The Movie Ninja Episode 1
August 19, 2014 at 3:10 am
(This post was last modified: August 19, 2014 at 3:15 am by StealthySkeptic.)
The Movie Ninja
One ninja atheist. Way too many movies. No mercy.
![[Image: cinema-ninja.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net%2F80450F%2Fplanet1051.com%2Ffiles%2F2012%2F09%2Fcinema-ninja.jpg)
Episode 1: My Week in Movies
One ninja atheist. Way too many movies. No mercy.
Episode 1: My Week in Movies
Cast of the Ninja's Entertainment Cabinet (Read First)
When Stealthy's parents buy a sexy new 4K 3D TV for themselves and send him their comparatively older HDTV, the still young screen has to adjust to being un-shelved and shipped again so early in his life cycle and then adapt to a new environment full of chatty media players placing a lot of demands on his systems. Will he and his unlikely friends find love? Perhaps save the world? Tune in each week to see the zany adventures of a ninja's sentient movie cabinet and find out!
SCEPTRE aka "Shep"- The New Kid
![[Image: 0079234325053_300X300.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i.walmartimages.com%2Fi%2Fp%2F00%2F79%2F23%2F43%2F25%2F0079234325053_300X300.jpg)
Apple TV aka "Apple"- The Dreamer
![[Image: 31rYKKB4zFL._SX300_.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=ecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F31rYKKB4zFL._SX300_.jpg)
Blu-ray Player aka "Sony"- The Brains
![[Image: blueray.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=www.funnywitmoney.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2Fblueray.jpg)
FiOS Cable Box aka "FiOS"- The Neglected
![[Image: 261226-Verizon_Media_Gateway.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=multichannel.com%2Fphoto%2F261%2F261226-Verizon_Media_Gateway.jpg)
VCR aka "Gramps"- The Rugged
![[Image: 21L5NvorcqL.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=ecx.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FI%2F21L5NvorcqL.jpg)
*****
Day 1- Guardians of the Galaxy 3D
At the beginning of the week, all the electronics in StealthySkeptic's cabinet woke up from sleep mode and were happy to see him and his girlfriend home at last from seeing Guardians of the Galaxy 3D. Their ninja master so very rarely went out to the movies any more, but the pain of being left behind, all so he could pay $18 for a single movie and $10 on snacks, which was illogical to them, was still very acute.
Shep, having just gotten the packing peanuts out of his slots, was just about to try to strike up conversation with the other players when Sony exclaimed, "Yes!"
"Why yes?" Shep asked timidly.
"He loved the movie," Sony laughed. "Says it was the best action film of the summer, with nearly perfect comedy to boot, fantastic 3D, great characters, and a Star Wars-esque theme of pure adventure and Western rough and tumble lawlessness (even some of the characters are a LOT like Star Wars). It looks even Ms Skeptic is agreeing, and adding that it promotes!"
The other boxes chattered amongst themselves. She usually didn't like action, and she always teased him about being a sucker for even the worst 80s pap. Clearly the effect of this movie on the balance of power in the Cabinet would be immense!
"Why are you so upbeat about him not staying in with us?" FiOS grumbled.
"Shut up and keep recording that weepy rom-com for Ms Skeptic to drag him into," Sony snapped.
"Yeah, says the guy who happily devoured disc after disc of Once Upon a Time," FiOS muttered. All this arguing was giving Shep a headache.
"Anyway, of course that means he'll want to buy it on Blu-ray! And then I won't be forced to scrounge on DVDs for the holidays."
"And maybe it'll come with an iTunes digital copy this time around," Apple smirked. "Speaking of which, perhaps tonight they'll both watch...or he could do that. Siri, what are the humans doing with their mouths?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand, 'Doing things with your mom'," Siri replied.
*****
Day 2-4- Jumanji, Hook, AND The Final Cut
The next day was August 11th, when Robin Williams died. Over the next few days, Apple hiccuped and started rambling on about that time when Skeptic watched such and such obscure reality TV series on iTunes. Either Apple had smoked some serious iClouds again, or something else was going on.
"Dude, what happened to you?" Shep asked.
"I believe it's that new hipster phenomenon of, what is it? Pound sign binge recording?" VCR rumbled from below, coughing away the dust on it head.
"That's actually hashtag, Gramps," Sony gently replied.
"Oh...hashtag my apologies, then," VCR said.
"Yep, and it was binge watching," Apple giggled. "First Jumanji and Hook on Netflix, then The Final Cut on iTunes."
"And how, pray tell, was it?" FiOS huffed, put off that Skeptic hadn't used on demand instead. Instead, FiOS had throttled the Internet speed while everybody else was trying to watch Orange is the New Black, and decided that oughta teach Apple and Netflix a lesson.
"Well, if you want my opinion on the video quality..." Shep started to say.
"No, we don't, New Kid," Sony snapped.
"Stratospheric, man!" Apple whirred. "Jumanji's freaking awesome despite the fact that the CGI looks like it's from when Gramps was a kid, and I love the theme that rings throughout this and other Robin Williams films of being true to the kid inside even as an adult. It's like I've always said- think different! Hook tried to do the same thing, but it was more interested in its zany sets than doing anything new with Peter Pan. I'd watch Jumanji and skip Hook.
"As for The Final Cut, that's actually my favorite- and not just because he bought it on iTunes for $9.99, which I love! It stars Robin Williams in the really serious role of this dude who, like, totally goes through recordings made of your entire life and edits them into funeral videos, guess what? IN FINAL CUT PRO! GET IT?!"
"I've heard of that one," Shep finally spoke out, not caring if the others wanted it to just shut up and project their video. "I remember my, um, previous owners renting it on the Roku..."
"FUCK ROKU!" Apple yelled. "I'm the better set top box and that asshole knows it!!!!"
"...and saying it's one of his best performances yet, and that the strength of the themes, especially the exploration of private and public lives, made this one of their favorites of his movies. After seeing it again, I definitely agree," Shep continued.
"Hm. Sounds like a ringing endorsement comin' from you, squirt. But perhaps Ms Skeptic will want to get it on DVD and then I can see for myself," Sony mused as Apple had a rare unplug due to FiOS's Internet speeds being painfully slow and slept for the rest of the night.
*****
Day 7- The Flight of Dragons
Once again, the electronics in StealthySkeptic's Ninja Cabinet had grown restless and anxious. Aside from some DVDs of Big Bang Theory for Sony, a smattering of recordings for FiOS, and music on Apple, he'd done more human "dates" and "things with your mouth" with Ms Skeptic rather than play with them, and even seen *GASP* a PLAY at a local theater! So when he suggested watching a movie that night, they were all like eager schoolchildren wanting to be picked for class. Several were jealous of Shep, since obviously as the TV he would be playing whatever got chosen.
Of course, they all laughed at Shep when he got paired up with Gramps to play the twenty old tape of The Flight of Dragons. But to Shep's surprise, the VCR started showing it just fine. In Standard Definition, of course, but Shep did his best to make it look as good as possible.
"Did you know that Skeptic used to watch this movie all the time as a kid?" Gramps asked slowly.
"I could reasonably guess so, but no, I didn't," Shep replied.
"And do you know why he comes back to it, and wants to show it to Ms Skeptic?" Gramps wondered again, even though he knew the answer.
The other boxes were dumbfounded that Stealthy, a man from a family so enamored with advanced technology he'd gotten the first iPad before anyone in his hometown, would WILLINGLY use a VHS tape that wasn't a home movie!
"No."
"Because, there was a time before special effects and pound signs and self photographs on portable telephones," VCR replied, "when home video taping was just being grasped. Back then, a young Stealthy loved the simple yet powerful themes of good versus evil and an ordinary young man rising to a magic quest which existed, resonated long before I was even patented, and will continue to resonate long after all of us go to the great Amazon yard sale in the sky.
"As he's gotten older, even though the animation is terrible, the characters are thinner than old tapes, and the plot makes no sense, The Flight of Dragons also presented the most powerful thought I've seen from any of the things we've touched this week: that perhaps science is the most powerful magic of all, and that despite all of our rationality we still need to believe in something out there that can inspire us."
"That's really deep, man," Apple smiled, metaphorically since such a thing was obviously not possible.
"But you do know that you can buy The Flight of Dragons on DVD, right?" Sony asked.
"$#*&@!$%&(&#!!!!!!" the VCR replied with the characteristic angry buzzing noise of one of its moods.
Luke: You don't believe in the Force, do you?
Han Solo: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other, and I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen *anything* to make me believe that there's one all-powerful Force controlling everything. 'Cause no mystical energy field controls *my* destiny. It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.
Han Solo: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other, and I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen *anything* to make me believe that there's one all-powerful Force controlling everything. 'Cause no mystical energy field controls *my* destiny. It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.
![[Image: 146748944129044_zpsomrzyn3d.gif]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i629.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu13%2FRXM843%2F146748944129044_zpsomrzyn3d.gif)
