Conflicted, Life Has No Inherent Meaning But I Want to Adopt One

[LivingNumbers6.626]

So I am pretty fixed in my disbelief. I don't hate the idea of a "god" but I hate what religion and people do to it. But in the end...the god question is pretty meaningless.

I used to derive meaning and purpose from being mormon. And though I was sometimes a fake believer, the delusion was empowering. Losing all that conflicts things.

There may be no real meaning or purpose...but there was be a way to feel empowered as an american atheist and regain a sense of stability and find happiness.

What is happiness? What am I? Why am I always depressed? What will make me happy? It appears almost as if nothing has the answer, nor does medical treatment.

[The Grand Nudger]

Tried hookers and blow?

[Endo]

What have you tried for depression, if it is "actual" depression, and not just some ghost in your head from some existential considerations?

There's been about 9000 discussions on this topic, the meaning of life and whatnot, but it's what you make of it. No meaning inherent in life means that you get to inject your own meaning into it. THAT is freedom.

[abaris]

THAT is freedom.

No that's individuality. No other person's meaning can be applied like a blueprint.

[bennyboy]

If nothing has meaning for you, then you're an empty slate. Congratulations, you are free to GIVE life whatever meaning you want. You are God of your own life. You can throw it away, or you can see this realization as a moment of pure liberty-- you can literally do anything you want to.

[LivingNumbers6.626]

Tried hookers and blow?

Don't have money for hookers, don't know what blow is?

---

What have you tried for depression, if it is "actual" depression, and not just some ghost in your head from some existential considerations?

There's been about 9000 discussions on this topic, the meaning of life and whatnot, but it's what you make of it. No meaning inherent in life means that you get to inject your own meaning into it. THAT is freedom.

What have I tried? Basically three hospitalizations, two intensive out patient programs, several medications, ridding myself of dogma (that made me considerably more depressed), and medical marijuana.

In reality, I might just have to be patient. But things still bother me and something is unsettled that I'm trying to make peace with.

[The Grand Nudger]

Snow...white girl, candy cane, gutter glitter, yayo....coke...cocaine man...cocaine (christ, no wonder you're depressed). If you had some..you wouldn't -need- any money for hookers.

[LivingNumbers6.626]

If nothing has meaning for you, then you're an empty slate. Congratulations, you are free to GIVE life whatever meaning you want. You are God of your own life. You can throw it away, or you can see this realization as a moment of pure liberty-- you can literally do anything you want to.

But how do I know what to place into my empty box?

So far I know this:

1) I am 21, want to go back to school, and I know I'm smart enough to do it. Being a computer scientist or programmer could mean a whole lot, but is that the answer to my unhappiness?

2) I love to write, read, and play piano. But it's like a drug. Good in the moment, but eventually tomorrow I am wallowing in my own self pity and hatred.

3) I want to make people happy and be happy. But what does that mean?

Perhaps I am still suffering from the mormon programming where the member is victimized and always blamed for the purpose of indoctrination.

Perhaps I have an anger problem?

Perhaps I just have to be patient?

Or is there is eureka moment where we suddenly realize how we find meaning and happiness in this thing we call the "human experience"?

---

Snow...white girl, candy cane, gutter glitter, yayo....coke...cocaine man...cocaine (christ, no wonder you're depressed). If you had some..you wouldn't -need- any money for hookers.

Hahaha. I see. I think medical marijuana is the extent to my experimentation, but thank you for the suggestion. hahaha

[The Grand Nudger]

But how do I know what to place into my empty box?

-What a wonderful question to ask a hooker!
(I can do this all day baby)

[abaris]

1) I am 21, want to go back to school, and I know I'm smart enough to do it. Being a computer scientist or programmer could mean a whole lot, but is that the answer to my unhappiness?

2) I love to write, read, and play piano. But it's like a drug. Good in the moment, but eventually tomorrow I am wallowing in my own self pity and hatred.

3) I want to make people happy and be happy. But what does that mean?

So why don't you have a try at all of them. It's not as if any option would exclude the other. Go to school, do some voluntary work and write away when you got the time.