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[Serious] Rational reason for ending my life.
#11
RE: Rational reason for ending my life.
Firstly want to say thank you for sharing your situation and how you are feeling.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 13. In 2020 like a lot of people reached a breaking point, finding the motivation to keep going grew harder and harder to the point I started planning out how I would end my life. Thankfully I thought better of it, I was able to focus on a few of the things and people I still cared about to pull me through. I can't pretend to know exactly how you are feeling nor would I use the "It gets better" line. What I can say is there are people who will listen to you and can help. If this thread is any indicator there are people who do care about your well-being even if that doesn't feel like the case.

Goosebump I earnestly hope you use one of the resources arewethereyet has given and wish you nothing but the best.
"For the only way to eternal glory is a life lived in service of our Lord, FSM; Verily it is FSM who is the perfect being the name higher than all names, king of all kings and will bestow upon us all, one day, The great reclaiming"  -The Prophet Boiardi-

      Conservative trigger warning.
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#12
RE: Rational reason for ending my life.
I'm not chronically depressed, but I had a low point due to a fuckup involving a sexual indiscretion and lying about it where I understandably lost most of my friends, started thinking I was worthless, and contemplated suicide. I talked to a nice lady with dogs and a therapy license and I was soon myself again. I do not regret seeking help and I've had a lot of good things in my life in the 17 years since that I might have missed if I hadn't.
I'm not anti-Christian. I'm anti-stupid.
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#13
RE: Rational reason for ending my life.
You only get one life. There is no "after." This is it. Once you're gone, there is no chance to change, to grow, to make amends. 

 You have that opportunity now. You are who you choose to be. Being a fuckup is not who you are, it is a collection of choices you've made. If making fuckup decisions bothers you, start today right now to turn it around. You're still alive with the chance to grow, to change, to learn, and to choose.
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#14
RE: Rational reason for ending my life.
I hope you get help. We all seem to be the stories we tell ourselves. Our success and failures seem to be dependent on what we narrate ourselves to be. You seem to have a very negative self narrative. Those seem to perpetuate themselves to an end. Only you can change your narrative.
"There ought to be a term that would designate those who actually follow the teachings of Jesus, since the word 'Christian' has been largely divorced from those teachings, and so polluted by fundamentalists that it has come to connote their polar opposite: intolerance, vindictive hatred, and bigotry." -- Philip Stater, Huffington Post

always working on cleaning my windows- me regarding Johari
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#15
RE: Rational reason for ending my life.
I think one fairly simple way of keeping yourself alive: always have some book you’re looking forward to reading. Not in maybe a couple years, but fairly soon. I’ve maintained a reading queue of books for over a decade. Partly just so I can find a convenient way to figure out what to read next, but partly so I can at least rationalize to myself “I can’t kill myself now. I’ve got (just to name on example of literally thousands) that biography of Buñuel I’ve been wanting to read that’s coming up soon.” (Note: by this point, it’s far more the “confident way of figuring out what to read next.”)

I haven’t bothered to write up a big list of books to read so you don’t kill yourself, and frankly, I can’t be sure that, if I do, the books I choose will resonate with everybody. I suppose one category of books would be what I’d call “Consolation Literature.” Books that, on some level, let you know that you’re not alone in the way you feel. Catcher in the Rye was that for me as a teenager (and to a lesser extent, still to this day.) Given that you’ve stated you see yourself as a fuckup, I think Denis Johnson’s Jesus’ Son would be a good choice. Before you ask, no, it’s not religious. The title is a reference to a Velvet Undergound lyric, and the content is more this:



(And, yes, in the book, his name, as far as the reader knows, is really “Fuck-Head.”)

And there are some other books that more address the problem of suicide and how to go on living even when doing so makes zero fucking sense. Kate Bornstein’s Hello Cruel World is a good one, even if it does have a heavy bent towards LGBTQ readers (and sometimes, as a straight guy, I admit that reading or watching something geared towards an LGBTQ audience can be like contemplating a sports bra; I reckon it’s okay for what it is, I just don’t know what the Hell I’m going to do with it) many of the alternatives to suicide she lists are still useful to straight folks, and frankly, you gotta admire the fact that she lists selling your soul to the devil as one alternative. 

Camus’ The Myth of Sisyphus is also a good look into the question of suicide and constructing new identities in response to a world where existence is meaningless. I’d also recommend a short story by Dostoevsky called “Dream of a Ridiculous Man.” It’s about a man who’s saved from the brink of suicide by a small girl and a dream about the corruption of Man. 

And maybe if you liked that, you can read his other works. He’s written at least five door stoppers of novels, plus a few novellas and even a few novels of relatively normal length. That should keep you occupied for a while. And maybe that might lead you to different authors, and, sometimes, just a little research into a great artist (their contemporaries, their collaborators, their influences, and those they influenced) can lead to discovering a shitton of other great artists. My music collection spans about a quarter of a terabyte and much of it is probably just a few steps downstream of The Beatles. 

Of course, that’s just what I’ve done. And there’s no doubt other things you can do to help give you a reason to live, and I’m just explaining what’s worked for me.
I was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world is mad.

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#16
RE: Rational reason for ending my life.
@Goosebump

When you get really depressed, it's hard to remember anything good you've ever done. It's like, all you can think of are failures, fuck ups, embarrassments, stuff like that. It sucks. I've been stuck in a place like that, and I couldn't think my way out of it (though I tried and tried and tried to do just that). But when I got to a better place, I was able to see the good things about myself too (along with the bad)... and really, that's a more accurate way to look at things. But you're shut off from that right now.

A lot of people here are suggesting getting professional help. That's a valid solution. I've gotten help that way before. But I've also NOT gotten help that way. So, in the interests of full disclosure, professional help can be a mixed bag. Especially if you don't have money. You can just be funnelled into the mental health system and placed with a "professional" who is simply not equipped to tackle your particular issues. Not that they are unable to help anyone. I'm sure the vast majority of them are capable of helping people. But that doesn't mean they can help you.

It IS worth a try though. Especially if you haven't sought help before. I recommend trying different avenues. If the mental health system places you with someone who isn't helping, ask for a different therapist. It can be really hard to do this, but MAKE yourself do it. Try different offices if you have multiples available.

Since you are at the point where you are considering nitro tanks... I feel like I should mention alcohol and drugs. I'm not joking. They can get you through. Are they perfect solutions? No. They create new problems of their own. But they're okay. They can even rescue you from the pit of despair (don't even think about trying to escape Wink  ) for the time being. Especially weed. For me, alcohol does the trick the best, but weed is also very good. And WAY less problematic than alcohol.

Feel free to PM me if you're feeling it. We can talk. I've been there. I'm not some "whatever you do, don't commit suicide" person. To me, suicide is a valid solution. But there are other solutions worth considering too.
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#17
RE: Rational reason for ending my life.
Getting professional help has been a boon for my life. Then again, my therapist A) was pretty familiar with autism both as a professional and a grandparent, and B) knew my father (though she was never his therapist.) I guess I lucked out. That said, my first psychiatrist was shit, being the sort of person who'd prescribe me with meds that didn't work in their lowest dosage and left me like Leo in that one scene of Wolf of Wall Street at their second-lowest and then conveniently decided to leave the state when it became clear they weren't working. At least my second psychiatrist has worked out well.

And even if it takes a while to get the right fit with a pro, well, I think Vulcan and I've helped with a few other stopgaps, even if mine were more Appollonian than his. And AWTY and I have given you the number for the National Suicide Prevention Line. Belacqua might have helped given you some empathy with their story about the easel. It may not be much, but it's probably a decent start.
I was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world is mad.

[Image: harmlesskitchen.png]

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#18
RE: Rational reason for ending my life.
Nearly everyone in history who has ever been great or even not so great has one thing in common...they failed a lot.

Lots of failure can only lead to one place....success, that is if you let it.
We learn by failing. We learn by doing all the wrong things and then saying to ourselves. "Hey, lets not do that again."
When you hit rock bottom, that's when you can smile because everything gets better from that point on.

We all have difficult lives, even if someone else's life seems better than our own.

A friend of mine who has worked very hard all of his life to get to where he is makes a lot of money, has new Tesla, lives in a very nice house in a rich area of town and has a good family and I would say good friends too. He's traveled all over the world, is a director in his company and has a couple million set aside for his retirement.

Given all of that, he's also thought of suicide. The pressure in his job is huge. It's never ending. He doesn't work 8 hours a day. He works all the time. When he's at home, he's still working, trying to get through thousands of e-mails that need his attention. He has business meetings with China at 2:00 am. He doesn't get enough sleep. This has been his life for 20 years and he can't wait for it all to finally end.

His ending is retirement.

My life is much different. When I was 27, I was living with the love of my life and our son. We had been a family for 2 years and I was approaching the last year of college to get my bachelors in Math & Physics. The woman I loved most in this world suddenly died from an illness. I was devastated and the pain every single day made me such an emotional wreck. I attempted suicide once a month for 6 months. All I could see was my own pain. I wasn't thinking about how my death would effect others around me, how it would devastate my son, to not only have lost his mother, but then to lose his father too.

My last attempt nearly killed me, but my son saved my life. It was only when I thought of others did my life actually change. I realized how selfish I was. My pain was nothing to what others were going through.

I didn't finish my college degree. I went on to get a regular job and we lived our lives. I raised my son, work this job and that job, trying to keep my head above water. Many places I worked at went out of business, but I kept going. I did temp work, office work, whatever I could.

Things got better and I landed a job with TWA airlines. My son and I took day trips to Chicago and we traveled around the country. TWA got bought out by American Airlines and I lost that great job. I had to move in with family for a while until I bought my first house when I was 40. I landed a good job in a warehouse doing shipping and receiving.

That lasted until that company failed and went out of business. I ended up losing my house. I spent a year living on savings and trying to land a job back in the airlines, but that didn't pan out. My brother offered me a job in construction. I had worked office jobs nearly all my life but work is work.

I've been working construction for the past 9 years. I've built some wonderful houses and done plenty of home renovations, pole barns, room additions, you name it. During this time, I also starting writing. I've completed two books and now I'm actively trying to get one up on Amazon for sale. The other contains copy written characters and can't directly be sold for profit.

And lastly I now have 3 grandchildren.

No matter how many times you fail, you get back up. No matter how many jobs you lose, you find another one.
If I had ended my life all those years ago, I would never have experienced all that I have now.

I've been at rock bottom. I've cried hard many nights and wondered how the hell I was going to get through it all.
You wake up the next day and you get yourself up and you keep the fuck going.

You never stop.
Insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result
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#19
RE: Rational reason for ending my life.
(April 13, 2021 at 9:01 am)Eleven Wrote: Meh....

Really?
Nay_Sayer: “Nothing is impossible if you dream big enough, or in this case, nothing is impossible if you use a barrel of KY Jelly and a miniature horse.”

Wiser words were never spoken. 
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#20
RE: Rational reason for ending my life.
(April 13, 2021 at 10:07 am)tackattack Wrote: I hope you get help. We all seem to be the stories we tell ourselves. Our success and failures seem to be dependent on what we narrate ourselves to be. You seem to have a very negative self narrative. Those seem to perpetuate themselves to an end. Only you can change your narrative.

Becoming aware of what we're telling ourselves is a critical part of changing that internal monologue.  Interrupting a stream of negative thoughts, even momentarily, gives us a foothold and then we can start to question:  "Is this actually true?  Do I want it to be true, or do I want to go down a different path?"
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