Oh boy ...

[everythingafter]

So, I'm a former Christian coming from a very evangelical family. As I've written here before, I "came out" on my blog last summer and since, I have been cornered twice by my dad, and while my mother doesn't really bring up the topic of religion personally, she'll send these e-mails every once and while with various Bible verses and pleadings that I keep an open mind about faith. She thinks that my lack of belief is circumstantial based on things that have happened in my life, to which, I've denied repeatedly, and that "deep down," I really believe. She sent one today with the Proverbs that goes, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" and she said she prays every day for me, etc., etc.

Any ideas how I should respond or if I should at all? I'm inclined to say something like:

I understand your concerns, but I really am fine. I did think about the 'lean not on your own understanding' part, and there is some merit to that if you are content to not ask questions about life, science and the universe, and for anything that we can't explain or understand at the moment, hand that off to God and just say 'He did it.' This wasn't good enough for me, and if the case for faith was strong, it would been able to stand up against my sincere and determined efforts to get closer to the truth. For that's all I'm after, and I couldn't go on pretending to believe when I didn't have good reasons for doing so.

My lack of belief is not just about things that have happened in my life. That's only one aspect, but my particular case is no more important than any other example of suffering and evil in the world: bald children with leukemia, cancer, Lou Gehrig's disease, famine and disease in Africa and other parts of the world, terrorism, slavery, the witch trials, the crusades, wars and conquests, rape, incest, murder, and any number of other examples of atrocities endured by humans. This, of course, includes some but not all of the various atrocities exacted by believers themselves in the name of religion. First, how can an all-loving God possibly witness all of this at all from above (or wherever he is), and second, how can an all-loving God witness all of this and do nothing?

If you could read something other than the Bible or books by believers, you will find that things are not quite as simple as you would like them to be, but it's often hard to see that inside the deliberately closed off world of religion. I have read more and studied more on the topic than most churchgoers (stuff by both believers and non-believers), and have many convincing reasons having nothing to do with my own life for not believing, some of which I concluded on my own before even picking a book. I could, of course, say I believed, but saying you believe and actually believing are different things. Saying I believed at this point would make me a hypocrite (as I was for several years). Neither can I force myself to believe just because I think that some of the precepts of religion might be favorable to me. I have to be able to make up my own mind, and I wish folks could respect that. I'm not the prodigal son. I'm just trying to make the most of this life because it's the only one we're absolutely guaranteed. My wish is that you would do the same.

I'm thinking that might be too cutting a reply. I don't want to drive the nails deeper, so to speak. This is already something like a crisis for them. They live a couple hours away, but if this continues, I'm seriously thinking of jumping ship and moving far, far away. I can't take it!

Any ideas?

[Ashendant]

So, I'm a former Christian coming from a very evangelical family. As I've written here before, I "came out" on my blog last summer and since, I have been cornered twice by my dad, and while my mother doesn't really bring up the topic of religion personally, she'll send these e-mails every once and while with various Bible verses and pleadings that I keep an open mind about faith. She thinks that my lack of belief is circumstantial based on things that have happened in my life, to which, I've denied repeatedly, and that "deep down," I really believe. She sent one today with the Proverbs that goes, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" and she said she prays every day for me, etc., etc.

Any ideas how I should respond or if I should at all? I'm inclined to say something like:

I understand your concerns, but I really am fine. I did think about the 'lean not on your own understanding' part, and there is some merit to that if you are content to not ask questions about life, science and the universe, and for anything that we can't explain or understand at the moment, hand that off to God and just say 'He did it.' This wasn't good enough for me, and if the case for faith was strong, it would been able to stand up against my sincere and determined efforts to get closer to the truth. For that's all I'm after, and I couldn't go on pretending to believe when I didn't have good reasons for doing so.

My lack of belief is not just about things that have happened in my life. That's only one aspect, but my particular case is no more important than any other example of suffering and evil in the world: bald children with leukemia, cancer, Lou Gehrig's disease, famine and disease in Africa and other parts of the world, terrorism, slavery, the witch trials, the crusades, wars and conquests, rape, incest, murder, and any number of other examples of atrocities endured by humans. This, of course, includes some but not all of the various atrocities exacted by believers themselves in the name of religion. First, how can an all-loving God possibly witness all of this at all from above (or wherever he is), and second, how can an all-loving God witness all of this and do nothing?

If you could read something other than the Bible or books by believers, you will find that things are not quite as simple as you would like them to be, but it's often hard to see that inside the deliberately closed off world of religion. I have read more and studied more on the topic than most churchgoers (stuff by both believers and non-believers), and have many convincing reasons having nothing to do with my own life for not believing, some of which I concluded on my own before even picking a book. I could, of course, say I believed, but saying you believe and actually believing are different things. Saying I believed at this point would make me a hypocrite (as I was for several years). Neither can I force myself to believe just because I think that some of the precepts of religion might be favorable to me. I have to be able to make up my own mind, and I wish folks could respect that. I'm not the prodigal son. I'm just trying to make the most of this life because it's the only one we're absolutely guaranteed. My wish is that you would do the same.

I'm thinking that might be too cutting a reply. I don't want to drive the nails deeper, so to speak. This is already something like a crisis for them. They live a couple hours away, but if this continues, I'm seriously thinking of jumping ship and moving far, far away. I can't take it!

Any ideas?

move to europe maybe?

[DiRNiS]

I feel for you dude, but that's a very good response. Respectable, polite and I do not think it is too cutting at all. Your family has to understand that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions. In their mind they may be thinking that you will be going to burn for eternity in hell if you don't believe and you will not be joining them in heaven.

You are right in saying that you cannot pretend to believe as you would just be living a lie. We should be able to keep our own personal beliefs and opinions and have nobody else trying to ram down their different beliefs down our throats. It sucks that the relationship with your parents has to suffer because of religious beliefs. Your response is good and will hopefully help them understand your point of view. However, in the mind of the deeply religious, anything that contradicts their fairy tale view of the world is often something they will not accept.

Good luck.

---

One of my future prospects is to move to a place where religion has the least amount of relevance in society.

Any ideas?

[AtheistPhil]

I'm thinking that might be too cutting a reply. I don't want to drive the nails deeper, so to speak. This is already something like a crisis for them. They live a couple hours away, but if this continues, I'm seriously thinking of jumping ship and moving far, far away. I can't take it!

Any ideas?

Maybe you should tell them that you still love them even though you've got different beliefs, or something like that. That'd make the response less cutting imho.

[everythingafter]

I feel for you dude, but that's a very good response. Respectable, polite and I do not think it is too cutting at all. Your family has to understand that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions. In their mind they may be thinking that you will be going to burn for eternity in hell if you don't believe and you will not be joining them in heaven.

You are right in saying that you cannot pretend to believe as you would just be living a lie. We should be able to keep our own personal beliefs and opinions and have nobody else trying to ram down their different beliefs down our throats. It sucks that the relationship with your parents has to suffer because of religious beliefs. Your response is good and will hopefully help them understand your point of view. However, in the mind of the deeply religious, anything that contradicts their fairy tale view of the world is often something they will not accept.

Good luck.

---

One of my future prospects is to move to a place where religion has the least amount of relevance in society.

Any ideas?

Thanks, DiRNiS. At this point, I can't quite make up my mind whether to send it or not. Her e-mail didn't necessarily invite or request a reply, but I feel like I've gotta take a stand at some point because it's driving me crazy. And she's such a nice person in every other area of her life (much better than the god she believes in). I don't want to hurt her even more. Thus, maybe a non-response might be better. I don't know.

As for your question: Outside of America (assuming you live here), I would pick Switzerland or Germany. Inside America, good luck. lol. Boston and Seattle are fairly secular, or at least compared to the medieval land here called the Bible belt. As for somewhere where it's (almost) completely removed from daily life, perhaps Japan or China. At least those countries don't seem to have the same type of religious fervor as the West.

---

Maybe you should tell them that you still love them even though you've got different beliefs, or something like that. That'd make the response less cutting imho.

Yes, I was planning to add something along those lines at the end if I decide to send it.

[lrh9]

I'd just say no as many times as it takes.

[Jaysyn]

I'd ignore any religious ramblings she sends. If she asks, just tell her your email client filters out religious spam.

[HeyItsZeus]

Move to Japan. They don't give a shit over there.

[Anomalocaris]

Perhaps you can assure them hay you love them with a love that exists outside their imaginations, and that should be worth something.

[Captain Scarlet]

I don't think your family should fear for you. If a god/s exist/s, it's not made obvious. There are no slam dunks that demonstrate the existence of god beyond doubt (in fact the arguments againts are stronger). You cannot argue to a god without an a priori belief in one (ie it is circular). So if there is a god/s, it must know there is such a thing as reasonable unbelief.

So if you hold your views sincerely and honestly, I can't see why an all loving god (knowing the above) would have a problem with that.