Is there a solution to this problem?

[Ace Otana]

Ok, I've spent months thinking this one over to only end up confused.

Ok so I've had this huge crush on this girl for over 10 years and she to me. We've never talked as we are both as shy as each other. Now 3 years ago I left town and lost all contact with her, then 3 years later I regain contact after coming back, only to find that she is single but now has a 2 year old daughter. Now here's the problem, I can't afford to have/raise kids and further more, I don't want kids. We still have strong feelings for each other but can't think of a solution to this problem. Can any of you?

So after months of thought and failed to find a way around this problem, I thought I'd try the think tank (atheist forums).

[Tiberius]

If you are both atheists, you can cook the child (I suggest mint sauce).

Seriously though, go be with her. I'm sure she won't ask you to raise her, or be financially involved. Besides, you might end up warming to her in the long run. We only live once Ace, so for fuck's sake, go get the girl.

[leo-rcc]

There is no way around this problem, her daughter is as much (even more so) a part of her life as you are. There is no sidestepping around that.

[Ace Otana]

Seriously though, go be with her. I'm sure she won't ask you to raise her, or be financially involved. Besides, you might end up warming to her in the long run. We only live once Ace, so for fuck's sake, go get the girl.

Might be a touch difficult. I'd feel guilty about not providing any financial aid. I don't want any involvment in bringing up kids. Can't really rely on her ex (the father) as he doesn't give a damn about his child. So he won't help in anyway. It would feel odd if I moved in with her and her little girl and did nothing to help raise her. It would feel ackward. The fact that I can't support her money wise and emotionly. Wouldn't feel right.

There is no way around this problem, her daughter is as much (even more so) a part of her life as you are. There is no sidestepping around that.

That's the problem. I can't see a way around that. I love her but can't afford kids and nor do I want any. I'm not emotionly ready for that. I've already hinted that I don't think anything can happen with us on facebook.

I just can't see a way around this one.

[Paul the Human]

I think you would be surprised. Be with the girl and the kid will grow on you. Before you even know it, you won't be able to imagine life without the kid. Financially is one thing... but the 'I don't want to raise a kid' part would change whether you wanted it to or not.

[Ace Otana]

I think you would be surprised. Be with the girl and the kid will grow on you. Before you even know it, you won't be able to imagine life without the kid. Financially is one thing... but the 'I don't want to raise a kid' part would change whether you wanted it to or not.

I am affraid of becoming someone I'm not. Having a child would be demanding. The whole thing doesn't feel right. I've looked after kids before and I didn't enjoy it.
I have heard rumours that she drinks and has even taken drugs at some point. What is known is that she smokes and that she has her own place but other than that I know nothing about her.

There is another problem that I don't think can be fixed. You see, she has noticed my little hint online and hasn't been online for a good few days now. I can only wonder what she is thinking. She used to be online constantly and wouldn't go offline when I'm online, now she's never online. I don't even see her around the town centre anymore.

[Paul the Human]

Ah. Well, perhaps a solution has already presented itself then? That's a shame, really. As you said, though, you really don't know much about her, so it's possible you wouldn't be right for each other anyway.

A friend of mine felt the same as you. He didn't want children, didn't particularly like them, and had no desire to 'inherit' one by getting involved with a single mother. So, he began dating a girl with a 6 year old son, because he really liked her. They would see each other a couple of times per week while the boy was with a babysitter and their relationship began to grow. Eventually, he had dinner with her and her parents... and her son. Two years later they broke up and the hardest part about it was losing the boy. He no longer speaks to the ex-girlfriend, but has remained friends with her parents and still makes an effort to see the boy. The child found his way into my friend's heart far more than the ex-girlfriend ever managed to do. Being the 'Father figure' to a young child is a lot more rewarding than you might imagine if you have never done so.

By the way... I'm a father... so my point of view in this matter is a bit biased. Heheh.

[Ace Otana]

That's what I fear. She likes to go out to pubs, drink, smoke but I hate all that. I prefure thrilling and sometimes dangerous sports, walking long distances and walking up the sides of small mountins and such. We are quite differant in interest wise. Though that's probably one of many reasons why she likes me. I'm also accident prone.

For some reason, the idea of being with her 3 years ago felt more right and comforting than now. It's because the situation has changed and I know less about her now than I did before.

Because the child is not mine, if we ever did break up, I'd probably just walk out of both of their lives.

I don't feel comfortable with the whole thing.

[fr0d0]

Relationships are about compromise. They never 'aren't'. A variety of interests is healthy/ can sometimes make for a better relationship. I'd say : go with your feelings. Over rationalising in respect to relationships is stultifying. I don't think you'd venture out of the house if you thought too much about it. Life is for the taking... you gotz to grab it.

Regarding the kid : you're showing your responsibility to the subject. I agree totally with Paul.. you're never going to know before you commit... then it 'just is'.

[Ace Otana]

Hey honey.

I'm ok with the whole compromise thing, it all really depends on what I'm compromising.
Also, going with my feelings wouldn't really work since my feelings can't seem to agree with each other. One side says grab her, the other says walk away.

I don't think you'd venture out of the house if you thought too much about it. Life is for the taking... you gotz to grab it.

There are many things I have grabbed in life, including endless oral sex with a few girls I know. Never been so wet in my life.

I really want to hold and kiss her but knowing the situation is a tad tricky makes things difficult.
Anyway, even if I did decide to go full steam ahead towards her, I still have to see if she'll respond. I've sent 2 messages a good while ago and there was no responce. I don't even know where she lives.

What I do want to do above all else is to sit down and talk with her. Maybe we can sort something out but first, I've got to think of something to say/put in a message and then await her reply (if she replies).
Another strong point of mine is diplomacy. How does one regain contact with someone who maybe upset?
I'm going to try and do what I can to arrange a little chat with her but there is no way to tell if anything will happen afterwards.