Pissed

[Joods]

I love my youngest but goddamn. I did something I rarely do. I yelled so loud I hurt my throat. Yeah, that kind of yelling. Excuse the profanity that's coming in the following. I'm super pissed off right now.

Normally, I overlook some of the things she does because she is first and foremost going through puberty. Second, she lives with her dad most of the time and is subjected to being brainwashed by his narcissistic, psychopathic ass. But when she is here, lately, all I've gotten is smart-mouthed, sassing backtalk.

Just now, I told her to sit at the dinner table and eat with the other two kids. What did I get in return? "Mama, why should I have to sit at the table? You don't make me do it any other time." Wrong. Weekends that she is here, we ALL sit at the fucking table. Why? Because we are a family. My family sits at the table to eat. This is what we do. So, I yelled from the kitchen, where I was still making plates of food, "Sit at the goddamn fucking table now and stop fucking mouthing off. I am sick and tired of your backtalk girl!"

I went into the dining room and continued my yelling. "You know, I hate it when you make me yell. When any of you make me yell. And what am I doing? Fucking yelling! Why? Because I am tired of you (looking at my daughter) ALWAYS having the last fucking word and always resisting anything I ask you to do. I'm getting to the point where I'm not going to want you to be here on the weekends because all we do is fight and I shouldn't have to feel this way because I'm your mother and I fucking love you! So knock off this bullshit and just do as you are fucking told! That is it. No lip, no backtalk, no attitude. No bullshit. I AM DONE!"

Sorry for the vent. Sorry for the f-bombs all over the place. I just really needed to cool down. I can't even look at my kid right now. I am that angry. She made me say things a mother shouldn't say. I'm hurt that it came to that.

[Napoléon]

Sounds like you went a bit OTT.

[Joods]

If you only knew what I was dealing with earlier today, you'd understand.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Look, I've been that angry at my son, but you can't talk to them -- or yell at them -- like that. You did a couple of things wrong there:

1) "I hate it when you make me yell". You are not accepting responsibility for your own lack of control over your own emotions here. The lesson you are teaching your daughter is that it is okay to lose control and scream and cuss at someone else, so long as you can shift the blame. You do not want to teach her this. I mean, you don't want to teach her to yell and cuss as a problem-solving method in the first place, because it isn't. But, and this is important, you don't want to teach her to blame others for her failure to control her own emotions. Keep in mind, you are her example, and she will follow your actions, not your words. Show her how you want her to behave with your own behavior. Own your emotions and behavior. Don't blame her for your yelling.

2) "I'm getting to the point where I'm not going to want you to be here on the weekends". Major no-no. You are making your love conditional, and you are going to make your daughter feel unwanted, not only through your behavior, but explicitly, with your words.

I will tell you a few tricks that I used to help me through the rough days with my son:

1) As I once told my son's mother, "Sometimes time-out is time-out. Sometimes time-out is protective custody, because I'm about ready to go off." When you get that angry at your child, send her to her room, and get some space to catch your breath and lower your pressure. Time out is just as much for the parent as it is for the child, in some cases, and it sounds like tonight would have been a good time to use it.

2) When he didn't want to sit down for the meal, I would make his plate and sit it at the table. I would let him know that it is there, and I would let him know that in thirty minutes, it will no longer be there, as I will be doing the dishes. And eating happens in the kitchen.

3) My son was very prone to what I called, out loud, "last-word-itis". When he got into that mode, where he felt the need to get that last dig in, I would tell him, "Knock off the last-word-itis, I don't want to hear it. Go to your room and say it there if it needs to be said that badly."

Sorry for the blunt assessment. We all have hot moments as parents, but it is our job to show by example the right way to deal with the problems life will bring our children. Throwing a tantrum is not appropriate.

If I may offer one last bit of advice: go to her, and apologize. Tell her that you're sorry you lost your cool, that you were angry about her misbehavior, that she should have done as asked, but -- and this is important -- that you should not have treated her like that, and that you're sorry.

[Drich]

"Good! I can feel your anger. Take your switch, and strike her down with it. She will be unarmed and defencless. Do so and your journey to the dark side will be complete."

[daver49]

. Why? Because we are a family. My family sits at the table to eat. This is what we do.

Tevye: You may ask,

how did this tradition get started?

I'll tell you.

I don't know.

But it's a tradition.

And because of our traditions,

every one of us knows who he is

and what God expects him to do.

-From "Fiddler on the Roof"

[GrandizerII]

If you only knew what I was dealing with earlier today, you'd understand.

Two notes:

1. It's not your daughter who is hurting you.

2. She seems quite upset about something. That is why she is acting that way towards you. What do you suggest be done about this?

[Napoléon]

2. She seems quite upset about something. That is why she is acting that way towards you. What do you suggest be done about this?

Seems. Probably just a teenager being a teenager. I was quite rude around my own mom only a few years ago and for seemingly no reason whatsoever.

I think, from the teenager's perspective, your parents' behaviours can grind on you a lot of the time. My mom would always nag. Still does. Some days you just can't be arsed for it and want some space. Little things like 'eating at the table' just exist to annoy you. When you're in the middle of growing up you don't want to be told what to do all the time.

I don't know the details of OP's situation but if I had to guess it's probably similar to what I was like with my own parents.

I know they are only trying to do their jobs as parents but in my mind they seem to be acting like cunts for no reason. In their minds I'm doing the same.

If I could of asked my mom one thing, it's to not over-react so much if I give a bit of sass. I know myself that I'm being a dick, but when it gets a reaction it just reinforces me thinking "man my mom's being a bitch today". Whereas if my mom would just be calm and ignore what I'd just snottily said to her, I'd probably think afterwards I shouldn't have said that and not be so much of a dick. Inevitably I'd still have days where I'm being a cunt, but IMO the best way a parent can deal with that behaviour is to just not respond to it.


Ofcourse, there are lines. It doesn't mean I'd say give your child license to behave like an absolute prick 24/7. But if they give a bit of back chat every now and then, take a step back and realise they're just being a teenager, and they are probably going to have days where they can't be fucked with the world.


Then again, I'm not a parent. So what the fuck do I know.

[Jenny A]

Okay, so we believe in family dinners here too. They do connect us all. And yes I'd make her sit through them.

But wow, I have never yelled at anyone until my throat hurt. And not wanting dinner with the family is nothing I can imagine being a trigger to that. I think maybe you and she both have some emotional control issues to work on.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Then again, I'm not a parent. So what the fuck do I know.

Being so fresh out of adolescence, it's a useful reminder to us geezers.

There have to be boundaries in any relationship -- and especially in a parent-child relationship.

There also has to be tolerance for pushing those boundaries in a parent-child relationship, especially from the child, simply because the child is learning this as he goes along. And yes, sometimes you kids are deliberately twits, and it is still the job of the parent to be calm.

I'm going through some difficulties with my son right now. He tests my patience. I'm not throwing down on Judy Lynn, because I know exactly how hard parenting is. I just want to make that clear, even as I disagree with the way she handled things tonight.