A Real Christian's(TM) guide to interpreting scripture!

[Longhorn]

After much research and praying I've completed a full Real Christian's™ guide for interpreting scripture. Here it is. You won't ever need to reconsider your beliefs again.

Does the verse contradict another verse, particularly one that you like?
Yes: oh no, that's not a contradiction. You just need to maximally stretch your interpretation. Don't pull a muscle

Does the verse coincide with modern morality?
Yes: totally literal.
No: just a metaphor, chill.

Does the verse mention a rule that you agree with?
Yes: this is the word of god yo. Dem da rules.
No: oh that's just OT jewish stuff, doesn't apply to us!

Does the verse coincide with modern science?
Yes: totes literal.
No: it's just like, a metaphor man(*)

Bonus points: can the verse be interpreted in such a way that it appears to describe a scientific fact?
Yes: proof of divine revelation!!1!!!!!1

The more you know.

(*)never, EVER bother to explain what the metaphor is actually FOR. It's enough that it's metaphorical.

[uniquepegasister]

Again you make my day

[Longhorn]

Again you make my day

Awww. Thanks


But it's like srs bsnss yo >:c

[uniquepegasister]

Im being completely honest that i have no idea what that last bit means

[Longhorn]

It's serious business. No joking around with Geesus >:c

[uniquepegasister]

Ah lol okie dokie

[Pyrrho]

After much research and praying I've completed a full Real Christian's™ guide for interpreting scripture. Here it is. You won't ever need to reconsider your beliefs again.

Does the verse contradict another verse, particularly one that you like?
Yes: oh no, that's not a contradiction. You just need to maximally stretch your interpretation. Don't pull a muscle

Does the verse coincide with modern morality?
Yes: totally literal.
No: just a metaphor, chill.

Does the verse mention a rule that you agree with?
Yes: this is the word of god yo. Dem da rules.
No: oh that's just OT jewish stuff, doesn't apply to us!

Does the verse coincide with modern science?
Yes: totes literal.
No: it's just like, a metaphor man(*)

Bonus points: can the verse be interpreted in such a way that it appears to describe a scientific fact?
Yes: proof of divine revelation!!1!!!!!1

The more you know.

(*)never, EVER bother to explain what the metaphor is actually FOR. It's enough that it's metaphorical.

You deserve an addition to your reputation just for your footnote alone.

Many people seem to be clueless idiots in imagining that calling something a "metaphor" means that there is no need for an explanation.  If something is a metaphor, it still needs to be a metaphor for something, and requires explanation when their evil god commands people to do evil things.

Too bad I already added to your reputation, or I would do so now.

You nonexistent, evil, incompetent bastard you!*


__________________________________________
*For those who need it, do a search of this forum for the words "nonexistent evil incompetent" without the quotes.

[Athene]

If you could tweak the text of your post of your text a little, add a Bible and some sandalwood scented bookmarks you could TOTALLY sell this as part of a boxed set at Heaven & Earth. I really believe that.

[vorlon13]

I'd add if a particular verse that is needed doesn't seem to exist, go ahead and just make it up.

[Longhorn]

If you could tweak the text of your post of your text a little, add a Bible and some sandalwood scented bookmarks you could TOTALLY sell this as part of a boxed set at Heaven & Earth. I really believe that.

You. You shall be head of my marketing department.

I'd add if a particular verse that is needed doesn't seem to exist, go ahead and just make it up.

Lying for Jesus is a separate guide coming out later this year. BUY IT