Posts: 28
Threads: 2
Joined: December 2, 2013
Reputation:
0
Your favorite biblical WTF moments
December 8, 2013 at 1:09 pm
(This post was last modified: December 8, 2013 at 1:11 pm by ablenova.)
The bible is a long, challenging read but every once in a while you find these little gems you never saw coming. Post your favorite biblical WTF moment. Here's mine so far:
Quote:Ezekiel 4
12 Eat the food as you would a loaf of barley bread; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel.” 13 The Lord said, “In this way the people of Israel will eat defiled food among the nations where I will drive them.”
14 Then I said, “Not so, Sovereign Lord! I have never defiled myself. From my youth until now I have never eaten anything found dead or torn by wild animals. No impure meat has ever entered my mouth.”
15 “Very well,” he said, “I will let you bake your bread over cow dung instead of human excrement.”
IMO, this exemplifies the LORD's righteousness. See, any other god would have made him use the human feces but the LORD let's him use cow dung instead. Such a loving god....
Posts: 3432
Threads: 102
Joined: November 13, 2013
Reputation:
59
RE: Your favorite biblical WTF moments
December 8, 2013 at 1:22 pm
You can't beat a bit of bear mauling.
23 Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!” 24 When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. 25 And he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to Samaria."
Those crazy bears!
11 If two men are fighting with each other—a man and his fellow Israelite—and the wife of one of them gets into the fight, trying to save her husband from his attacker and does so by reaching out and grabbing his genitals, 12 you must cut off her hand. Show no mercy.
I love this one. I can only think this must have happened often enough that they had to have a fixed rule for it.
"hey rabbi, Jacobs wife grabbed me by the family jewels while we were having a fight"
"what again?! This is Bullshit right here! If someone doesn't codify some sort of guideline for how we handle this sort of situation we're going to have a real problem! "
Then there was a bright light...
"Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken."
Sith code
Posts: 736
Threads: 38
Joined: December 3, 2013
Reputation:
10
RE: Your favorite biblical WTF moments
December 8, 2013 at 4:18 pm
Old classic, the talking snake.
When I first started talking to Christians online I assumed no one took this literally. I was absolutely amazed to find people that said it really happened.
The zombie army as well in Mathew, that no one else seemed to notice.
Posts: 9176
Threads: 76
Joined: November 21, 2013
Reputation:
40
RE: Your favorite biblical WTF moments
December 8, 2013 at 4:49 pm
You don't have to look very far. Just take Genesis, where it says the moon is a lesser source of light. Also some people believe that the firmament of the world was a solid dome. I always assumed the upper waters just meant the sky, until later in life when you have people explaining how a solid dome could have been there. Also ancient maps depicting the dome, with the sun moon and stars within it.
Also in various parts on the bible, starting with the cain and Able story, God loves the smell of flesh. Don't bother sacrificing anything unless you had to kill something for it.
Posts: 579
Threads: 3
Joined: October 18, 2013
Reputation:
14
RE: Your favorite biblical WTF moments
December 8, 2013 at 5:14 pm
I reckon the biggest WTF moment is that bit from Genesis 1:1 to Revelations 22:21
Posts: 9176
Threads: 76
Joined: November 21, 2013
Reputation:
40
RE: Your favorite biblical WTF moments
December 8, 2013 at 5:17 pm
I was wondering if someone was just going to say "the whole book!".
Posts: 6896
Threads: 89
Joined: January 13, 2013
Reputation:
116
RE: Your favorite biblical WTF moments
December 8, 2013 at 5:38 pm
this isn't my favorite, but it made me laugh 
Solomon 8:9-10
It goes down smoothly for my beloved, gliding over lips and teeth.
I am my beloved's, 10 and his desire is for me.
No, the context before and after this verse do nothing to make this mean anything less than what it is saying.
If I were to create self aware beings knowing fully what they would do in their lifetimes, I sure wouldn't create a HELL for the majority of them to live in infinitely! That's not Love, that's sadistic. Therefore a truly loving god does not exist!
Quote:The sin is against an infinite being (God) unforgiven infinitely, therefore the punishment is infinite.
Dead wrong. The actions of a finite being measured against an infinite one are infinitesimal and therefore merit infinitesimal punishment.
Quote:Some people deserve hell.
I say again: No exceptions. Punishment should be equal to the crime, not in excess of it. As soon as the punishment is greater than the crime, the punisher is in the wrong.
![[Image: tumblr_n1j4lmACk61qchtw3o1_500.gif]](https://66.media.tumblr.com/5fb74c6d16622fb3dbb358509c9aec03/tumblr_n1j4lmACk61qchtw3o1_500.gif)
Posts: 35273
Threads: 204
Joined: August 13, 2012
Reputation:
146
RE: Your favorite biblical WTF moments
December 8, 2013 at 6:02 pm
(December 8, 2013 at 5:14 pm)Optimistic Mysanthrope Wrote: I reckon the biggest WTF moment is that bit from Genesis 1:1 to Revelations 22:21
Agree, the part between the covers.
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
Posts: 5598
Threads: 112
Joined: July 16, 2012
Reputation:
74
RE: Your favorite biblical WTF moments
December 8, 2013 at 7:35 pm
The part about the psychologically-crippled magical manchild who automatically has at least +1 superpowers to anything imaginable actually being capable of creating something other than an abstract painting made of its own feces.
Posts: 28
Threads: 2
Joined: December 2, 2013
Reputation:
0
RE: Your favorite biblical WTF moments
December 8, 2013 at 7:46 pm
(This post was last modified: December 8, 2013 at 7:52 pm by ablenova.)
(December 8, 2013 at 5:38 pm)missluckie26 Wrote: this isn't my favorite, but it made me laugh
Solomon 8:9-10
It goes down smoothly for my beloved, gliding over lips and teeth.
I am my beloved's, 10 and his desire is for me.
No, the context before and after this verse do nothing to make this mean anything less than what it is saying.
The whole of Song of Solomon was unexpected. Loved it though... It's a very beautiful poem.
PS: That's 7:9, not 8:9 and the preceding text makes it clear that its about a kiss.
Quote:Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine,
And the fragrance of your breath like apples,
9 And your mouth like the best wine!”
“[k]It goes down smoothly for my beloved,
Flowing gently through the lips of those who fall asleep.
|
