Any advice on coming out to my parents?

[Jackalope]

Damn Hippies

Are you fucking serious? My dad voted for Nixon, fer fucksake.

[Longhorn]

Change your name and move abroad. I left you a fake mustache on your desk. From now on, you're Alonzo José Maria De Las Mercedes Acosta, a musically talented hockey player from Switzerland. Your plane takes off in an hour. If anyone asks, you don't know me. Good luck.

[Alex K]

Damn Hippies

Are you fucking serious?  My dad voted for Nixon, fer fucksake.

An atheist Nixon voter? Or are you from a Jewish background and that's why they were concerned about you becoming Christian?

[abaris]

My mother is very protective, and once she even told me that "all I want is for you to grow up to be a good christian". I think that statement is utterly ridiculous, but that is neither here nor there. My father is quite the intellectual but his catholic upbringing renders him clinging to his childhood faith.

That's pretty much the same family setup I grew up with. My mother, as far as I know, was more devout than my father, who was a tachnician and very interested in science. It's hard to give any advice, since we never had that talk. In my family we never really talked about religion and there was no pressure once I decided to rather sleep in on sundays than to go to church. Might have helped that my brother is 15 years my senior and partied through the Roaring 60ies.

So, the only cautious advice I would give you, is to start with your father, since by your description, he seems to be the more open minded. If you really feel the need to have that discussion. I can't be the judge of that, since, as I said, there was no religious pressure in my youth and I never felt the need to have a debate.

[I_am_not_mafia]

If you make a big statement about not being a Christian then it can come across as a cry for help, or at least something you feel concerned about and therefore there is still opportunity in your parent's minds that you can be persuaded otherwise. You are basically saying that the fault is with you.

If you are matter of fact about your disbelief and don't make a big deal about it, then the parents have an obviously much larger task ahead of them. They need to fundamentally change who you are and all the experience, questions and knowledge that you have built up. They will be far more likely to realise that you cannot be converted back to theism.

So I wouldn't make a big coming out speech, just don't hide your scepticism. That way the fault is with them for not being able to counter your objections.

[brewer]

Not knowing a lot about your family dynamics I am reluctant to make any suggestions. I can tell you what I did.

Around your brothers age I started with stating I no longer wanted to attend church, I wasn't getting anything out of it. They then forcefully stated that I was going to church and didn't have a choice. So I went. About 10 minutes into the service I got up and walked out. They weren't willing to make a scene in church or any where near in case other church people might be watching. Fortunately I lived in a small town and was able to walk home.  When they got home there was a bit of a lively discussion and then silence (my family's way of dealing with uncomfortable situations was silence). The next Sunday the same thing, went, then walked out. It must have sank in for them over the course of the two weeks because I was only asked to attend church after that, not forced. They gave me the choice. With time the atheist discussion came up but it was not a heated discussion. I stated my position that I should be able to believe or not believe what I chose just as they were. They were able to accept that and it was never an issue again.

[Jenny A]

I am moving on to college in two weeks so I will be out of the house thankfully. I am not dependent on their money either because I have a full scholarship to college. So, I do not think I will have much of a problem if they have a really negative reaction.

However, my brother still has to live with them for 4 more years. He has said to me that when I'm gone to college if they try to make him go to church he will refuse. So, I just feel like it is all going to come out at once in the wrong way. 

Thanks for the advice by the way. I guess instead of announcing it ill just distance myself and if it comes out somehow then so be it.

I gather you are more worried about hurting your parents or making life difficult for your brother anything else about coming out?  If so I like the simply distancing yourself idea.  However, I would think through in advance how you are going to handle it when your parents ask you about your brother, because that is probably going to happen.

[Chad32]

I think part of the reason some christians don't like college is because of kids that want to wait until they're self sufficient before coming out as atheists. the parents may think it was the college that did it.

I would definitely wait until you're on your own. Your brother can make his own decision, but if you come out they might decide to go hardcore on your brother. If he comes out early, and they kick him out, be prepared to shelter him as needed in your own home.

You want to allow them as little control over your life as possible. Personally I came out as atheist when I was older, but that's just because I didn't become one until I was pretty much on my own anyway. I also had the benefit of my parents not being very religious. They might say they're christian to other people, but they don't go to church and I don't see them reading the bible.

[Pyrrho]

These situations are always tough because there are too many variables. Will they throw you out of the house?  Will they send your brother to a seminary?  Are you self-supporting? 

Further, you don't have to make a grand announcement.  Just drift away.  Make it a point to always have something else to do when they want to start their jesus crap.  That should not be too hard to arrange.

I am moving on to college in two weeks so I will be out of the house thankfully. I am not dependent on their money either because I have a full scholarship to college. So, I do not think I will have much of a problem if they have a really negative reaction.

However, my brother still has to live with them for 4 more years. He has said to me that when I'm gone to college if they try to make him go to church he will refuse. So, I just feel like it is all going to come out at once in the wrong way. 

Thanks for the advice by the way. I guess instead of announcing it ill just distance myself and if it comes out somehow then so be it.

Your brother complicates things, as your coming out might impact his life.  They might double down on him to make sure he is a good Christian if you tell them that you are an atheist.  After all, what they did with you was not enough to get the desired result, so your brother might go through hell if you tell your parents.  But it all depends on what your parents are like.

Really, it is impossible for us to know enough about the details of your situation to properly advise you.  I personally have never explicitly told my parents.  One of them is dead, and as I am far from young myself, the other is very, very old (older than most people reading this will probably ever be).  My mother would worry that I would burn in hell forever if she knew I was an atheist.  So why tell her?  If it would actually accomplish something useful, I would likely tell her, but I do not see any reason to do so.

In my case, some family members know, and some suspect.  But there is a difference between suspecting something and having it confirmed.

I don't bring up the subject in front of my mother or other overly religious relatives, and do not say anything to tell them that I do or do not believe in a god.  I feel no obligation to tell other people what I believe or don't believe.  That is, not generally.  I would not have married someone without discussing such things, and so my wife knows a good deal about my beliefs, and I know a good deal about her beliefs.  She is a nice atheist woman.  I recommend not settling for less.

But back to the topic at hand.  It is impossible for us to know whether telling them anything is a good idea or not.  So, if I were going to give generic advice, I would advise you not to tell them.  You will miss out on any possible benefit of telling them, but you avoid all problems associated with telling them.  Really, what do you gain by telling them?

Before someone goes on about honesty and not living a lie, blah, blah, blah, do you also tell them about your preferred sexual positions?  How often you masturbate, and what you think about when you do so?  Really, one does not need to tell everyone everything about one's life.  It does not make one dishonest to keep some things private.

[Pyrrho]

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I am moving on to college in two weeks so I will be out of the house thankfully. I am not dependent on their money either because I have a full scholarship to college. So, I do not think I will have much of a problem if they have a really negative reaction.

However, my brother still has to live with them for 4 more years. He has said to me that when I'm gone to college if they try to make him go to church he will refuse. So, I just feel like it is all going to come out at once in the wrong way. 

Thanks for the advice by the way. I guess instead of announcing it ill just distance myself and if it comes out somehow then so be it.

I gather you are more worried about hurting your parents or making life difficult for your brother anything else about coming out?  If so I like the simply distancing yourself idea.

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  However, I would think through in advance how you are going to handle it when your parents ask you about your brother, because that is probably going to happen.

I would advise him to say that they should ask his brother what he believes.  He can say he is not a mind reader, and so if they want to know what his brother his thinking, it would be better to ask him.  I would absolutely not tell my parents what my brother believes in such cases.  Besides, one's brother could change his mind since the last time he said anything, so the information might be out of date anyway.

It is not for him to decide whether or not his brother comes out.  That should be his brother's decision.