Adam & Eve

[T.J.]

So, back when I was a Christian I used to be fascinated with the Adam and Eve story. We know so little about them so I always liked to think what was going through their minds and their feelings on things as shit went down in the first couple of chapters of Genesis. Now that I've been enlightened I thought it'd be fun to review this story through new eyes and simply tear it apart. Okay, here we go!

First off you have God creating the Earth. For some reason it takes him six days to do it and he needs to rest on the seventh. This shows that God can get tired. But if God can get tired then he's not all powerful and all that shit. Also if he is all powerful why does it take him six days to create the Earth (which some believe to be thousands of years) why can't he simply snap his fingers and BOOM! Earth. What's up with that?

Then he makes Adam out of dirt. Adam has no childhood nor knows what a childhood even is. He's immediately made as an adult with adult responsibilities. He also apparently was creative enough to come up with names for every single animal that ever existed. Go Adam!

Do I want to include the Lilith story in this...? Nah I'll save her for another time.

Anyway God decides that Adam needs a companion so after the animals weren't enough for him he puts him into a deep sleep and RIPS OUT ONE OF HIS FUCKING RIBS AND MAKES WOMAN! I don't care how deep of a sleep you put him in, if someone took out one of my ribs I'd be waking up screaming!

Then Eve was created and Adam was content because hey naked lady. Oh, but they don't know they're naked at this point. How the hell do they not know they're naked? Are they legally blind? Do they even know their own bodies? Asking for a friend.

Anyway, apparently the Garden of Eden didn't have good security because Satan sneaks in disguised as a snake and tells Eve to eat from that tree that God put there just to tell them not to eat from it. And for some reason Eve doesn't find it weird that a snake is talking to her. Naturally she does what any human would've done when told not to do something, and did it. Where's Adam? I don't know. Probably still pining over Lilith somewhere. Eve gives the fruit to Adam and then God is like, "You motherfuckers!"

Oh and now Adam and Eve knew they were naked. That must've been some fruit.

So God punishes everyone. He punishes snakes even though the snake is supposed to be Satan so it makes no sense to punish snakes in general. NOT ALL SNAKES! Then he does Eve and Adam rotten and kick them out of the garden and only THEN does he put a freaking guard and a flaming sword at the entrance so people can't get in. You couldn't have done that sooner!?

Also there was another tree that Adam and Eve could've eaten from that God never made forbidden. The tree of life that would've made them live forever. So immortality is okay, but having knowledge of good and evil is not okay. What?

Overall, Adam and Eve were done rotten with a flawed garden that had a tree they couldn't eat from, making them want to eat from it more, and no security to keep God's biggest enemy out from ruining everything for everyone. So what does Adam do? Have sex with Eve. I mean I would.

The End.

[onlinebiker]

When god made Eve out of Adam' s rib - 

Was this god' s subtle way of saying " go fuck yourself"?


At least on a DNA level.....

[zwanzig]

In the Mormon temple, the ritual is all about the Garden story and Mormons take it literally. You move to different seated chapels to represent the different phases of existence and you get dressed in silly robes to represent promises made to God not to tell anyone about the silly robes and secret handshakes you make with God.



And you watch a movie about creation and the Garden. In it, Adam and Eve are portrayed as being innocent, like children, unknowing of themselves. Yet in my BYU religion classes on the family, we learned that Adam and Eve knew more about the plan than they let on. You can't have sex and procreate if you don't understand you have genitals. Yet Adam and Eve were given this commandment to be fruitful and multiply. Mormons believe that this commandment couldn't be fulfilled in the innocent state they were in the garden. So the other commandment "don't eat the fruit of that tree" needed to be broken in order to fulfill the other commandment. All of us as spirits were waiting for our chance to come to earth and gain bodies, watching from above as these two worked through the contradictory plan and Eve was given the solution by the " adversary " who is so evil and arrogant that he couldn't help defying God's commandments (except, not really; boy, that woulda been a real wrench in everything if Lucifer failed to point out to Eve that a choice needed to be made. If he said nothing, God's plan for us all to come to earth would just sit and stew in perpetuity as Adam and Eve innocently played with Legos and petted all the different furry animals forever, until he was forced to come up with a real plan that was fair and all).

But breaking the commandment IS part of God's plan. Why? Mormonism knows why. “Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy”. All things need opposition otherwise the "choice" isn't really real. So, we need to be tempted and have the ability to sin. We needed to fall from grace and leave God's presence in te garden just like how children grow up and leave their parents house to go experiment with soaking while away at college. And you can't extort people with a blood sacrifice of your son(Jesus) unless they're doing bad shit that they need saving from. So, it all works out; cognitive dissonance is baked into the brownie.

[Jehanne]

What I cannot understand is that there are fundamentalist Christians who are willing to sentence an individual to death and execution based solely upon DNA evidence, but who reject that same evidence which falsifies the proposition that the human race descended from two specially created individuals.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

So, back when I was a Christian I used to be fascinated with the Adam and Eve story. We know so little about them so I always liked to think what was going through their minds and their feelings on things as shit went down in the first couple of chapters of Genesis. Now that I've been enlightened I thought it'd be fun to review this story through new eyes and simply tear it apart. Okay, here we go!

First off you have God creating the Earth. For some reason it takes him six days to do it and he needs to rest on the seventh. This shows that God can get tired. But if God can get tired then he's not all powerful and all that shit. Also if he is all powerful why does it take him six days to create the Earth (which some believe to be thousands of years) why can't he simply snap his fingers and BOOM! Earth. What's up with that?

Then he makes Adam out of dirt. Adam has no childhood nor knows what a childhood even is. He's immediately made as an adult with adult responsibilities. He also apparently was creative enough to come up with names for every single animal that ever existed. Go Adam!

Do I want to include the Lilith story in this...? Nah I'll save her for another time.

Anyway God decides that Adam needs a companion so after the animals weren't enough for him he puts him into a deep sleep and RIPS OUT ONE OF HIS FUCKING RIBS AND MAKES WOMAN! I don't care how deep of a sleep you put him in, if someone took out one of my ribs I'd be waking up screaming!

Then Eve was created and Adam was content because hey naked lady. Oh, but they don't know they're naked at this point. How the hell do they not know they're naked? Are they legally blind? Do they even know their own bodies? Asking for a friend.

Anyway, apparently the Garden of Eden didn't have good security because Satan sneaks in disguised as a snake and tells Eve to eat from that tree that God put there just to tell them not to eat from it. And for some reason Eve doesn't find it weird that a snake is talking to her. Naturally she does what any human would've done when told not to do something, and did it. Where's Adam? I don't know. Probably still pining over Lilith somewhere. Eve gives the fruit to Adam and then God is like, "You motherfuckers!"

Oh and now Adam and Eve knew they were naked. That must've been some fruit.

So God punishes everyone. He punishes snakes even though the snake is supposed to be Satan so it makes no sense to punish snakes in general. NOT ALL SNAKES! Then he does Eve and Adam rotten and kick them out of the garden and only THEN does he put a freaking guard and a flaming sword at the entrance so people can't get in. You couldn't have done that sooner!?

Also there was another tree that Adam and Eve could've eaten from that God never made forbidden. The tree of life that would've made them live forever. So immortality is okay, but having knowledge of good and evil is not okay. What?

Overall, Adam and Eve were done rotten with a flawed garden that had a tree they couldn't eat from, making them want to eat from it more, and no security to keep God's biggest enemy out from ruining everything for everyone. So what does Adam do? Have sex with Eve. I mean I would.

The End.

(Bold mine)

Not if you had been given the Holy Anaesthesia, you wouldn’t. In fact, the rib story was used, in the early days of anaesthetics, to counter the argument that pain-free surgery and childbirth went against God’s command that humans were meant to suffer.

Boru