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The Very Model of a Modern Fundamentalist
September 9, 2015 at 12:08 pm
(This post was last modified: September 11, 2015 at 10:29 am by Tiberius.
Edit Reason: Corrected song author name in response to request from original author.
)
KIM DAVIS: THE OPERETTA (sung to the tune of Modern Major-General from The Pirates of Penzance)
The saga of Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refuses to issue marriage licenses because God told her not to, is worthy of an opera. Or at least an operetta. So with apologies to W.S. Gilbert, here is my stab at composing a patter song for her character.
by Jim Trumm
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist
I’m not merely judgmental, I’m the absolute judgmentalest!
I always follow scripture and I act on God’s authority
But marital longevity was never my priority.
I married first one husband, then two others, then another one
Because I think one man is pretty much like any other one.
I’ve never been too troubled by the dubious legalities
Of sex outside of marriage or of other trivialities.
But when it comes to icky stuff like homosexuality
I’m always very strident with my Puritan morality.
In short in matters biblical and spiritual and Calvinist,
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist!
In questions of behavior I fall back on my Old Testament
(Though saying no to shrimp is way too much of an impediment).
I pick and choose the verses that support my little weltanschauung
And pledge never to change my mind from now til götterdämmerung.
I’ll ride this hobby horse until I’m richer than a sybarite,
There’ll always be good money in denouncing godless sodomites.
I’ll put my name as author on some books that I can barely read
And get a show on cable to inform the world what God decreed.
My husbands all agree that I know more about what marriage is
Than five Supreme Court justices whose law my faith disparages.
In short in matters biblical and spiritual and Calvinist,
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist!
In fact, when I see what is meant by constitutionality
When I can do my job with requisite impartiality,
When I can join in marriage two young men who might be thespians,
Or issue nuptial licenses to enterprising lesbians,
When I can see that love is love no matter what the sexes are
And understand that gays are just like me and my three exes are,
In short, when I have finally got a dose of moral clarity
I’ll find out what is meant by the idea of Christian charity.
Til then I’ll flout the law and draw my wages from the county tax
Which is what God would do if only He was up on all the facts
Til then in matters biblical and spiritual and Calvinist,
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist!
A Christian told me: if you were saved you cant lose your salvation. you're sealed with the Holy Ghost
I replied: Can I refuse? Because I find the entire concept of vicarious blood sacrifice atonement to be morally abhorrent, the concept of holding flawed creatures permanently accountable for social misbehaviors and thought crimes to be morally abhorrent, and the concept of calling something "free" when it comes with the strings of subjugation and obedience perhaps the most morally abhorrent of all... and that's without even going into the history of justifying genocide, slavery, rape, misogyny, religious intolerance, and suppression of free speech which has been attributed by your own scriptures to your deity. I want a refund. I would burn happily rather than serve the monster you profess to love.
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RE: The Very Model of a Modern Fundamentalist
September 9, 2015 at 12:13 pm
Brilliant.
In case anyone doesn't know the tune.
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RE: The Very Model of a Modern Fundamentalist
September 9, 2015 at 12:33 pm
Oh. Yeah I guess I should have posted the tune. I forget that not everyone grew up with a theatre professor for a mother! :lol:
A Christian told me: if you were saved you cant lose your salvation. you're sealed with the Holy Ghost
I replied: Can I refuse? Because I find the entire concept of vicarious blood sacrifice atonement to be morally abhorrent, the concept of holding flawed creatures permanently accountable for social misbehaviors and thought crimes to be morally abhorrent, and the concept of calling something "free" when it comes with the strings of subjugation and obedience perhaps the most morally abhorrent of all... and that's without even going into the history of justifying genocide, slavery, rape, misogyny, religious intolerance, and suppression of free speech which has been attributed by your own scriptures to your deity. I want a refund. I would burn happily rather than serve the monster you profess to love.
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RE: The Very Model of a Modern Fundamentalist
September 9, 2015 at 12:33 pm
Stealing! Posting to FB.
"The family that prays together...is brainwashing their children."- Albert Einstein
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RE: The Very Model of a Modern Fundamentalist
September 9, 2015 at 2:14 pm
You may have missed a calling. Good stuff!
I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem.
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RE: The Very Model of a Modern Fundamentalist
September 9, 2015 at 2:18 pm
It's not mine! I just found it and thought it was worth posting here.
A Christian told me: if you were saved you cant lose your salvation. you're sealed with the Holy Ghost
I replied: Can I refuse? Because I find the entire concept of vicarious blood sacrifice atonement to be morally abhorrent, the concept of holding flawed creatures permanently accountable for social misbehaviors and thought crimes to be morally abhorrent, and the concept of calling something "free" when it comes with the strings of subjugation and obedience perhaps the most morally abhorrent of all... and that's without even going into the history of justifying genocide, slavery, rape, misogyny, religious intolerance, and suppression of free speech which has been attributed by your own scriptures to your deity. I want a refund. I would burn happily rather than serve the monster you profess to love.
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RE: The Very Model of a Modern Fundamentalist
September 10, 2015 at 12:55 pm
The above parody lyrics I attained from a forward on Facebook, and it turns out that someone along the way has changed the attribution.
I have been contacted by the original author of this parody, Jim Trumm, and told that the "ALAN SAVADA" name to which this has been attributed is the result of someone deliberately stripping his name from his original work and replacing it with other names, of which Savada is one.
I don't see how to correct it in the OP, since it has no "Edit" function, apparently... so if an Admin can change the name, I would request that they do so, in order that the original author be given proper credit.
A Christian told me: if you were saved you cant lose your salvation. you're sealed with the Holy Ghost
I replied: Can I refuse? Because I find the entire concept of vicarious blood sacrifice atonement to be morally abhorrent, the concept of holding flawed creatures permanently accountable for social misbehaviors and thought crimes to be morally abhorrent, and the concept of calling something "free" when it comes with the strings of subjugation and obedience perhaps the most morally abhorrent of all... and that's without even going into the history of justifying genocide, slavery, rape, misogyny, religious intolerance, and suppression of free speech which has been attributed by your own scriptures to your deity. I want a refund. I would burn happily rather than serve the monster you profess to love.
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RE: The Very Model of a Modern Fundamentalist
September 10, 2015 at 1:01 pm
(This post was last modified: September 11, 2015 at 10:29 am by Tiberius.
Edit Reason: Corrected song author name in response to request from original author.
)
(September 9, 2015 at 12:08 pm)TheRocketSurgeon Wrote: KIM DAVIS: THE OPERETTA (sung to the tune of Modern Major-General from The Pirates of Penzance)
The saga of Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refuses to issue marriage licenses because God told her not to, is worthy of an opera. Or at least an operetta. So with apologies to W.S. Gilbert, here is my stab at composing a patter song for her character.
by Jim Trumm
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist
I’m not merely judgmental, I’m the absolute judgmentalest!
I always follow scripture and I act on God’s authority
But marital longevity was never my priority.
I married first one husband, then two others, then another one
Because I think one man is pretty much like any other one.
I’ve never been too troubled by the dubious legalities
Of sex outside of marriage or of other trivialities.
But when it comes to icky stuff like homosexuality
I’m always very strident with my Puritan morality.
In short in matters biblical and spiritual and Calvinist,
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist!
In questions of behavior I fall back on my Old Testament
(Though saying no to shrimp is way too much of an impediment).
I pick and choose the verses that support my little weltanschauung
And pledge never to change my mind from now til götterdämmerung.
I’ll ride this hobby horse until I’m richer than a sybarite,
There’ll always be good money in denouncing godless sodomites.
I’ll put my name as author on some books that I can barely read
And get a show on cable to inform the world what God decreed.
My husbands all agree that I know more about what marriage is
Than five Supreme Court justices whose law my faith disparages.
In short in matters biblical and spiritual and Calvinist,
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist!
In fact, when I see what is meant by constitutionality
When I can do my job with requisite impartiality,
When I can join in marriage two young men who might be thespians,
Or issue nuptial licenses to enterprising lesbians,
When I can see that love is love no matter what the sexes are
And understand that gays are just like me and my three exes are,
In short, when I have finally got a dose of moral clarity
I’ll find out what is meant by the idea of Christian charity.
Til then I’ll flout the law and draw my wages from the county tax
Which is what God would do if only He was up on all the facts
Til then in matters biblical and spiritual and Calvinist,
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist!
You should start compiling your own book of poetry, RocketSurgeon.
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RE: The Very Model of a Modern Fundamentalist
September 10, 2015 at 4:19 pm
It's not mine!!! And it's not from the guy to whom I attributed it, either.
Which is too bad. I feel horrible that I posted something with a false authorial attribution.
A Christian told me: if you were saved you cant lose your salvation. you're sealed with the Holy Ghost
I replied: Can I refuse? Because I find the entire concept of vicarious blood sacrifice atonement to be morally abhorrent, the concept of holding flawed creatures permanently accountable for social misbehaviors and thought crimes to be morally abhorrent, and the concept of calling something "free" when it comes with the strings of subjugation and obedience perhaps the most morally abhorrent of all... and that's without even going into the history of justifying genocide, slavery, rape, misogyny, religious intolerance, and suppression of free speech which has been attributed by your own scriptures to your deity. I want a refund. I would burn happily rather than serve the monster you profess to love.
Posts: 1
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Joined: September 10, 2015
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0
RE: The Very Model of a Modern Fundamentalist
September 11, 2015 at 9:18 am
(September 9, 2015 at 12:08 pm)TheRocketSurgeon Wrote: I am the author of this satirical piece. Alan Savada is falsely named as the author. I request that the by-line be changed or the post be removed. The lyrics were originally published by me on September 3, 2015 at 5:46 AM EDT. The lyrics have been copyrighted by me and registered with the US Copyright Office (file #1-2690807231).
KIM DAVIS: THE OPERETTA (sung to the tune of Modern Major-General from The Pirates of Penzance)
The saga of Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refuses to issue marriage licenses because God told her not to, is worthy of an opera. Or at least an operetta. So with apologies to W.S. Gilbert, here is my stab at composing a patter song for her character.
by ALAN SAVADA
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist
I’m not merely judgmental, I’m the absolute judgmentalest!
I always follow scripture and I act on God’s authority
But marital longevity was never my priority.
I married first one husband, then two others, then another one
Because I think one man is pretty much like any other one.
I’ve never been too troubled by the dubious legalities
Of sex outside of marriage or of other trivialities.
But when it comes to icky stuff like homosexuality
I’m always very strident with my Puritan morality.
In short in matters biblical and spiritual and Calvinist,
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist!
In questions of behavior I fall back on my Old Testament
(Though saying no to shrimp is way too much of an impediment).
I pick and choose the verses that support my little weltanschauung
And pledge never to change my mind from now til götterdämmerung.
I’ll ride this hobby horse until I’m richer than a sybarite,
There’ll always be good money in denouncing godless sodomites.
I’ll put my name as author on some books that I can barely read
And get a show on cable to inform the world what God decreed.
My husbands all agree that I know more about what marriage is
Than five Supreme Court justices whose law my faith disparages.
In short in matters biblical and spiritual and Calvinist,
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist!
In fact, when I see what is meant by constitutionality
When I can do my job with requisite impartiality,
When I can join in marriage two young men who might be thespians,
Or issue nuptial licenses to enterprising lesbians,
When I can see that love is love no matter what the sexes are
And understand that gays are just like me and my three exes are,
In short, when I have finally got a dose of moral clarity
I’ll find out what is meant by the idea of Christian charity.
Til then I’ll flout the law and draw my wages from the county tax
Which is what God would do if only He was up on all the facts
Til then in matters biblical and spiritual and Calvinist,
I am the very model of a modern fundamentalist!
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