Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[brewer]

Now I have no one to comfort me. I have to do this alone.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxi...roups.aspx

[Seraphina]

I'd also like to add, Stimbo, that I've not lost someone who was close to me suddenly but I've heard other people's stories of losing a loved one - and your feelings of "if only I did this or I shouldn't have done that and they would still be alive" is quite common. You're definitely not the only one who has felt at fault for another's passing even though it really wasn't.

-Teresa

[Joods]

Steve,

My heart hurts for you. I know you probably don't believe it and that's okay. But here's the thing I'd like you to think about - Sam would never want you to continue to mentally beat yourself up over this. She just wouldn't.

In order for you to truly move on, you need to start letting go of the past. Listen to some of the advice on here and let some of that marinate because, without sugar coating anything - no one is ever going to replace Sam, nor should they want to. But if you want to move forward, it's not fair to anyone you meet to compare them to her or to the love you had for her. I think maybe you fear that if you allow yourself to love someone else, that you will forget about Sam.

Trust me - you won't. Allow yourself to set your emotions free. To set your mind free so that you can mentally get to a healthy state and realize that perhaps someone is out there looking for you. Not what you had with Sam, because that's something that was unique and special between the two of you. But think about what you could have with a new person, if you only allow it.

And for the record - stop saying you are ugly. You aren't ugly and I rather think that's an insult to Sam's tastes because obviously she found you handsome, fell in love and married you. Sam would never want to see all the negativity and thoughts of despair that you carry around with you. She would want you to be happy and to move on with your life. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for her. 

You don't have to take any of the advice offered here, but I kinda think it's progress when you are willing to allow others to step inside your private space and offer an olive branch so that you can learn to move on with your life in a positive way. Whether you believe it or not - many people here really do love you.  We've gotten to know you and some of us have felt your pain. I, for one, will never forget the front door incident. That is something that will stay with me for life because of the love that a bunch of internet friends (read: family) have for you and were concerned enough about your life that an intervention through a lot of phone calls was necessary. None of that would have happened if we didn't care about you. It's a comforting thought to know that people from literally other continents were worried enough about you to prompt calls to save your life. 

If you don't think anyone out here loves you, then honestly, I really don't know what to tell you. None of us can take away your pain, but we can all try our best to encourage you to rediscover who you are so that you can learn to love yourself. You can't love anyone else until you learn to do that first and it wouldn't be fair to ask someone to love you if you can't even love yourself.

Once you come to the conclusion that you and you alone are responsible for your own happiness, then you can offer that happiness to a relationship to make it whole. But, if you are looking for someone else to make you happy - it'll never work. It comes from inside you. Learn to recognize it and allow it to grow and maybe the next person you meet will see the wonderful person that Sam saw in you. And maybe, just maybe, you can allow yourself to be loved again. 

For what it's worth - if I lived near you, I'd like to date you. I've seen your pictures and have heard your voice thanks to the staff interviews. I gotta say - there's something about a British accent that I happen to find attractive. My only condition would be that you had to make an actual effort to start loving yourself again and to allow yourself to be truly happy. 

I think perhaps it's time to evict yourself from the past because you don't live there anymore.

 This is the most beautiful post that I've read on here: your words glow with eloquence, warmth, and compassion, Joods. FWIW, you've made my day and inspired me. Thanks.

Awe... you're welcome, KS. Honestly, I just want Steve to get to his happy place because I know there's a wonderful person inside waiting to see the world.

[The Valkyrie]

This is what I like about this group.

We laugh, we joke, we're frivolous.

But when we see one of our members hurting we rally around them.

It's like we evil atheists have morals and empathy!

[Joods]

I'd also like to add, Stimbo, that I've not lost someone who was close to me suddenly but I've heard other people's stories of losing a loved one - and your feelings of "if only I did this or I shouldn't have done that and they would still be alive" is quite common. You're definitely not the only one who has felt at fault for another's passing even though it really wasn't.

-Teresa

And sometimes it's not even death. I found out Jordan was going to be born with Down syndrome 10 days before she was born. Ten. Days. I grieved the loss of a "normal" child for three days. I cried. I blamed myself. I wondered what I could have done differently during my pregnancy. I had quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant. I had tried to eat healthy. What did I do wrong?

Then I got in touch with a local Down Syndrome parent group and met families who had children with DS, ranging from a few years old to one that was in college. Yes college. This gave me hope. I stopped feeling guilty and started dreaming of all of the things my daughter could learn to do. There was hope. 

I also learned that because it was a chromosomal abnormality, there wasn't anything I could or couldn't have done to prevent it because DS occurs at the moment of conception, when the pairs of chromosomes from each parent split in half to make the DNA of the baby. For some reason or another, the pair numbered 21, fails to split in either the mother or the father and the child ends up with three chromosomes numbered 21, thus calling Down syndrome by its medical name: Trisomy 21.

The point is: It wasn't my fault. 

I stopped blaming myself, got involved in my daughter's upcoming birth, made arrangements ahead of time with my perinatalogist (an obstetrician specializing in high risk pregnancies) for her to be born at a hospital more suited to take care of her in a NICU and looked forward to her birth. It was a celebration, not a disappointment, so from that day on, her life was worth celebrating. 

Bonus thought here:

She came into this world weighing just 5 pounds 7 ounces and just shy of 18 inches long, after an emergency c-section. Her first surgery was at 11 hours old. The first time I saw her, she was three hours old and OMG I finally knew what it felt like to actually be in love with another human. She spent nearly a month in the NICU, despite being born on time. This child, my child, was my entire reason for living. No longer did I look to blame myself for her having Down syndrome. In the years since, she's taught me patience (didn't walk until she was 3 years old) (didn't say "mama" until she was five years old), she's taught me courage (she's had a total of five surgeries), she's taught me kindness (she radiates a beautiful soul towards others because she's an empath) and she's taught me what it's like to love a special needs person. She's my hero.

---

This is what I like about this group.

We laugh, we joke, we're frivolous.

But when we see one of our members hurting we rally around them.

It's like we evil atheists have morals and empathy!

Who woulda thunk it?

We're actually sweet, decent people.

[c172]

It's like we evil atheists have morals and empathy!

That's ickypoo!

*runs off to The Rock Church for a good cranial lavage*

[Kernel Sohcahtoa]

This is what I like about this group.

We laugh, we joke, we're frivolous.

But when we see one of our members hurting we rally around them.

It's like we evil atheists have morals and empathy!

That is an interesting observation.  Perhaps I should claim the title of lead villain: I can do a pretty decent villain voice (authoritative, commanding, sinister etc.), so I'm sure that the people who blindly/negatively stereotype atheists would be convinced that I'm a wicked, evil individual.

[The Valkyrie]

This is what I like about this group.

We laugh, we joke, we're frivolous.

But when we see one of our members hurting we rally around them.

It's like we evil atheists have morals and empathy!

That is an interesting observation.  Perhaps I should claim the title of lead villain: I can do a pretty decent villain voice (authoritative, commanding, sinister etc.), so I'm sure that the people who blindly/negatively stereotype atheists would be convinced that I'm a wicked, evil individual.

Well, I can do a good impression of Vyvyan from the Young Ones.

That counts as a villain, right?

[vorlon13]

This is what I like about this group.

We laugh, we joke, we're frivolous.

But when we see one of our members hurting we rally around them.

It's like we evil atheists have morals and empathy!

If I had 2 dead Christian babies I'd give you one.

[Seraphina]

This is what I like about this group.

We laugh, we joke, we're frivolous.

But when we see one of our members hurting we rally around them.

It's like we evil atheists have morals and empathy!

Shhhh...Don't let the cat out of the bag, I have an evil atheist reputation to keep up.

-Teresa