Hello, New atheist having a meltdown

[Dragonfly]

Hello, 

I was raised in an evangelical Christian fundamentalist home. Fourteen years ago I couldn't take it anymore but couldn't stand the feeling of being "nothing," and Judaism seemed to be a much kinder, truer religion, so I astonished my family by converting to Judaism. I fell away from Judaism over the years, got very religious again a couple of months ago, but just couldn't get anything out of it. Since Rosh Hashanah a couple of weeks ago, I really started searching. I talked with a rabbi, visited a church again and felt totally disillusioned. I've spent countless hours in the last week studying atheism, creationism, religion, philosophy, science, cosmology, evolution, myth, etc., and one by one my beliefs broke. Evolution happened, the world wasn't created in six days, the Big Bang happened, there is no God. I've been hanging onto a delusion out of fear. 

I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

If you have any guidance, please help me. 

thanks,

dragonfly

[The Valkyrie]

First of all, welcome.

You've taken a huge step after a lifetime of belief and it is unsettling. And the first step you've taken is the right one: to seek out like minded people.

Probably a good next step would be to seek out other atheists or atheist groups in your location. Depending on where you are, this might be easier said than done.

Can you talk to someone in your family or a trusted friend?

Talking is a very important step, too.

[vulcanlogician]

It is not enough to be Jewish. One must be a Spinozist. Then I'll be interested.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Sounds like a rough road you've had, Dragon (welcome to the forum, btw).  Can't really give you much advice, as I never went through anything similar.

But even though it was (clearly) painful for you, you might consider that the evolution you've had is one of maturation.  You've - albeit slowly and painfully - rejected the myths on which you were raised.

Here's a story that my brother-in-law (a Reform rabbi) likes to tell.  It may help make your new atheist clothes fit better:

*****

A rabbi tells his class at Hebrew school that God created everything in the world to be appreciated, as everything is here to teach us lessons.

One clever student asks, 'What lessons can we learn from atheists?  Why did God create them?'

The rabbi responds, 'God created atheists to teach us the most important lesson of all - the meaning of true compassion.  You see, when an atheist performs an act of charity, visits someone who is sick, helps someone in need, or cares for the world, he is not doing it because of some religious teaching. He does not believe that God commanded him to perform this act.  In fact, he does not believe in God at all, so his acts are based on an inner sense of morality. And look at the kindness he can bestow upon others simply because he feels it to be right.

'This means,' the rabbit continued, 'that when someone reaches out to you for help, you should never say, "I pray that God will help you." '  Instead, for the moment, you should become an atheist, imagine that there is no God to help and say, "I  will help you." '

*****

Boru

[Foxaèr]

As with any major change that strips one of a perceived comfort, there is going to be psychological trauma we unnecessarily place on ourselves. The best thing is to learn, understand, and accept that those comforts we've lost were false and to blanket ourselves with an albeit harsh reality that doesn't and should not be expected to provide comfort. The hardest truth for many to learn is how to be an adult, and part of being an adult is leaving behind childish notions of imaginary friends as well as imaginary gods.

[Aroura]

First of all, welcome!  I sincerely hope you find this forum helpful.  There are many kind and supportive people here, and it does help to talk.


Secondly, 


It's going to be ok! 

I'm also a woman, and I was in my 30's when I finally realized I had been believing in a delusion my entire life, so I understand how hard it can be to undergo this as an adult who has spent most of their life inside the delusion.  It can be hard, and you'll feel ungrounded at first.  You might find yourself experiencing some of the stages of grief, like anger or depression.  You might find you become a bit anti-theist for a while, feeling lied to, tricked, or betrayed.  There's a lot to unpack, and you need to be patient with yourself and not punish yourself for any feelings you are going through.  If you feel really anxious or upset, it wouldn't hurt to talk to a professional about it for a session or three.
But if that's too much trouble, someone is always here to listen!

I highly, highly recommend watching this:





She approaches the topic with humor and intelligence, from an adult woman's perspective.  It really helped me get past some tough times in those first 6 months or so.  I hope it helps you, too.

[purplepurpose]

Religion isn't totally bad. It's cool to strive for Heaven/endless life. It's bad to brainwash others.

[Little lunch]

Just like the end of any long relationship, it takes time to get over it.
My advice is to stick around and talk with atheists often, just to get the feeling that the way you feel is common and normal.
Focus on the positives like the fact that there's no-one watching you 24 hrs/day and you're free to make your own decisions.
And later on down the track when you feel more comfortable in your new skin, try not to get angry about the time you've wasted.
Some people sleep for their whole life. :-)

[Deesse23]

I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion

Some people never realize they were duped. You did, and have plenty of time left to properly use.

There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life.

Well, as you just realized, there never was one. What you lost was the illusion of guidance. The decisions in your life were, most probably, already done by yourself. Remember how god always seems to agree with each individual believer? It is because everyone makes up his own version of god in his own mind. So either you already decided (unconsciously) for yourself or followed random events. Not that much of a change now: Lots of random (and beyond your control) stuff will influence your life, and you will decide the rest for yourself, just consciously this time.

There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die

Did you ever consider how boring praising a genocidal monster would have been after, say...... 1.000.000.000.000.000 years?
There is also no hell btw.
There being no afterlife only makes this life infinitely more valuable. Go out and look at the trees, and enjoy the view. Go hug your family, friends and pets, and feel how much more valuable your life is than it was when you were a believer.....and you dont even have to fear for your gay nephiew.

I feel devastated and terrified.

Thats what everybody feels after waking up from a nightmare. Remember: The future is bright for you, now that you know, its the past that was the nightmare!

[Shell B]

Hello, 

I was raised in an evangelical Christian fundamentalist home. Fourteen years ago I couldn't take it anymore but couldn't stand the feeling of being "nothing," and Judaism seemed to be a much kinder, truer religion, so I astonished my family by converting to Judaism. I fell away from Judaism over the years, got very religious again a couple of months ago, but just couldn't get anything out of it. Since Rosh Hashanah a couple of weeks ago, I really started searching. I talked with a rabbi, visited a church again and felt totally disillusioned. I've spent countless hours in the last week studying atheism, creationism, religion, philosophy, science, cosmology, evolution, myth, etc., and one by one my beliefs broke. Evolution happened, the world wasn't created in six days, the Big Bang happened, there is no God. I've been hanging onto a delusion out of fear. 

I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

If you have any guidance, please help me. 

thanks,

dragonfly

Wow, that does sound really scary. I never had to "deconvert," so to speak, so I've never had this experience. Life as your own guiding force and being the one you have to answer to isn't so bad. It'll keep you true to yourself. It will just take some adjustment, I think. There are other ways to assuage your fears other than gods, or you can embrace your fear and live life accordingly. I can understand your fear, though. Nevertheless, living a lie your whole life has to be worse than this transition, so I hope you find comfort in that. We have a lot of "deconverts" here. They probably have more wisdom than I on the topic. Good luck, dragonfly.