The Peacemaking Thread

[Thumpalumpacus]

I allow them to happen, but I don't allow them to rule me, insofar as that's possible.

Which often times is impossible. I think your post already implies that.

Indeed, and I regard those times as failures.

That, too, is a feeling, which I won't invest in. I find I'm much more content, as a preson, watching the wheel of my emotions -- it's kind of like when we were kids at the airport, watching planes land and take off, but none carrying me anywhere.

I've found that both happiness and unhappiness are both transient. Rather than get attached to minor emotions which bring on those meta-emotions, it seems better to me to let go of them, and use their comings and goings for sake of analysis.

[abaris]

Indeed, and I regard those times as failures.

I see them as opportunities to reflect. Especially on my own prejudices. None of us is entirely free of those. Sometimes I'm ashamed of my thoughts, but I never view them as failures. Just something to work on.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Make the consequences for non-peaceful resolution too terrible to consider.  If you want peace, prepare for war.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

Or, to be less flippant:

Love is wise, hatred is foolish. In this world which is getting more and more closely interconnected, we have to learn to tolerate each other, we have to learn to put up with the fact that some people say things that we don’t like. We can only live together in that way — and if we are to live together and not die together, we must learn a kind of charity and a kind of tolerance, which is absolutely vital to the continuation of human life on this planet.

If we fight war with war we're only going to destroy the world faster... and more brutally.

I think his point was not to engage in war -- on a personal level -- but rather, be strong enough emotionally to carry it through if need be.

'Tis better to leave shitty moments behind, no doubt. But when you have someone in your life who is bent on imposing their unhappiness on you, it's good to be strong enough to issue a slapdown and sail on, unconcerned.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Indeed, and I regard those times as failures.

I see them as opportunities to reflect. Especially on my own prejudices. None of us is entirely free of those. Sometimes I'm ashamed of my thoughts, but I never view them as failures. Just something to work on.

We're probably using different words to express the same thoughts, I think. They are certainly cause for reflection, all the more so when I'm so weak that I cling to them.

[Iroscato]

Vanquish my foes so utterly and decisively that they have no choice but to prostrate themselves before me or perish at my hand.

Peace on my terms, or destruction.

[Iroscato]

Also compromise, talking it out, and hugs.

[Edwardo Piet]

And buttsex. Lots and lots of buttsex.

[Kernel Sohcahtoa]

The way I make peace these days is to remember that almost everyone thinks differently about almost everything and that, whether wrong or right, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Once I've got that mindset in place I go into it unplanned with the realisation that peace is not always achievable and that pushing your desired outcome can quite easily make things worse.

This is an excellent point, Little Lunch.  Overall, it is important to make peace with the fact that conflict is inevitable.  No matter how eloquent, intelligent, diplomatic, and graceful people may be in their peacemaking efforts, there will always be individuals who take offense and misunderstand the intended meaning.   In the worst cases, these individuals may get defensive, resort to personal attacks, and fortify themselves behind barriers of misunderstanding.   As a result, the peacemaking process may not be possible at that time; however, there are creative approaches that can clarify misunderstanding and possibly nudge conflict past impasse. 

One possible approach is via a peacemaking technique that I learned from William Ury, which is negotiation jiu-jitsu, or the art of deflecting intense emotions and aggressive behavior with depersonalization and inquiry.  For example, when another person is voicing his or her disagreement or position in an unconstructive manner, it is imperative to allow him or her to vent and to speak uninterrupted: as this person speaks, we then separate the person from the problem (this is hard to do, but it is truly awesome once you get the hang of it), which allows us to focus on the content of the message and possibly uncover the individual's underlying interests; thus, clarifying miscommunications and validating why a reasonable, decent person would behave in that manner. Hence, this technique is useful in the following ways: it diffuses intense emotions and builds safety; it enables the parties to understand their conflict in different ways; it validates and humanizes the other person.    
 
References

Ury, William. (2011). Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In.  Penguin books: New York.

[robvalue]

Don't tell me that my pragmatic experience-based statement informally presented as fact is "also a non-falsifiable philosophical truth statement". I can forgive many things, but I can only go so far.

[Edwardo Piet]

Overall, it is important to make peace with the fact that conflict is inevitable.  No matter how eloquent, intelligent, diplomatic, and graceful people may be in their peacemaking efforts, there will always be individuals who take offense and misunderstand the intended meaning.   In the worst cases, these individuals may get defensive, resort to personal attacks, and fortify themselves behind barriers of misunderstanding. 

This. And my italics.