What is forgiveness and what is not?

[Der/die AtheistIn]

If you don't feel mad at someone anymore, but still think that they suck, at least regarding their mistake(s), did you forgive them? Is it forgiveness if you don't want to see that person anymore, but don't feel mad at them either?

[Mr.Obvious]

I thought you could still feel mad at someone, and yet have forgiven them.

Or is that just me?

[Brian37]

If you don't feel mad at someone anymore, but still think that they suck, at least regarding their mistake(s), did you forgive them? Is it forgiveness if you don't want to see that person anymore, but don't feel mad at them either?

Forgiveness is a very personal and individual thing.

It is possible in one case to forgive and continue to be around that person.

BUT it is also possible to forgive, AND not want to be around another person.

It isn't an either or proposition, but case by case, based on cost benefit.

My late adoptive mother whom I loved, drove me nuts sometimes. But ultimately she always had my back, so our differences never got to the point of giving up on each other.

But, on the other hand, I cut off my biological brother, whom I was not raised with, but met as an adult. Having been bullied as a kid prior to meeting him, the one thing you don't do with me, which he did, was threaten me with violence. I hold no ill will to him, but there are some things that one should not tolerate least they become a doormat.

So it is only for you, "it depends" on what you are willing to live with, or not live with. But in neither case, stay or go, you don't  have to hold a grudge.

[Der/die AtheistIn]

If you don't feel mad at someone anymore, but still think that they suck, at least regarding their mistake(s), did you forgive them? Is it forgiveness if you don't want to see that person anymore, but don't feel mad at them either?

Forgiveness is a very personal and individual thing.

It is possible in one case to forgive and continue to be around that person.

BUT it is also possible to forgive, AND not want to be around another person.

It isn't an either or proposition, but case by case, based on cost benefit.

My late adoptive mother whom I loved, drove me nuts sometimes. But ultimately she always had my back, so our differences never got to the point of giving up on each other.

But, on the other hand, I cut off my biological brother, whom I was not raised with, but met as an adult. Having been bullied as a kid prior to meeting him, the one thing you don't do with me, which he did, was threaten me with violence. I hold no ill will to him, but there are some things that one should not tolerate least they become a doormat.

So it is only for you, "it depends" on what you are willing to live with, or not live with. But in neither case, stay or go, you don't  have to hold a grudge.

Could you please give me a more exact definition of forgiveness? Do you think that you forgave your brother?

[Brian37]

Forgiveness is a very personal and individual thing.

It is possible in one case to forgive and continue to be around that person.

BUT it is also possible to forgive, AND not want to be around another person.

It isn't an either or proposition, but case by case, based on cost benefit.

My late adoptive mother whom I loved, drove me nuts sometimes. But ultimately she always had my back, so our differences never got to the point of giving up on each other.

But, on the other hand, I cut off my biological brother, whom I was not raised with, but met as an adult. Having been bullied as a kid prior to meeting him, the one thing you don't do with me, which he did, was threaten me with violence. I hold no ill will to him, but there are some things that one should not tolerate least they become a doormat.

So it is only for you, "it depends" on what you are willing to live with, or not live with. But in neither case, stay or go, you don't  have to hold a grudge.

Could you please give me a more exact definition of forgiveness? Do you think that you forgave your brother?

Not sure what you are looking for.

I have had times where people have pissed me off, hurt me, but it wasn't so bad that I feared being around them. Then I have had times where people hurt me or threatened me that I had enough. 

I want no contact with him. But I also don't wish him ill. It was more than one event that caused me to cut ties with him.

[Yonadav]

If you don't feel mad at someone anymore, but still think that they suck, at least regarding their mistake(s), did you forgive them? Is it forgiveness if you don't want to see that person anymore, but don't feel mad at them either?

Yep, you can totally forgive someone and still want nothing to do with them. Forgiveness isn't a reset switch that returns everything to the way that it was before. You aren't avoiding their company because of a grudge. You're avoiding their company because you have come to know that they suck.

[Der/die AtheistIn]

Not sure what you are looking for.

I have had times where people have pissed me off, hurt me, but it wasn't so bad that I feared being around them. Then I have had times where people hurt me or threatened me that I had enough. 

I want no contact with him. But I also don't wish him ill. It was more than one event that caused me to cut ties with him.

My case is different. Sometimes, I have ill thoughts towards some who hurt me in the past, but it's an instinct thing, I use my mind to decide what I should do or not. I also do feel sometimes bad around people who had hurt me. I also believe that true forgiveness comes naturally. Maybe people convince themselves to forgive, but it needs time (depending on what happened). To be clear, I wasn't referring to your situation. It could be that our experiences are different.

[Brian37]

Not sure what you are looking for.

I have had times where people have pissed me off, hurt me, but it wasn't so bad that I feared being around them. Then I have had times where people hurt me or threatened me that I had enough. 

I want no contact with him. But I also don't wish him ill. It was more than one event that caused me to cut ties with him.

My case is different. Sometimes, I have ill thoughts towards some who hurt me in the past, but it's an instinct thing, I use my mind to decide what I should do or not. I also do feel sometimes bad around people who had hurt me. I also believe that true forgiveness comes naturally. Maybe people convince themselves to forgive, but it needs time (depending on what happened). To be clear, I wasn't referring to your situation. It could be that our experiences are different.

It is natural to think, "Boy I would love to strangle that person."  It is illegal to actually do it, and most decent humans to not act on their impulses.

It isn't that you have "ill" thoughts, but in that you are naturally reacting to how someone behaved to you. What really matters is how you respond to how others act to you. You cant control them, and you cant kill them legally, so the only thing you can do is make a decision as to what you are willing to tolerate or not tolerate.

[veoli]

Letting go of the past and enjoying the present.

[Der/die AtheistIn]

It is natural to think, "Boy I would love to strangle that person."  It is illegal to actually do it, and most decent humans to not act on their impulses.

It isn't that you have "ill" thoughts, but in that you are naturally reacting to how someone behaved to you. What really matters is how you respond to how others act to you. You cant control them, and you cant kill them legally, so the only thing you can do is make a decision as to what you are willing to tolerate or not tolerate.

While breaking the law does bring bad consequences, we shouldn't base our morality on punishments or rewards. I personally don't think that anyone deserves the death penalty or to be physically or mentally harmed. What I do think they deserve is being called out and live the consequences of their actions.