Christian dad broke us up

[Alex K]

Wow, I'm shocked, and very sorry for you. It's a good christian macho tradition to basically deny women their personal autonomy. Here we have a shining example of a grown person being controlled. Is she financially dependent on her parents a lot?

[Vegamo]

Wow, I'm shocked, and very sorry for you. It's a good christian macho tradition to basically deny women their personal autonomy. Here we have a shining example of a grown person being controlled. Is she financially dependent on her parents a lot?

No, she just isn't ready to move out of her bubble. Her dad and brother are very controlling.

It's only funny because early in our relationship she hated them.

Now I'm stuck with a house full of memories, two jobs, and lack of sleep.

Id like to quote what her dad shared "publicly"
"If you and your parents are having a difference of opinion about the person you're dating or engaged to, you are probably WRONG and your parents are right. Not always, but that's probably the case 95 percent of the time. Why? Because unless your parents are evil, psychos, bigots, nutcases or drunks, they only want to protect you from your silly self. Your parents have been around longer, they have more relationship experience, and unlike you, they aren't horny for this person so they are more objective. Unlike your parents, you may be too young, blind, desperate, or frightened to be thinking rationally.

Just because you're enthralled with someone doesn't mean it's a good project for the rest of your life. I can't tell you how many times callers on my show have told me they saw the red flags when they were dating and people told them marrying their spouse was a bad idea, and yet, they did it anyway. Don't walk into the Valley of the Shadow of Death, have three kids, and then decide that everyone was right and you should have listened. Not all things in life are fixable; in fact, they can get a whole lot worse.

For example, one of the biggest warnings people ignore from their parents is about dating someone who is a different religion. A lot of people think religion is not an issue when they're head-over-heels in love, but it is an issue when the kids arrive.

I once gave a talk to a Jewish group at a synagogue. During the Q&A, a man stood up and said that he had married a Christian woman who had agreed to raise their kids Jewish. The problem was, they got divorced. Now he was upset that she was raising the kids to be Christian. On a side note, this is why a lot of kids grow up to be atheists. They figure that neither parent cared enough about their religious point of view to create a family around it, so why should they?

The bottom line is, you have to ask yourself if it's worth all the stress and drama for the rest of your life. If there are some personality issues, it's a good idea for everybody (boyfriend, girlfriend, and both sets of parents) to sit down and talk openly without getting defensive.

So, when your parents tell you that the guy or gal you are dating is a loser, psycho, drunk, cheater, or you can't count on them, you need to stop and say to yourself, "My parents are good people, and I respect them. There must be a good reason why they don't like him/her." And if you're dating someone who is rude or acts superior to your parents, dump them. These are the people who gave birth to you, nurtured you, raised you, and protected and provided for you.

Remember: The Romeo and Juliet story is very romantic, but people ended up dead."



I'm only upset because I pushed her to being a better person, self reliant, and rational.

Her exes were all wacko controlling, I gave her space. I know she doesn't want us to break up, but her family is.

[Kayenneh]

I understand that it's hard for you Veg, and I'm sorry. Despite the delicate situation, I'm going to be frank. If she can't make the decision herself and let her parents take over in a situation like this, she is not worth the trouble. You both may very well love each other a lot, but love alone isn't enough. She has to take a stand, go against her parents' beliefs or lose you.

To put things into perspective, I had to do something very similar with my dad. Scruffy is unemployed and I have been the breadwinner for as long as we have been together. Dad was really upset with him, thinking that he was taking advantage of me, that I was enabling him to procrastinate and was convinced that Scruffy doesn't do all in his power to improve our economic situation. Dad wanted us to separate, in the sense that we wouldn't live under the same roof anymore. I put my foot down then and there, said that I couldn't bail on Scruffy when things were getting tough, that he gives me so much, despite not being able to provide as much money as I am. Dad backed down and said that he could respect me for wanting to work for my relationship and we didn't talk about moving apart again.

So, what I'm basically saying, if your girl isn't willing to fight for you, she's not worthy of you. I'm just so sorry that it had to come down to this in your case

[Vegamo]

I understand that it's hard for you Veg, and I'm sorry. Despite the delicate situation, I'm going to be frank. If she can't make the decision herself and let her parents take over in a situation like this, she is not worth the trouble. You both may very well love each other a lot, but love alone isn't enough. She has to take a stand, go against her parents' beliefs or lose you.

To put things into perspective, I had to do something very similar with my dad. Scruffy is unemployed and I have been the breadwinner for as long as we have been together. Dad was really upset with him, thinking that he was taking advantage of me, that I was enabling him to procrastinate and was convinced that Scruffy doesn't do all in his power to improve our economic situation. Dad wanted us to separate, in the sense that we wouldn't live under the same roof anymore. I put my foot down then and there, said that I couldn't bail on Scruffy when things were getting tough, that he gives me so much, despite not being able to provide as much money as I am. Dad backed down and said that he could respect me for wanting to work for my relationship and we didn't talk about moving apart again.

So, what I'm basically saying, if your girl isn't willing to fight for you, she's not worthy of you. I'm just so sorry that it had to come down to this in your case

Thank you, it's what hurts me. I'm looked at as a bad person yet they were all hinting marriage back when they thought I believed in god.

[Alex K]

Thank you, it's what hurts me. I'm looked at as a bad person yet they were all hinting marriage back when they thought I believed in god.

Let's go about it from the opposite direction. Have you and her ever discussed religion and maybe even raising kids with or without it? Do you think it would have become a problem?

Because unless your parents are evil, psychos, bigots, nutcases or drunks,

Erm... i take #3, and a little bit of #1 and #2.

Also, she quit her job because her parents told her to? What the Hell?

[Vegamo]

Thank you, it's what hurts me. I'm looked at as a bad person yet they were all hinting marriage back when they thought I believed in god.

Let's go about it from the opposite direction. Have you and her ever discussed religion and maybe even raising kids with or without it? Do you think it would have become a problem?

I told her what I feel about it, I told her I can't lie to my kids about what I know.

It believe it has a lot to do with it, she senses conflict between her dad and I. She chose her dad I guess.

Yep quit her job just to go back home.

[Alex K]

I told her what I feel about it, I told her I can't lie to my kids about what I know.

Well that's the way to go. But what did she say about that?

[Vegamo]

I told her what I feel about it, I told her I can't lie to my kids about what I know.

Well that's the way to go. But what did she say about that?

That she doesn't know, and that a lot of couples manage this. She's not really Christian her self becUse she hates religions but somehow bipolar about being agnostic/Christian

[Alex K]

That she doesn't know, and that a lot of couples manage this. She's not really Christian her self becUse she hates religions but somehow bipolar about being agnostic/Christian

That is very important information. So she would basically have been ok with a milque toasty christian upbringing of potential children with a bit of atheist influence from your side.
(And if she would tell her parents that, they will probably hate you even more because they'll think that it was your evil influence. Damn.)

I must say though one can't blame her too much, it is a very difficult situation at a relatively young age, to basically be threatened to be cut off by your family. It really is their fault. Who knows how other otherwise happy couples would hold up under such pressure...

[wolf39us]

Makes me thank God my girl is an atheist!

To be honest though, I have been in a similar situation with my first love. My ex was a pretty typical not
too crazy Christian. She went to church only on special occasions. We agreed that I wouldn't say a word about her beliefs provided she doesn't G-word me to death and it worked for awhile.

In the end though, between her nut house mother (super religious nut) and the fact that I was a little too atheist, we split.

It took a solid two years for me to get over it and I found a great ATHEIST girl and holy crap do I feel so much more freedom!

You don't want a lunatic family breathing down your neck because in the end... You aren't marrying her, you're marrying her whole family!