Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[robvalue]

Sorry things are so hard on you, but I'm glad poetry night went well.

[Joods]

Thanks squishy, love. Yes, I was referring to my back pain, but also towards my other half. When I came out of my procedure, it was made perfectly clear to him that for 48 hours I was not to lift, carry, push, pull, bend over or otherwise exert myself. Yet today I found myself doing some of those very things. And the man watched me do them full well knowing I shouldn't have had to. So yeah, I was pissy.

Broke down and took a damn pain pill earlier too.

---

And to add...this isn't muscle pain. It's seven herniated discs from my mid to lower back, stemming from a car accident 20-some years ago.

I'm sorry your husband was so insensitive *hugs* I hope you're feeling better now

I'm used to it. I took another pain pill and went to sleep.

[Edwardo Piet]

CIJS

In the last couple of weeks I've been yelled at, thrown stuff at, pushed, choked, followed, shut down. One year worth of text messages were printed (I had no idea Verizon backup worked this way, stupid me) and thrown at me in my kitchen. I finally explain to a friend what's going on, and he doesn't understand why I still went through with poetry night, or how I'm being "normal".

This isn't normal. To be literally trembling at night, afraid to call the police, afraid not to, feeling fear mixed with "I feel bad for this person"... this is not normal. To get up and go to work and make my usual jokes like my wall was not just crashed into because I didn't open the door, not normal. To go to my usual spot, have a beer, cry, and laugh at the same time trying to pretend I'm not noticing that I'm fucking crying again... not normal. To realize I left you a YEAR ago and tried leaving you (left you, on and off) for three or four years before that, yet this continues... not fucking normal. That my dad had to drive into town from out of state and basically guard my house all week... not normal at all.

Poetry night was a success. I named it "Naked on a Poetry Night" and it was a no censorship event. People shared raw material and it was great. I introduced each poet all the while looking at the back to make sure you didn't somehow get in.

My poem "Familiar Corpses"... I do wish you had heard it, though. My poem "Letter of Resignation", I wish you heard it. Heh. Knowing you, you probably did. There's court on Monday. Things are finally being taken care of. Letting my people take over is the best thing I could have done. As I lay there like a corpse that can see, I feel like I'm watching the story unfold and the mystery solved all while I just lay there. I'm thinking wow! They found the clues! Maybe I could have lived just a little longer if I had let them in sooner. This is almost over for good and it feels like the storm is at its worst, but it's about to end forever. How do you live when everything is in fact normal? I don't remember. I don't remember.

Cijs? To my friends that stuck by me through thick and thin, that held on to me even when I gave up on myself, who probably got tired of watching me run in place, yet here you are... I will never forget what you have done. Real life friends, and also those I never met in person. I fucking love you!

You are extremely wonderful Ivy and I'm so glad it's all going to be finally over. You're a wonderful friend and I'm here if you need me

[Thumpalumpacus]

I'm sorry times are so tough for you, Ivy. Wish I had more than these words to offer for help.

[Edwardo Piet]

CIJS

MY O.C.D. HAS TEMPORARILY TURNED OFF

Holy crap and I felt free for a few hours... so fucking free. But rather uneasy.

The uneasiness became emptiness. My life felt meaningless. My depression got worse and worse until a few minutes ago when a new compulsion hit me and now I feel super alive and safe and stable and comforted again.

That's messed up. Without my compulsions I feel dead and alone and like I'm wandering through pointlessness.

Anyway, I guess it's all about managing it.

I have had them since I was 12 year old so I suppose they are such a part of me now that I don't feel alive without them. I just have to moderate this next one.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Mindfulness, my friend.

[Edwardo Piet]

Mindfulness is something I've never had any success with. Occupying myself and ignoring my thoughts seems to work better than paying attention to them.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Mindfulness is not about focusing on one's thoughts. It is about establishing distance from one's emotions for the purpose of obtaining a more objective viewpoint ... With the object of letting go those emotions so that they don't define us.

[Foxaèr]

I never trust a smile, because something awful is always hiding behind it.

[Thumpalumpacus]

That hasn't been my experience. I much prefer smiles to scowls, because I trust my own ability to size someone up for sincerity.