and although his mind is a sharp as ever, his body is toast and his pride is over compensating for it. I can't do shit to help him, nor can I get him help through incompetence hearings(I forget the legalese term). I keep my distance now.
Sometimes it's better to preserve our sanity than deal with the loonies in our lives.
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RE: Poopy Text
October 15, 2013 at 10:59 am
I understand the anger that festive can have. Question is, should her perpetuate hatred?
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RE: Poopy Text
October 15, 2013 at 11:14 am
Hi, festive. For what I have read in your posts regarding growing up and how affected you have been, I can understand why you don't feel worse about your father's condition. You shouldn't feel guilty. I consider that blood relation does not entitle a person to love and respect. These things are earned unless they are your children, in which case, I don't see myself losing love for my children no matter what they do.
If you were to try to take Last Poet's advice, I suggest you only do it if it will help you feel better, and not because of your father. I say this because judging by previous posts I see you are still recovering from your childhood and you should try anything that you feel could help you in the process. Unless it wouldn't help, then don't do it.
I hope you find peace. ♥
Pointing around: "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm out!"
Half Baked
"Let the atheists come to me, and stop keeping them away, because the kingdom of heathens belongs to people like these." -Saint Bacon
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RE: Poopy Text
October 15, 2013 at 11:16 am
I can sympathize, my father walked out when I was in my late teens, never saw him again for years, now, maybe 40 years later we are starting to get back together... but there will always be that barrier, nothing to do but accept it.
The meek shall inherit the Earth, the rest of us will fly to the stars.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups
Arguing with an engineer is like wrestling with a pig in mud ..... after a while you realise that the pig likes it!
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RE: Poopy Text
October 15, 2013 at 12:02 pm
Festive, I don't talk to my father either. He's a narcissist to the extreme, and I simply couldn't deal with him anymore. I went to therapy over it, and I'll tell you what all that money spent on the therapist taught me:
People who are bad for you are bad for you. If you have tried many times to live with that person as they are and you have failed, it is probably time to give it a rest, but to try not to do that with hatred. You can't change anyone else, but it's possible that one day the person in question will change on their own, so be open to that possibility.
I don't hate my father. I see him twice a year at family birthday parties, and I speak to him civilly and watch his behavior and talk to family members still in touch with to see if he has changed (he hasn't). I'm sorry that I can't accept him as he is, but I can't. I'm much happier without him in my life, and after therapy I don't feel guilty about it.
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RE: Poopy Text
October 15, 2013 at 2:25 pm
Thanks for the support guys. It really does mean a lot.
I'm not sure if I'm still angry at or hate my father. When I focus on him I feel a lot of pity. Ultimately, he went through things that shaped how he interacts with and views the world, let's just say it's not positive. I commiserate because I've been through shit too. It just seems like he gave up on trying to overcome it and be a better person in spite of his experiences, and I work my ass off everyday to achieve some balance in my life (with varying degrees of success, but generally the trend is positive as of late).
I understand trying to reach out to him, but I've been burned by this man so many times... There's a definite fear of being sucked in again and hurt. I don't know if reaching out to him would be a good thing for me... I'll have to think about that... I'm sure it will be the topic de jour in therapy this week... *sigh*
But seriously, thank you for the support.
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RE: Poopy Text
October 15, 2013 at 2:29 pm
You do not have to let your anger die, Festive, You can let it live. I let my malcontent stay with me for a few reasons. You will always remember even when You forget (the slate can never be wiped clean). You can live for the future, but the future is still crafted from the past. Experiencing something truly horrible makes clear what is good or bad in life (but being nihilistic, good/bad does not register for me). Those horrible experiences help us to better appreciate. As much as I hated having been aggressively verbally harassed and threatened by my father, I did not become some oblivious, narrow-minded schmuck that sees life as a happy-go-lucky trial. You do not have to change your views for your father because He is ill. Everyone gets ill and passes at some point. You can treat him differently, but judge the history all the same.
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