Grandfather in poor health

[Brian37]

I'm sorry to hear about his health.  I'll likely be saying goodbye to my parents within a few years (or they could die suddenly).

Everyone creates a story for themselves that explains their purpose, and makes death bearable.  All of them are going to be wrong (though some are more wrong than others).  I'm fine with letting people live and die with whatever comforting myth they hold.

Empathy is just what you said. Nobody should have any compunction with debate while in good health. But in decline empathy is simply being there for those you care about, regardless of differences. 

I can only agree that it is frustrating when you are dealing with loved ones, or those trying to console you, that you cant express yourself in your time of crisis. As others have said here, you have a voice here when you need. 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to simply be there for your loved one, and any frustrations you have in that process, you can come here.

[Tomatoshadow2]

"You basically answered yourself in the conclusion of your post.

It is called the comforting lie for a reason. "


Right, this is a good point, that my family is lieing to themselves to feel better about the situation.

---

I hear ya.


Begging the guy who is ( supposedly) killing you hardly seems like a good idea.

It' s right up there with making deals with the mafia, paying kidnappers or negotiating with terrorists.

Yes, this is something I'm struggling with witnessing.

If you care for your grandfather this is not the time for anger. It's time to show support and comfort, for gramps and the family.

There will be plenty of time for anger later.

Right, i get what your saying, but being the only atheist in the family, you know it's tough to really offer any support, as I'm really just going through it on my own. Realizing death is just a fact of life, nothing I can do to change that.


I watched my late mother take her last breath in a nursing home. Of course I screamed when that happened. Several staff rushed me out and took me to a conference room to console me. "God" "God" "God"........ It was everything I could do not to scream at them, especially knowing many of them knew I was an atheist. 

There is a double standard with theists. When we attend their funerals we are expected to keep our mouths shut during their mourning, and we do. But we cant express ourselves when it is us in time of crisis. After her body was taken to the funeral home, I came home and got online with other atheists and they completely understood and I was allowed to be myself.

Death is an unfortunate part of life. But yea, "God" is simply a comforting lie people convince themselves of. When the inevitable happens you can certainly come here and vent. It is always good to have others to lean on and talk to that understand you.

But as long as he is alive, just give him comfort without confrontation. I did the same with my mom. She was a lifetime Catholic. I never confronted her with religious debate when she was in decline.
[/quote]

Yes, I agree, the thing is though, when he does pass, I won't be at the awkward funereal, like you, all my family knows, I don't believe in religion, so always a target session against me. My grandpa and I have had, a distant relationship over my older years of being an adult, I think he still holds it against me for not being religious.

It’s never easy to watch a loved one at the end of life. Condolences.

Boru

Thanks Boru, appreciate you.

I'm sorry.  It's a difficult thing to watch the end of someone's days. People handle this life event in very different ways.

The best thing to do is seethe at the comments in private or come here and blast away, we get it.

Thanks for this, yes I've always done that, as no one in my family gets the atheist view point. Yes, I appreciate you and everyone else here.

I'm sorry to hear about his health.  I'll likely be saying goodbye to my parents within a few years (or they could die suddenly).

Everyone creates a story for themselves that explains their purpose, and makes death bearable.  All of them are going to be wrong (though some are more wrong than others).  I'm fine with letting people live and die with whatever comforting myth they hold.

Thanks for the comment, I see your point, people don't want to think about death just as the end you know, one thing about being a proud atheist, I don't fear death or what it is anymore.

People who don’t believe in resurrection are dealing with and processing a different event than people who do.  I imagine that can be an isolating at a painful time and could lead to unspoken concern(s) at the worst possible moment.  Sucks man.  My dad died awhile back.  I doubt it gets better, but it gets easier.

Yes good point, yeah it has gotten better, just realized you know it is the end for him, nothing I can fix. Sorry to hear you lost your dad. How'd you process that, compared to your family?

[HappySkeptic]

Thanks for the comment, I see your point, people don't want to think about death just as the end you know, one thing about being a proud atheist, I don't fear death or what it is anymore.

I guess my point is that, even as an atheist with no desire or expectation of an afterlife, I still have a personal myth about my purpose and how a finite life is enough.  If others go a different route, I can't just "give them" my myth as a substitute (something built up over a lifetime), so there is no point in me trying to break down theirs in their elder years.

[The Grand Nudger]

@Tomatoshadow2
Well, we didn't have the good luck/misfortune of a period of illness or really even an expectation.  He was young, it was sudden.  We just hugged it out, mostly.  I assume we'd all have pleaded and bargained with the cosmos in our own ways had we known.

[gd3001]

My own grandad died last year, and my other grandad died in 2017. He died a very painful death.
I am sorry you feel isolated from your family.....not for religous reasons, I was actually intensly religious at the time, but I did feel very isolated in 2017. I was only 11, and I felt very confused and overwhelmed by everyone. My whole family was very upset writing the eulogy etc, and there was a lot of stress. I felt like I didn't have enough grief compared to what they were feeling, and although they respected my beliefs, they didn't know the half of all the inner pain and confusion I was going thru in my soul. I was really repressing myself and my sexuality and I was also being exposed to a lot of terrible stuff online.
Now even though I still consider myself a Christian I think I am a Gnostic and I am honestly really sorry about your family. What you and are experincing I believe is worthwhile and it will get easier

[Tomatoshadow2]

I guess my point is that, even as an atheist with no desire or expectation of an afterlife, I still have a personal myth about my purpose and how a finite life is enough.  If others go a different route, I can't just "give them" my myth as a substitute (something built up over a lifetime), so there is no point in me trying to break down theirs in their elder years.
[/quote]

Yeah I see your point, I like your view on it better, remember believers can do very bad things in the name of their 'myth' while we only live life. Well, I wouldn't say your breaking them down, especially if the older person is like my grandpa, where he thinks being an atheist, is just terrible haha.

@Tomatoshadow2
Well, we didn't have the good luck/misfortune of a period of illness or really even an expectation.  He was young, it was sudden.  We just hugged it out, mostly.  I assume we'd all have pleaded and bargained with the cosmos in our own ways had we known.

Yes, I agree, that's how I find myself thinking lately, the question of why, you know, well just a fact of life.

My own grandad died last year, and my other grandad died in 2017. He died a very painful death.
I am sorry you feel isolated from your family.....not for religous reasons, I was actually intensly religious at the time, but I did feel very isolated in 2017. I was only 11, and I felt very confused and overwhelmed by everyone. My whole family was very upset writing the eulogy etc, and there was a lot of stress. I felt like I didn't have enough grief compared to what they were feeling, and although they respected my beliefs, they didn't know the half of all the inner pain and confusion I was going thru in my soul. I was really repressing myself and my sexuality and I was also being exposed to a lot of terrible stuff online.
Now even though I still consider myself a Christian I think I am a Gnostic and I am honestly really sorry about your family. What you and are experincing I believe is worthwhile and it will get easier

Yes, I don't really feel any grief myself, just a fact, and all my family is like, it's just terrible, while my grandpa is suffering. My family is what it is, nothing changes that.