Pat Boone's modern day fairy tale: Article Dissection by Rev. Rye

[Rev. Rye]

Folks, I read a lot of crazy shit. I like the Marquis De Sade's more ridiculous moments. I've read a book where a man raped a great white shark. I've seen two movies that revolve around guys with sexual attraction to newborns. I've seen a zombie movie that also just happens to be a gay porno (Link goes to a censored version, all other links in this paragraph go to TVTropes or Wikipedia). I count Luis Bunuel, Alejandro Jodorowsky, and David Lynch among my favourite filmmakers. I've read a story that reworks the Harry Potter Series as a love triangle between Draco, Harry, and the emo girl who write it and nobody is recognisable. I regularly browse the Fanfic sections of TVTropes, where I read about some of the Net's worst fanfic.

But this World Net Daily column by Pat Boone may be the most deranged thing I've ever read yet:

Once upon a time, in a land they called America, a little girl was born.

This little girl was so very beautiful, so exceptional, that her loving parents named her Snow White. Truly, her lustrous black hair and limpid dark eyes were the perfect complement to her exquisite ivory skin. And as lovely as she was on the outside, she was even more beautiful within; her sweet, sunny personality absolutely melted everyone who saw her.

I'm not sure if I should point out the fact that this just seems like a stock intro to any Snow White story or if I should make a crack about the potentially racist implications that Pat seems to see "ivory skin" as the epitome of beauty.

In her early childhood, her parents saw that she was taught all the important things – loving obedience, respect for others, politeness and ladylike behavior, and a childlike faith in God. These things she actually liked, and though she was quite playful and sunny, she exuded character and intelligence.

Oookaaay... I'm not really sure just how "childlike faith in God" really counts with "intelligence," but the crazy shit has yet to begin.

Then she met the Seven Dwarfs. They'd been tagged with this name because they seemed so weird and insignificant; but they always clustered together, bound by strange, liberal and sometimes seditious beliefs.

Just what kind of seditious beliefs they held are never explained, but knowing World Net Daily, they probably involve trying to ready somebody sane for 2008.

Some of them were teachers and others members of what was called a "civil liberties union."

Because, as we all know, right-wingers don't benefit at all from the works of what they call a "civil liberties union."

Somehow, they steadily gained and exerted mysterious influence. Their names were Sneaky, Dopey, Smarmy, Angry, Sleazy, Grouchy and Dork.

Because, of course, anyone with a name like "Dork" or "Angry" will always be listened to by the powers that be.

So, as it happened, just as Snow White entered school, full of innocence and a desire to learn, the Dwarfs managed to change all the rules. They cast a spell over the real and dedicated teachers, tricking them into imbibing a seductive potion they called New Education Alternatives; it sounded so attractive that it became very popular, coming to be known by the shorter "NEA."

I wish I could figure out just what this was supposed to represent. Maybe this is supposed to represent the National Education Association, which often tends to piss off right-wingers, but I'm really not sure enough to try to poke fun at this section.

Enticed by tempting promises of shorter hours, more money, lifelong tenure unrelated to performance in the classroom and even political clout as a huge voting bloc, the teachers allowed the NEA to drop very important things from the history books,

Like...

to forbid absolutely any mention of God in the classroom or in essays,

If you don't think this is a good idea, imagine what you'd think if some other religion was being promoted in schools.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PaW_CXHa...re=related

to promote all types of sexuality equally, even to grade-schoolers,

Or at, least all types of sexuality that fall under the heading of "consenting and adult."

to dictate that only evolution could be taught to explain the existence of the living world,

That wasn't the NEA's doing. That was the Supreme Court's.

and in general to erase any consideration of morality and American tradition.

Whose view of morality? Yours?

Of course, Snow White's parents objected strenuously. They attended PTA meetings and complained that their daughter was continuously being taught things that were diametrically opposed to what they'd taught her at home, but their complaints were dismissed out of hand. And sadly, while they did their best to counteract the evil influence of the Dwarfs, little Snow White was drawn into the pervasive spell cast over the whole school system.

Then why not taker her out of school and teach her themselves?

When she was barely into her teens, she began to experiment sexually, first with other kids and then with one of her grown teachers. Only later was it revealed that the teacher, a woman, was actually a wicked witch!

Um, Pat? If she's a "wicked witch," it should probably go without saying that she's female.

Poor Snow White had been drawn into drugs as well as sex, and she soon discovered she was pregnant. The Dwarfs were only too happy to arrange an abortion – without notifying her parents.

Because, of course, we should all do what Becky Bell did and get an illegal one and die of sepsis as a result of getting a surgical procedure done by someone who's not properly trained. Or at least live like Precious.

Confused and disillusioned, Snow White moved in with the wicked witch, eventually claiming to be her "wife."

Um, I'm sorry, but, even with the "permissive society," I still doubt that a student making a common-law wife of her teacher would still be accepted. That's not even accepted if they're of different sexes. And, come to think of it, did this happen before or after she reached the age of consent? Because if it happened before, that would count as statutory rape.

In another part of town, in another spellbound school, a handsome young boy named Prince Charming was going through similar experiences. Snow White and Prince Charming would have made a perfect couple, as their parents would have dreamed – but under prolonged exposure to the same hypnotic spell, the boy was seduced by each of the Dwarfs and taught in the mandatory sex education class that he'd been born "gay."

So, did Prince Charming show signs that he was attracted to men? Because if he didn't, well, Wolfgang Pauli has some choice words for you: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."

When he learned he'd contracted AIDS, he overdosed on drugs that were easily obtained just outside the principal's office, on the schoolyard.

His sorrowing parents arranged a memorial service, and everybody – including the Seven Dwarfs and the Wicked Witch – agreed he'd been just an "ideal kid," without an enemy in the world. Except the Seven Dwarfs and the Wicked Witch.

So, wait. What did the Wicked Witch have to do with Prince Charming's death? Isn't she in another part of town banging her former student?

It would be wonderful if it could be said "… and they all lived happily ever after" – but of course, that would be a lie. Too many of them didn't even go on living very long, some struck down with insidious contagious diseases, which some tried to blame on uncaring politicians and hard-hearted, Bible-toting right-wingers.

So, did they convert all the other kids into gay people? Because that's not even close to how homosexuality works. And, besides, I really can't believe I still have to say this in 2011, but gay people aren't the only people who get AIDS: Just ask Isaac Asimov and Eazy-E. Hell, even conservative politicians aren't immune to it.

The Dwarfs and so many of the children whose morals they'd corrupted traded honor and integrity and happiness for fatal neuroses and shorter life expectancy – while the very tradition of marriage and family dissolved and the reputation of the land called America was forever damaged. In the wake of so-called "new education alternatives," America steadily fell behind other nations in all areas of learning,

Really, because it's not like countries in Europe do the same things without people like Pat Boone bothering to get their panties in a wad over it, oh wait, yes they do!

and eventually it hardly mattered if she was absorbed into something called a North American Union. This sad attempt to merge all the strengths and weaknesses of Mexico, the U.S. and Canada

Yes, there are people who believe that a "North American Union" is right around the corner. Nevermind that there's absolutely no goddamn reason for such a thing to happen, and that even the European Union is more of an economic union than anything else.

became Northern Venezuela.

For Chrissake, How? Do they really think that South America's answer to Huey Long is actually powerful enough to usurp a nation that consists of the world's major superpower and which is bigger than even Russia, a nation which has historically resisted foreign takeover primarily by being fucking huge?

This all may be a fable, a fairy tale, or a nightmare. But if it's the latter, we'd better wake up quick. Like many fairy tales and some dreams, there's too much reality for comfort.

This sounds more like a nightmare to me. Somebody needs to stop drinking a whole bottle of prescription-strength Tussin before bed.

[little_monkey]

This all may be a fable, a fairy tale, or a nightmare. But if it's the latter, we'd better wake up quick. Like many fairy tales and some dreams, there's too much reality for comfort.

This sounds more like a nightmare to me. Somebody needs to stop drinking a whole bottle of prescription-strength Tussin before bed.

That's the trouble with the Pat Boones of this world: their drug is the FAIRY TALE. They need to check in a rehab asap.

[Minimalist]

There is nothing "modern" about an asshole like Pat Boone.

[Oldandeasilyconfused]

I've read a story that reworks the Harry Potter Series as a love triangle between Draco, Harry, and the emo girl who write it and nobody is recognisable.

There is an entire genre of Harry Potter Erotica, featuring just about any combination of characters you can imagine. Written by amateurs,most of it is pretty bad;I gave up after a few stories.


I also read he Marquis De Sade in my early 20's. First response was arousal,then disgust,then boredom.Finally, admiration for the guy's imagination, perseverance and thoroughness. (did you know he wrote 'Justine' as a play?)

Pat Boone was a boring-as-dog-shit singer of the 1950's and 1960's, with the IQ of a carrot.(think of little Kirky Cameron) One of Pat's specialities was to get hold of a hard rock song( such as 'Tutti Fruitty') lower the tempo and remove anything remotely resembling testicles. He was the male Doris Day,beloved of really wet kids and their parents. -also a REALLY irritating fundie,who like many of the ilk has always suffered from delusions of adequacy and relevance.

[The Grand Nudger]

Thank you Pad, I was wondering wtf a Pat Boone was.

[Rev. Rye]

There is an entire genre of Harry Potter Erotica, featuring just about any combination of characters you can imagine. Written by amateurs,most of it is pretty bad;I gave up after a few stories.

Well, My Immortal barely counts as erotica. Just try to see if anything in this passage turns you on:

"He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. "Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation."

For the record, Ebony/Enoby/Egogy/Tara occasionally uses masculine words to refer to her vag.

I also read he Marquis De Sade in my early 20's. First response was arousal,then disgust,then boredom.Finally, admiration for the guy's imagination, perseverance and thoroughness. (did you know he wrote 'Justine' as a play?)

I've never really been aroused by de Sade. I think he's best when he's writing about the most eldritch forms of sex imaginable: things like impregnating a goat, and then screwing the little abomination that comes out immediately after sex. How do you not laugh at something like that? No, I didn't know that Justine was written as a play. I know that the Marquis wrote plays at Charenton, but I don't think that Justine was one of them. His bibliography at Wikipedia doesn't even include any mention of a play version of Justine.

Pat Boone was a boring-as-dog-shit singer of the 1950's and 1960's, with the IQ of a carrot.(think of little Kirky Cameron) One of Pat's specialities was to get hold of a hard rock song( such as 'Tutti Fruitty') lower the tempo and remove anything remotely resembling testicles. He was the male Doris Day,beloved of really wet kids and their parents. -also a REALLY irritating fundie,who like many of the ilk has always suffered from delusions of adequacy and relevance.

I actually have an interesting story about Pat Boone. One day in March 1997, I was reading the funny pages and I read this storyline in Mother Goose and Grimm which lampooned a brief phase in his career when he was wearing leather and singing versions of metal songs in his signature style by having the dog Grimm get so shocked by this that he begins to dress up in leather. I was apparently fascinated enough by this that I wound up somehow talking about it to people at school. I got in trouble until my mother explained it to the principal.

Though I can't find the strips anymore, here are two versions of Long Tall Sally: one by Little Richard, the other by Pat Boone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsJVT8Jr_pM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHwusioTuyw

Take your pick on which one was better, though if you choose Pat Boone, you may need some professional help.

Also, there's a photo of him doing his best Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake impression, and by this I mean he has his dick in a box. And it's on full display. Seriously.