Some thoughts about my girlfriend's sexual past

[pauloroberts]

My girlfriend and I were watching some romantic comedy the other day (not my idea, trust me), and the topic of sexual history came up. So we ended up talking about it, and it turns out that she's got quite a past.

She's 27 and here is just some of what she told me...

Her first time was when she was 17
When I asked her how many men she's had sex with she couldn't tell me but when I asked if it was over 20 (jokingly) she said oh yes, way more
The first time she did anal was at the age of 18
She has had a threesome on 3 separate occasions
She has kissed girls in clubs many times
She was a member of fetlife for a couple of years
She mentioned something about doing porn

Those are the highlights but she mentioned quite a lot of other occasions and people.

This is not OK. I've been with her for 3 years and I had no idea about any of this. I always had a feeling about her but I really didn't think it was like this. This is a huge shock to me and what bothers me is that I've invested 3 years of my life with someone whose values and mine most certainly do not gel.

I don't really want to break up with her, but at the same time I can't imagine staying with her and being OK with this. It's going to nag away at me, I know it. I'm a firm believer that her sexual history has a lot to do with the ability to pair bond (or should I say, the inability), and I have seen enough evidence of this with my friends and their girlfriends to confirm it.

I hate to think about it as 3 years is a long time, but I guess I probably will be finishing with her, at least that's how I'm feeling right now. But I just want to get people's opinions, for what it's worth.

[Minimalist]

It really is your decision.  If you aren't comfortable then ending it seems correct.

[robvalue]

Well, I think each person should be taken as an individual, not evaluated using statistics. I think it would be more important to talk to her about her feelings regarding long term relationships. If her history leads you to think she might be more casual about things than you are, maybe you should ask her straight. I believe honesty is the best policy.

I don't think making assumptions is a good idea, but then if all that history is just not something you can handle, no matter what, then I guess things are pretty doomed. If that's the case, it may be better to end things now.

I really don't know what the norm is these days, but I think a lot of people do crazy stuff and experiment when they are young.

[rexbeccarox]

It's her past, and her business. The fact that she trusted you enough to tell you those things, then you turn around and join a discussion forum just to slut-shame her tells me all I need to know. Dump her. She doesn't deserve your revulsion.

[Longhorn]

Um... can I ask why did you think this was the appropriate place to post this kind of thing? Did you register here specifically to do that?

And why would you go and reveal this sort of information on a public forum?

[dyresand]

Why....aren't you talking to her about this.... also its your decision in the end.
If you truly love the girl you should look past it and move on because getting stuck in the past
only leads to either one of you getting hurt, and i would know... all to well...

[Jenny A]

My girlfriend and I were watching some romantic comedy the other day (not my idea, trust me), and the topic of sexual history came up. So we ended up talking about it, and it turns out that she's got quite a past.

She's 27 and here is just some of what she told me...

Her first time was when she was 17
When I asked her how many men she's had sex with she couldn't tell me but when I asked if it was over 20 (jokingly) she said oh yes, way more
The first time she did anal was at the age of 18
She has had a threesome on 3 separate occasions
She has kissed girls in clubs many times
She was a member of fetlife for a couple of years
She mentioned something about doing porn

Those are the highlights but she mentioned quite a lot of other occasions and people.

This is not OK. I've been with her for 3 years and I had no idea about any of this. I always had a feeling about her but I really didn't think it was like this. This is a huge shock to me and what bothers me is that I've invested 3 years of my life with someone whose values and mine most certainly do not gel.

I don't really want to break up with her, but at the same time I can't imagine staying with her and being OK with this. It's going to nag away at me, I know it. I'm a firm believer that her sexual history has a lot to do with the ability to pair bond (or should I say, the inability), and I have seen enough evidence of this with my friends and their girlfriends to confirm it.

I hate to think about it as 3 years is a long time, but I guess I probably will be finishing with her, at least that's how I'm feeling right now. But I just want to get people's opinions, for what it's worth.

Your call.   But, I tend to choose people based on how they behave now, not on what they did when they were younger.  If you've enjoyed the last three years, and found her a steady partner and faithful, but who she slept with before you bothers you, than I think you have some growing up to do.  By all means leave, if you can't grow-up. 

[Esquilax]

My girlfriend and I were watching some romantic comedy the other day (not my idea, trust me), and the topic of sexual history came up. So we ended up talking about it, and it turns out that she's got quite a past.

She's 27 and here is just some of what she told me...

So why are any of those things problems for you? No, seriously: do you have a good reason to feel strongly about any of these things?

This is not OK. I've been with her for 3 years and I had no idea about any of this. I always had a feeling about her but I really didn't think it was like this. This is a huge shock to me and what bothers me is that I've invested 3 years of my life with someone whose values and mine most certainly do not gel.

What values are these, and what makes you think that her values haven't changed since then? Maybe you should be having this conversation with her, rather than us: you'd be surprised how much honest, frank discussion about what's bothering you can help. And remember, if you do, that your girlfriend is a person, one you hopefully have fond feelings for as a person, and not merely a list of her previous sexual acts. The human being that you've been with is still the person you're with; nothing has actually changed, other than your judgmental attitude toward things that she's done that you don't approve of.

I don't really want to break up with her, but at the same time I can't imagine staying with her and being OK with this. It's going to nag away at me, I know it. I'm a firm believer that her sexual history has a lot to do with the ability to pair bond (or should I say, the inability), and I have seen enough evidence of this with my friends and their girlfriends to confirm it.

Okay, I'm sorry, but that's nonsense. She's been with you for three years, isn't that sufficient evidence of her ability to bond with you? You're talking to a guy with a lengthy and lettered sexual history, threesomes are nothing special in comparison to what I've done, but you're also talking to a scrupulously honest man who values his relationships to such a degree that he wouldn't even consider cheating, and who is married to a woman he's well and truly pairbonded with, thank you very much. This idea that sexual history renders one less likely to form longterm relationships is simply not binding to everyone; try taking people as individual human beings with their own minds, and not a homogenous mass you can make wide ranging assertions about based on a handful of observations.

[Exian]

I would count my lucky stars that she was honest with you. Plus, she sounds fun. Hold on to that one.

You are in one of very few possible outcomes to that conversation. Either she tells you the truth, and the truth is what you want to hear, or she tells you the truth, and the truth isn't what you want to hear, or she lies to you. Of those three options, I would say you got the jackpot. You found a woman who, in the face of a huge argument and the possible destruction of your relationship, chose to bravely tell the truth. That's the character you should be judging her on, if at all.

[Esquilax]

It's her past, and her business.  The fact that she trusted you enough to tell you those things, then you turn around and join a discussion forum just to slut-shame her tells me all I need to know.  Dump her.  She doesn't deserve your revulsion.

Oh, also this, actually? So you're so very perturbed by your girlfriend's past, yet you have absolutely no qualms about sharing it with a bunch of strangers without her consent, in a way that would make her feel bad if she ever saw it? What makes you think that's remotely okay? Don't you care about her at all?

Or did her value to you comprise of only a vagina that you thought hadn't had many dicks in it?