I hate biting my tongue with hypocrisy.

[Brian37]

My biological sister and I had different dads, we were both adopted at a young age, and our older brother and sister stayed in the family and we all share the same mother. Half of us the same dad. My younger sister had a different biological dad but the same mother. Her adoptive father passed away as I just heard today.

Most of our family is religious. My younger sister and I are both atheists. I just now read a post where her adoptive father died. It sucks, I know, I lost my adoptive mother last year as most know.

But it took me everything not to scream at all the "well wishers" and the bullshit double standard when a believer dies, we keep our mouths shut, but when our loved ones die, we STILL have to keep our mouths shut.

  I hated biting my lip when it was MY ADOPTIVE MOM and all her friends were saying "Prayer this and God that" and I still could not mourn the way I wanted. It was worse at her memorial because even though she was a Catholic and I gave her a Catholic priest to speak, that asshole still could not leave it with talking about her, which I would have been fine with. No, he had to use it to look at me and threaten me with his fictional sky hero and and say while LOOKING AT ME, " You better find God before it is too late"

That is not well wishing, that is not empathy, that is a fucking advertisement. I could have handled the god talk if he had not used it to try to scare me.

I really hate this double standard.

[Cecelia]

Religious people are weird at funerals. Often they don't even respect the wishes of the deceased.

When my mother-in-law passed away (she was fairly religious), all she wanted was graveside rights. She didn't want a funeral service. Her only wishes were that, and being buried in her family's graveyard. My husband, being her only son, made sure that her second wish was followed 100%. He tried getting them to follow her first wish as well, but his uncle refused to follow his sister's wishes and decided to have a small service. My husband didn't want to fight it because honestly he was too upset to fight over something like that.

That side of the family is SUPER religious. Lot's of priests and missionaries on that side. (We don't talk with them often. I think it's been about 4 years now since we've seen most of them. I did talk with one of them recently, and they were REALLY excited about how their daughter is becoming a missionary. Luckily this was over the phone, cause I coudln't avoid rolling my eyes at that). After the funeral they'd go on and on about how she was in a better place, and how they wish they could be there too. It was disturbing (especially in front of my oldest kids -- who knows what they were thinking at the time. Hearing people talking about how dying was such a great thing. I'm glad I didn't bring my youngest two. (They were only like 4 at the time)

Then you have my grandfather's funeral. I had to endure hearing all about how he had 'gone home'. It upset my mom a lot. (She's the least religious of the family. She might be an atheist, but she probably would never come out about it). They never once thought about how other people might feel. Instead, only caring about how they felt.

People mourn in different ways, and I think it's important people get to mourn the way they need to. But people should be considerate--and that should be both ways.

"She's in a better place" is pushing it, but somewhat harmless (unless they were young)
"You need to find god" is being an asshole.
Bringing up hell at a funeral is a total dick move, and should not be tolerated.

Sorry about you and your sister's losses. And sorry you didn't get to mourn the way you wanted to.

[Joods]

When my dad died, as Catholic as he was, he did not want a service. For 22 years he sat in a VA (Veterans Administration) nursing home in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the chest down. He had a speech impediment and lost all use of the right side of his his body. He never complained about what happened. We visited every Saturday and brought him home on holidays. He died when I was 24.

Anyway, when he died, he didn't want a fuss made over him. He wanted to be cremated. I complied with everything he asked for. The only thing I couldn't do was spread his ashes over a golf course like he wanted because my sister refused to do that. I was still somewhat religious at that point and I would have felt better had I known there was a service, but regardless of my wants, I was trying to be respectful to my dad.

I guess my point is, we all grieve in different ways. We all need closure in our own way. I'm sorry that you and your sister didn't get to do that. Sometimes in the midst of our own grief, we forget that others are grieving too and we don't realize the impact our beliefs or non-beliefs can have on those around us.

[Minimalist]

The temptation to tell them to fuck off must be overwhelming?

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Brian, find yourself a shouting tree. It will do just as much good and there will be less strife.