My baby's autopsy report finally came back... which we've been waiting for since he died in August.
They confirmed a lot of the stuff they saw on the sonogram: poor brain development, delayed anatomical development, an enlarged and dysfunctional placenta, and some deformities to the face. They were not able to confirm or rule out that he had spina bifida, which was something else they thought they might have seen on the sonogram.
Unfortunately, they were still not able to give any answers as to WHY this all happened, either. Genetic testing of his DNA showed us months ago that his genes were fine. So a chromosomal abnormality such as down syndrome or Edwards syndrome had already been ruled out. They were not able to positively identify whether there was an infection present that may have caused all this, either. So yeah. We've waited for months for this autopsy to come back, and are still no wiser now than we were on the day we found out he had problems, back in July.
The scariest part about not knowing is that I don't know what to do to prevent this from happening again. It would be extremely difficult for me to have a child with disabilities. It would emotionally destroy me to see my child struggle though life... especially knowing how sensitive both my husband and I are and assuming my child would be just as sensitive as us. For him to have to deal with such difficulties would break my heart.
On Dec 1st, we are meeting with a geneticist to see if any further testing can be done on myself and my husband that might help shed some light, if at all possible. Until then, we still can't try for another baby yet.
And honestly don't even want a baby anymore. I just want one because I want to have one for my husband... and so we can be a family. But the prospect of being pregnant again and going to the OB for sonograms in fear of what they might find is absolutely terrifying to me and is already giving me a lot of anxiety. If it was entirely up to me, and if my husband didn't care about being a dad, I would just say "forget it". Not because I don't want a baby, but because of the fear. I was in a tremendously dark place during the portion of my pregnancy when I knew my baby had major problems.
Another fear of mine is that I'm getting older and that I'll never be able to have the healthy babies that I always envisioned being able to have with my husband. What if I can't get pregnant again? What if they just keep dying? What if I'm able to have one but he/she is severely defected like the last one was, and I'm not able to have a healthy one after that? I'm running out of time here. I'm not young enough to afford this.
For any theists reading this, please pray for me. So that I may have the strength to endure whatever is to come. If my meeting with the geneticist turns up nothing and gives us no further answers, I feel all I can do at that point is put my faith in God and in myself to get through whatever comes of all this.
They confirmed a lot of the stuff they saw on the sonogram: poor brain development, delayed anatomical development, an enlarged and dysfunctional placenta, and some deformities to the face. They were not able to confirm or rule out that he had spina bifida, which was something else they thought they might have seen on the sonogram.
Unfortunately, they were still not able to give any answers as to WHY this all happened, either. Genetic testing of his DNA showed us months ago that his genes were fine. So a chromosomal abnormality such as down syndrome or Edwards syndrome had already been ruled out. They were not able to positively identify whether there was an infection present that may have caused all this, either. So yeah. We've waited for months for this autopsy to come back, and are still no wiser now than we were on the day we found out he had problems, back in July.
The scariest part about not knowing is that I don't know what to do to prevent this from happening again. It would be extremely difficult for me to have a child with disabilities. It would emotionally destroy me to see my child struggle though life... especially knowing how sensitive both my husband and I are and assuming my child would be just as sensitive as us. For him to have to deal with such difficulties would break my heart.
On Dec 1st, we are meeting with a geneticist to see if any further testing can be done on myself and my husband that might help shed some light, if at all possible. Until then, we still can't try for another baby yet.
And honestly don't even want a baby anymore. I just want one because I want to have one for my husband... and so we can be a family. But the prospect of being pregnant again and going to the OB for sonograms in fear of what they might find is absolutely terrifying to me and is already giving me a lot of anxiety. If it was entirely up to me, and if my husband didn't care about being a dad, I would just say "forget it". Not because I don't want a baby, but because of the fear. I was in a tremendously dark place during the portion of my pregnancy when I knew my baby had major problems.
Another fear of mine is that I'm getting older and that I'll never be able to have the healthy babies that I always envisioned being able to have with my husband. What if I can't get pregnant again? What if they just keep dying? What if I'm able to have one but he/she is severely defected like the last one was, and I'm not able to have a healthy one after that? I'm running out of time here. I'm not young enough to afford this.
For any theists reading this, please pray for me. So that I may have the strength to endure whatever is to come. If my meeting with the geneticist turns up nothing and gives us no further answers, I feel all I can do at that point is put my faith in God and in myself to get through whatever comes of all this.
"Of course, everyone will claim they respect someone who tries to speak the truth, but in reality, this is a rare quality. Most respect those who speak truths they agree with, and their respect for the speaking only extends as far as their realm of personal agreement. It is less common, almost to the point of becoming a saintly virtue, that someone truly respects and loves the truth seeker, even when their conclusions differ wildly."
-walsh
-walsh
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