Hello all. I've spent some time the last few days lurking and reading some threads in the "Converts' Corner" and I'm ready to take my first step. Stating publicly (though, relatively anonymously) that I am an atheist. I honestly don't care if anyone reads this, I just need to to type it out as sort of an outline for what I will say when I "come out" to my friends and family.
I grew up in the Assemblies of God denomination of Christianity (charismatic, evangelical for those who don't know what that is) since the day I was born. My dad was the sound guy at our church, and from the time I could walk until about 16 (when I eventually took over as the sound guy), I would go every Thursday for worship practice, and early every Sunday (for all the services) to 'help' my dad. I love my dad. More than anything in the world. I know there are a lot of people in the world who didn't get the privilege of having a loving, providing, supportive father and I thank a figurative god every day for him. He is also reason #1 this is so hard. He believes so deeply, so whole-hardheartedly, that his god exists and loves him (and me, and my mom, and my sisters) that it will crush him when I tell him I don't believe. He will feel like he failed as a father, and there is nothing further from the truth.
Reason #2 this hard:
The rest of my family. As far as I know, I will be the first (going back to my great-grandparents) to not be an active member of the Christian church, let alone 'come out' as an atheist.
Reason #3 this hard:
My best friend. I 'led' my best friend to Christ when we were 15 years old. He was a non-christian and I invited him to the church to play music in the youth worship band. He was the bassist in my garage band and I, the drummer. He is now a worship pastor by profession and tomorrow will be the last time I accept his invitation to fill in when his usual drummer can't make it.
My story:
As I stated above, when I was 16 I pretty much took over as the main sound guy at my church, and I was also playing drums in the youth band. I eventually graduated to playing in the main Sunday band when I was about 18, where I (and my best friend) served for the next several years, becoming local rock stars to our congregation of ~1000.
At 21 I got 'headhunted' by a local mega(multi campus)-church and offered a salary of $750/mo to be the drummer in their main band every Sunday and jumped at the opportunity. At the same time I was attending University of Washington studying physics, and starting to doubt the faith I grew up with.
At 24, I took a hiatus from that church to go on tour with a secular band for about a year and a half. When I returned, I found a new church drumming gig. By this time I had come to grips with the fact that I truly don't believe in the god I grew up with, but I couldn't admit it to my family and all the close friends I had made over the years through playing music at church - plus, this was holy grail of church drumming gigs in Seattle. I got to play with a secular rock star-turned-worship-leader, at possibly the most high-profile church in the area (which has recently disbanded - any guesses??). I have a lot of respect for that worship leader as a person, and when he publicly left the church, I did too. And haven't been back inside a church since, though I lie to my mom about that.
I have a lot of apologies to make too.
I'm sorry to the worship leaders I played with for showing up on Sunday hungover, or still drunk from the show I played the night before.
I'm sorry to the congregations that I helped lead worship for, for lying to you. And for aiding in procedural manipulation of you.
I'm sorry to my ex-wife and ex-girlfriends, for lying to you. For pretending to be the 'man of god' you desired. I'm also sorry that he doesn't exist, though I can't do much about that.
I'm sorry to my best friend. I'm sorry that I've been lying to you as well. You are also going to be the first person I tell in real life.
Lastly, I'm sorry to my family. Mom and dad, I love you. You are amazing and you've done everything you can to raise me the best you can. At 28 years old, it's time I stop fretting about hurting your feelings, but start showing you who I, your only son, have happily and joyfully become. The reason this is so hard isn't because I'm not sure, it's because I don't want you to feel like you've failed me. And my sisters, especially my youngest. I know you are planning on going into full-time ministry, as you are very devout, well-intentioned, and bright girl, but please, please, please do not waste your life worrying that I will burn in hell.
Sorry this was long, it's a rough draft...
I grew up in the Assemblies of God denomination of Christianity (charismatic, evangelical for those who don't know what that is) since the day I was born. My dad was the sound guy at our church, and from the time I could walk until about 16 (when I eventually took over as the sound guy), I would go every Thursday for worship practice, and early every Sunday (for all the services) to 'help' my dad. I love my dad. More than anything in the world. I know there are a lot of people in the world who didn't get the privilege of having a loving, providing, supportive father and I thank a figurative god every day for him. He is also reason #1 this is so hard. He believes so deeply, so whole-hardheartedly, that his god exists and loves him (and me, and my mom, and my sisters) that it will crush him when I tell him I don't believe. He will feel like he failed as a father, and there is nothing further from the truth.
Reason #2 this hard:
The rest of my family. As far as I know, I will be the first (going back to my great-grandparents) to not be an active member of the Christian church, let alone 'come out' as an atheist.
Reason #3 this hard:
My best friend. I 'led' my best friend to Christ when we were 15 years old. He was a non-christian and I invited him to the church to play music in the youth worship band. He was the bassist in my garage band and I, the drummer. He is now a worship pastor by profession and tomorrow will be the last time I accept his invitation to fill in when his usual drummer can't make it.
My story:
As I stated above, when I was 16 I pretty much took over as the main sound guy at my church, and I was also playing drums in the youth band. I eventually graduated to playing in the main Sunday band when I was about 18, where I (and my best friend) served for the next several years, becoming local rock stars to our congregation of ~1000.
At 21 I got 'headhunted' by a local mega(multi campus)-church and offered a salary of $750/mo to be the drummer in their main band every Sunday and jumped at the opportunity. At the same time I was attending University of Washington studying physics, and starting to doubt the faith I grew up with.
At 24, I took a hiatus from that church to go on tour with a secular band for about a year and a half. When I returned, I found a new church drumming gig. By this time I had come to grips with the fact that I truly don't believe in the god I grew up with, but I couldn't admit it to my family and all the close friends I had made over the years through playing music at church - plus, this was holy grail of church drumming gigs in Seattle. I got to play with a secular rock star-turned-worship-leader, at possibly the most high-profile church in the area (which has recently disbanded - any guesses??). I have a lot of respect for that worship leader as a person, and when he publicly left the church, I did too. And haven't been back inside a church since, though I lie to my mom about that.
I have a lot of apologies to make too.
I'm sorry to the worship leaders I played with for showing up on Sunday hungover, or still drunk from the show I played the night before.
I'm sorry to the congregations that I helped lead worship for, for lying to you. And for aiding in procedural manipulation of you.
I'm sorry to my ex-wife and ex-girlfriends, for lying to you. For pretending to be the 'man of god' you desired. I'm also sorry that he doesn't exist, though I can't do much about that.
I'm sorry to my best friend. I'm sorry that I've been lying to you as well. You are also going to be the first person I tell in real life.
Lastly, I'm sorry to my family. Mom and dad, I love you. You are amazing and you've done everything you can to raise me the best you can. At 28 years old, it's time I stop fretting about hurting your feelings, but start showing you who I, your only son, have happily and joyfully become. The reason this is so hard isn't because I'm not sure, it's because I don't want you to feel like you've failed me. And my sisters, especially my youngest. I know you are planning on going into full-time ministry, as you are very devout, well-intentioned, and bright girl, but please, please, please do not waste your life worrying that I will burn in hell.
Sorry this was long, it's a rough draft...
