My First AA Meetings

[vorlon13]

I first stepped at an LGBT meeting in '86.

One day a time thru all manner of highs and lows . . . .

[Aegon]

I'm really happy that you're moving towards recovery. Alcohol was never my problem, stims were (prescription amphetamines, mostly, but I would IV meth when I could get it) I had a complete dependency on them. I couldn't function without them. Any little thing I need to do, I needed speed. I'd go on 2 to 3 day binges with no sleep and little food because I couldn't stand a second of comedown. Haven't touched any of that in a little less than 6 months; before that it had been 3 months. The craving is still there but so many positive things have happened in my life I've been successfully ignoring it.

(Warning: spiritual "mumbo jumbo" ahead)

I think the religious aspect of AA is beneficial for everybody. You just have to realize that your "God" is not theirs. My addiction is what got me interested in Taoism and the lectures of Alan Watts. The idea that you are God because you are everything. Does it matter what made us and why we are here if you are not able to enjoy and experience it? Without you there is no life because if you didn't exist there would be no experience. Your body and mind are the amazing byproduct of billions of years of evolution. Why should you be destroying it with these substances that alienate us so much from our friends and family? Spirituality does not need religious belief.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bX8D0yU0pMc

So the AA meetings that talk about God should never make atheists feel excluded. Atheists should just realize that "God" can mean a plethora of things. For me, "God" is me. "God" is my connection with those around me. "God" is my connection with the world and the universe. And when I needed stims to function, that connection with "God" was severed, and I suffered for it. I'm much happier now. And I hope you are happier as you restore your connection with "God."

And in the spirit of the Tao, trying to force a feeling of euphoria on myself with hard drugs is completely against the natural flow of my existence. How could I truly be living an enjoyable life if I relied on a foreign substance to make me feel whole? I can't. It is impossible to force one's self into that feeling, and I will only experience pushback and only negative things will come of it. And this line of thought helps me stop from going back. Because I'm happier now, knowing that the joy I feel is natural and not a byproduct of my substance abuse. 

I hope that wasn't too much spirituality talk. I know some users here aren't a fan of that sort of talk, and find it too similar to religious belief. But I think it can help those who are struggling like this.

[Edwardo Piet]

Gemini,

As your friend I am always extremely proud of you and what an awesome person you are, and every day that goes by where you go without alcohol... I'm even more proud of you. You can do it, it can be done, setbacks are setbacks, however insurmountable they feel the important thing to remember is that nothing is ever quite as permanent or insurmountable as it feels or seems. Every day you go without alcohol is a success and the more successes the better.

I'm always super proud of you, because of who and how you are, regardless of whether it's a day of success or failure, I'm simply even more proud of you when you succeed.

You're a beautiful person both within and without and don't you forget that,

With lots of platonic love and hugs from your friend,

Hammy

[Edwardo Piet]

I'm sure you've heard this, but admission is the first step to recovery.  So at least pat yourself on the back for that.  It's a huge step in the right direction.

This!

Proud of you, Gemma.

[Thumpalumpacus]

I hadn't touched my vodka in five days. I don't know what I expected to happen when I opened the freezer and grabbed that bottle. I hadn't really thought about it. 

It was like an electric shock went through me. My heart quickened and thousands of memories rushed into my head all at once. Thousands of memories of walking through the front door after a day of work and heading directly to the kitchen to pour myself two shots. Memories of the shots that followed. Hazy, obscure, one blurring into another, trailing off into blackouts. 

I unscrewed the cap and poured the cold, clear liquid out into the sink. I watched it trickle away into nothingness. My god of oblivion. Farewell. 

For one more day, at least. What tomorrow will bring, I don't know. I'm desperate to go back to him.

But on that day I had a friend to meet. I'd met her the night before, at my second AA meeting--an LGBT-friendly group that met in a Unitarian Universalist group. But tonight we were going to a different group. 

We hugged and she introduced me to one of her friends, and then this transgender heathen darkened the door of a baptist church. 

In the LGBT group, the theistic elements of AA seemed to be more of a formality. Not so here. Most everyone who shared felt that God was an important part of their recovery. 

There was a time when listening to that much talk of religion would have irked me, but I guess when you're desperate enough to go to AA, that doesn't matter anymore. And I'm desperate. I left the meeting with streaks of mascara below my eyes. 

I'm stunned at where the last six months have taken me. Six months ago I posted here that I was drinking too much, but it wasn't causing me any problems, so it was tough to find the motivation to quit. My goal was to become a moderate drinker. 

Except that's bullshit. Complete bullshit. I've never been a moderate drinker. I've never come close. I had this idea in my head that one day I would get to the point where I had no more than the recommended seven drinks per week, but my actual goal was not to drink more than ten per day. That was a goal I could hit. Sometimes.

Too often I've found myself in the bathroom making myself throw up because I knew if I didn't, I wouldn't make it work in the morning. Or I would wake up a couple hours after passing out and try to get some food and coffee in me while I still could, then fight my way through the day through sheer willpower.

There are days when I couldn't even do that. When I'd called in sick, or gone in to work and then made some excuse to leave. Trying not to be sick in my car is a thing I do nowadays. As is pulling over by the side of the road and heaving my guts out onto the asphalt.

Then there are days off from work. Drinking at breakfast. Throwing up by the afternoon. Pass out for a couple hours, then stumble into the kitchen and pour myself some more vodka. Next day watch the video my husband took of me, doing things I don't remember.

I've had a million excuses for my drinking, but the truth is I drink because I'm an alcoholic. When I start drinking, I don't stop. I just take breaks now and then. Just enough of a break to get over the hangover and make the money I need to keep drinking.

At the meetings they say to take things one day at a time, and that's what I'm trying to do. Make it through one more day without drinking. 

Today is day six without alcohol. I haven't slept much. My nervous system is still used to being awash in depressants. Desperate to drink and desperate not to. 
Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. 

I'm Gemma, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hon, it's a tough road, but you've come to some solid conclusions, and made some realizations that are vital to your recovery. You've taken the most important step, to abandon denialism, and made a great start with six clear days AND pouring it down the drain.

There are a lot of secular resources available; AA is one way to recovery but hardly the only one. I'm on my phone right now, but when I'm home and on my laptop I'll PM more. We're in this together. We can do this!

((((Gem))))

I'm Darrell, and I'm an alcoholic.

[account_inactive]

Well done.

[Doubting Thomas]

I've never had a substance addiction, so I can't really relate to what it's like. But just know that I'm pulling for you. I'm pulling for all of you to end your addictions which are harming your lives.

[Gemini]

Thanks, guys. I love you. 

I'm lying on the couch petting a kitten. That's about all my brain is good for right now. Hopefully I'll sleep tonight.

[Minimalist]

https://youtu.be/-_IlNbsILLE

[Faith No More]

Thanks, guys. I love you. 

I'm lying on the couch petting a kitten. That's about all my brain is good for right now. Hopefully I'll sleep tonight.

Take care, and don't hesitate to go to the ER if you start feeling really badly. Alcohol withdrawal can be incredibly dangerous.