S and I are walking through Walmart. We are there to pick up a few items. She's being rather cocky so I decide to teach her a lesson. Luckily for me, some of Walmart's corporate people were there so I took an opportunity to teach them about how to embarrass teenagers. It was great fun!
Me: So, this is my daughter S, and as you can hear from our conversation, she's being sort of a jerk...
S:... you're being the jerk. (Interrupts me in her best sarcastic and condescending teen voice)
Me: I wasn't but I'm about to be now....
S... well I'm walking away.
Me: Ohhh I don't think so. Come here. (hesitation from S). No. Come. Over. Here. (I'm pointing to a spot right next to myself). Right here.
S: Um... I don't wanna.
Me: I can do things ya know. Horrible parenting things that we both know you won't like. Would you like a hug? (the sort of hug I'm offering comes complete with me singing rather loudly off key while hugging her tightly so she can't escape. She knows this.)
S: *sigh* I hate you. (says it in a resigned, giving up tone of voice as she walks back over to me)
Me: That's okay. I hate you too. (Smiling at the visiting women from corporate Walmart) But don't fret. This'll be fun!
S stands by the end of the cart, just out of arm's reach for me. Lucky girl.
S: (mumbles) No, it won't.
Me: So do any of you have kids? (I'm addressing corporate)
One woman pipes up that she has a six year old. Another mentions that she has an 8 year old and an 11 year old.
Me: Excellent! Young enough to start the embarrassment technique I like to call the Pre-Walmart Speech, typically given to my three teens, ages 13, 15 and 16 because well, and let's be honest, (whispering) they're all assholes at this age.
Laughter from the five ladies who's attention I now have... Oh and a few onlooking customers. I totally live for shit like this.
S: I still hate you.
Me: And I can still take away your phone. (smiling sweetly at my annoyed child)
Me: (looking at the corporate people) By the way... you have to have zero fucks to give for this sort of thing to work. I ran out of fucks the day my oldest, now 22 was born. You just have to not care about what anyone in public thinks of you, otherwise, it'll just be a huge waste of time.
I give the pre-walmart speech (I've posted that in the forums before. Feel free to search for it), the ladies laugh, thank me for the ever-so-helpful advice. S and I walk away towards the sporting goods section, where S loudly announces that she still hates me.
Me: (in response) S, how do you say "you suck" in German?
S: I don't know.
Me: Well you need to ask your German teacher how to say you suck, because I want to be able to tell you that you suck, in German.
S: Ugh! I so totally hate you and you suck too! (She's now starting to walk away from me at this point, but I know where she's headed, so we're still good
)
Utilizing my best "mom's embarrassing me, LOUD voice, I holler BUT S, I LOVE YOU!! She's now walking several paces ahead of me all the while I'm laughing so hard tears are coming out of my eyes and I'm calling after her, in that voice she hates so much. I seriously almost peed my pants from laughing so hard.
Me: S! Come back here. You're making me cry! Don't leave me S! Oh Please! What will I do without you! Come baaaaaack!!!
S: You know, I really hate you.
Me: That's okay. One day, your kids will make you turn. And you'll be doing this exact same thing. You wanna know why?
S: Why? (Hey - this response came with an eyeroll)
Me: Because you - know. This. Works. And secretly, deep down inside, you can't wait until your own future kids will do something to make you want to take a time out to perform a teachable moment to them. And plus... it provides humor on a level so epic.... it makes you jealous.
Me: ( loudly exclaiming) I got the power!!
S: I still hate you.
Me: So, this is my daughter S, and as you can hear from our conversation, she's being sort of a jerk...
S:... you're being the jerk. (Interrupts me in her best sarcastic and condescending teen voice)
Me: I wasn't but I'm about to be now....
S... well I'm walking away.
Me: Ohhh I don't think so. Come here. (hesitation from S). No. Come. Over. Here. (I'm pointing to a spot right next to myself). Right here.
S: Um... I don't wanna.
Me: I can do things ya know. Horrible parenting things that we both know you won't like. Would you like a hug? (the sort of hug I'm offering comes complete with me singing rather loudly off key while hugging her tightly so she can't escape. She knows this.)
S: *sigh* I hate you. (says it in a resigned, giving up tone of voice as she walks back over to me)
Me: That's okay. I hate you too. (Smiling at the visiting women from corporate Walmart) But don't fret. This'll be fun!
S stands by the end of the cart, just out of arm's reach for me. Lucky girl.
S: (mumbles) No, it won't.
Me: So do any of you have kids? (I'm addressing corporate)
One woman pipes up that she has a six year old. Another mentions that she has an 8 year old and an 11 year old.
Me: Excellent! Young enough to start the embarrassment technique I like to call the Pre-Walmart Speech, typically given to my three teens, ages 13, 15 and 16 because well, and let's be honest, (whispering) they're all assholes at this age.
Laughter from the five ladies who's attention I now have... Oh and a few onlooking customers. I totally live for shit like this.
S: I still hate you.
Me: And I can still take away your phone. (smiling sweetly at my annoyed child)
Me: (looking at the corporate people) By the way... you have to have zero fucks to give for this sort of thing to work. I ran out of fucks the day my oldest, now 22 was born. You just have to not care about what anyone in public thinks of you, otherwise, it'll just be a huge waste of time.
I give the pre-walmart speech (I've posted that in the forums before. Feel free to search for it), the ladies laugh, thank me for the ever-so-helpful advice. S and I walk away towards the sporting goods section, where S loudly announces that she still hates me.
Me: (in response) S, how do you say "you suck" in German?
S: I don't know.
Me: Well you need to ask your German teacher how to say you suck, because I want to be able to tell you that you suck, in German.
S: Ugh! I so totally hate you and you suck too! (She's now starting to walk away from me at this point, but I know where she's headed, so we're still good
) Utilizing my best "mom's embarrassing me, LOUD voice, I holler BUT S, I LOVE YOU!! She's now walking several paces ahead of me all the while I'm laughing so hard tears are coming out of my eyes and I'm calling after her, in that voice she hates so much. I seriously almost peed my pants from laughing so hard.
Me: S! Come back here. You're making me cry! Don't leave me S! Oh Please! What will I do without you! Come baaaaaack!!!
S: You know, I really hate you.
Me: That's okay. One day, your kids will make you turn. And you'll be doing this exact same thing. You wanna know why?
S: Why? (Hey - this response came with an eyeroll)
Me: Because you - know. This. Works. And secretly, deep down inside, you can't wait until your own future kids will do something to make you want to take a time out to perform a teachable moment to them. And plus... it provides humor on a level so epic.... it makes you jealous.
Me: ( loudly exclaiming) I got the power!!
S: I still hate you.
Disclaimer: I am only responsible for what I say, not what you choose to understand.
(pester tibs via pm if you need invite) 
![[Image: tmPmhjd.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i.imgur.com%2FtmPmhjd.jpg)
